YOUNG TALENT?

Well, last night saw the return of the legend: Young Talent Time.

Originally starting up in the 1970’s (I think), this show was like a variety show, which kids could enter to showcase their talents. 

In other words: talented brats on parade.

You could say it was the forefather to crap like Australian Idol, X Factor, Australia’s Got Talent, etc.  Just a lot more wholesome.  Though, if you spoke to some of the 42 previous YTT Members, their lives didn’t end up being so wholesome. 

Some were not as lucky as Tina Arena, who’s been able to construct a stellar international career from her roots in YTT.  Some have forged wonderful careers behind the scenes in the ‘industry’, but others have lost their souls to drugs and alcohol, while the rest have just faded away.

I grew up with YTT.  I remember it through my younger years and into my teens.  I loved it.  So, it’s fair to say that my expectations for last night were high.  Very high.  As were a lot of other peoples, too.

So firstly, let’s have a look at Rob Mills.  Good old Millsy.  Johnny Young (former host and founder of the show) handed the rains over to this ex-Australian Idol competitor, whose greatest claim to fame is knocking off Paris Hilton.

I love Millsy, but I wonder if he’s wholesome enough for YTT.  I also wonder how long he can hold a fake smile for, and how long he can pretend to give a shit about how ‘awesome’ the new YTT team is.

So, the show kicks off with a well rehearsed, if not semi stumbling montage of different songs which highlight the various team members talents (or lack there of, in some cases).  It was cringe-worthy to say the least.  However, I’m 40, not 12, and I’m sure it hit its demographic perfectly.

Speaking of demographic, isn’t the team just perfect?  It ticks all of the boxes, doesn’t it?  You have the token Asian, token surfer dude, token blacks, token ‘girl next door’, token bitch, token baby and token Beiber.  Now I say Beiber, because gay would be an inappropriate tag for ones so young.  So Beiber covers it for me.

And don’t act shocked; you were thinking it when you saw some of those kids last night, weren’t you?  You were wondering…

Speaking of Beiber; I know that teeny-boppers today love him (gaaa), but I really hate his hair.  Even he hates his hair, that’s why he’s changed it.  YTT boys: get a real haircut and stop looking so pooncy.

So they’re going back to the original format of the show; resurrecting it, you may say, because they hope to unearth more of Australia’s young talent for us.  YAY! I can’t wait! *rolls eyes*

I’m sure the millions of kids that applied for the team positions will be thrilled to know that even though they weren’t good enough for the ‘team’, they can still enjoy the consolation prize of partaking in a competition that may lead them to a role on Offspring (just ask Asher Keddie).

So who is going to judge this up-and-coming talent?  Well, the esteemed Tina Arena, who earnt her stripes on the original YTT.  Tina Arena; who is so famous from stomping around Broadway in shows that none of us have seen, let alone remember, that she doesn’t even live in Australia anymore.  Who has received an award from the French Government for her services, because they are clearly the only people that give a shit about her.  Bit like Germany’s love for The Hoff.

Tina Arena, who last night made me wince a couple of times as she screamed out that she was in chains.  I really wanted her to belt out my favourite hit of hers: I Need Your Body.  I can see my best friend Marika pissing herself laughing as she reads that one.

And the other judge? Chucky.  Yes, his name is Chucky, and my friends; Chucky can dance.  Chucky is some sexually questionable yank that has worked with just about anyone you can name, and has possibly put the moves in Jagger himself, as he alluded to last night.  When he hit the floor to rock it with the kids, he proved that he is a man of talent, so I will not bag the crap out of him too much.  He impressed me, even though he was like UBER HAPPY!!! YEAH!!!

*rolls eyes*

So, that brings us to the ‘talent’.  The new generation YTT team, who apparently *gets ‘teenager’ excited* absolutely love and can’t imagine life without their families; dancing; singing; music; friends; Beiber cuts; surfing; cooking (circle applicable).

Apparently, being on YTT is like a dream come true.  That’s because you failed at getting through to Australian Idol, X Factor and Australia’s Got Talent.  Mmm… speaks volumes.

This is another Channel 10 production, so I would expect the regular cut away from the main show, where each team member has a little chat about their feelings and how they handled the last challenge in the kitchen… oh; hang on.  Wrong show.

So we have Tyler: one of the older kids who looks like a typical surfie dude.  Majorly into rock ‘n roll, which explains why he can’t sing or dance.  Clearly there for his heartthrob potential.

Georgia May: the precious princess of ex-famous soapie star; Alyssa Jane Cook.  I wondered what ever happened to her.  Not.  Well, apparently Georgia May was born to be a star, so we’ll see what happens there.  Failing that, at least she looks pretty.  If the teenage boys don’t fall in love with her, the fathers that watch the show with their kids will.

Ayden: the baby of the team.  Naaawww.  How gorgeous is he?  Gaaa… his voice scares me (because he sounds like a girl), and he just looks like a brat.  Next.

Serena: The token Asian girl, whose talents far outweigh her looks.  This girl can really sing, and is already my favourite, because she seems to be the most human of the bunch, who are considerably two dimensional.  She was so overwhelmed by it all, she started crying on Tina Arena’s shoulder, who herself was tearing up.  Bless.

Nicholas: bland.  Great voice, but boring.  This is why you didn’t make it onto Idol.  Whatever.

Michelle: ahhh… this little poppit ticked a lot of demographic boxes last night.  She looked just beautiful.  Great voice; possibly the next Mercedes in Glee, I reckon.

Lyndal: mmm… took one look at this girl and thought ‘Hello Miley.’  She’s got that bratty, bitchy look about her that will give her an edge over the others.  She’ll be a show stopper and scene stealer; you know, one of those people you just can’t help but look at?  I like her.  Bit of spunk AND she can sing and dance.  However, her life will end up a train wreck, just like Miley’s.

Adrien: I don’t know what to make of this one.  He seemed… false, to me.  Clearly been groomed to perfection by his stage parents, who would have been standing in the back ground miming everything he had to say, and had to stop themselves from running out onto the stage and doing it all for him.  Least he looks pretty.

Tia: as fake as her fashionable ambitions.  At least she looks like a normal kid with those braces on.  Well, as they say, you can hide anything with a bit of glitter and a couple of sequins.

Sean: well, we have another picture perfect kid, who is destined to be a heartthrob.  Loves surfing, too.  Helps him clear his mind and get rid of his worries.  Hang on: you’re a kid.  YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

So, according to Tina, Chucky, Johnny and Millsy (and that annoying musical dude that crops up in EVERYTHING), these kids are really talented, and are getting better and better as each day passes.  So they should, because is would expect nothing less.  They are supposed to be the ten most talented kids in the country after all (though I wonder what country they’re talking about…).

So, I wonder how long this retro reflection will last?  How long before everyone get’s bored with the same teenagers banging out the same recycled shit week after week, with the same fake smiles, perfect hair and perfect skin. 

How long before someone photographs Millsy on a bender in a brothel, and completely shatters the illusion of purity and wholesomeness that Johnny Young had?

How long before Tina Arena get’s so thin, she disappears?

How long before I can buy myself a YTT lunch box, like the good ol’ days?

How much longer will we have to cringe through Millsy singing ‘And I’ll send all my lovin’ to you…’, surrounded by his ten little angles, all humming and swaying in time?

Who knows and who cares?

I will tell you this, though: I loved it and I will be watching it every week.  Mainly because I have no life, and it’s on before Modern Family and New Girl.

Goodnight Australia.