WEEK 2 (52 WEEK SYL): VALUES: WHAT DO YOU STAND FOR?

So, challenge number 2: values.

Deb (the lady who runs the Home Life Simplified website) explains the challenge as this:

When I visualised this challenge I saw it as a structure composed of building blocks – big blocks on the bottom serving as foundations and adding more blocks on over the year, almost creating a pyramid structure. Values are the big block at the bottom. To me, being clear on what you are about and what you stand for is the first big step to simplifying your life.

Mmmm…  What are my ‘values’?  What do I stand for?  What have I built my life upon?

Well, I try to live my life by four simple ‘agreements’.  I learnt these agreements when I read a book many years ago, written by a Toltec Indian (Native American), named Don Miguel Ruiz, called The Four Agreements.

Simple; brilliant; these Four Agreements are all you need to live your life, because they instil into you the behaviour you need to be a good person with strong values. They give you the tools you need to lead a good, simple life.

What are the agreements?  Well, I’ll run through them quickly for you (but you seriously need to get your mits on this book), but please understand; these are my interpretations of the agreements.

Be Impeccable With Your Word

So many of us, including myself, can be vicious with our tongues.  What we say to other people, and to ourselves, can hurt more than any physical weapon, and the scarring lasts much, much longer.

Gossip, unnecessary criticism, verbal judgement, bullying; all examples of not being impeccable with your word.

It’s human nature to judge I think, and it’s hard not to pass comment.  When I was younger, (and before I read The Four Agreements), I was vicious with my tongue.  I was very critical, bitchy and judgemental of others.  After reading the book, I realised that I was just spreading so much unnecessary negativity, and for what?  Nothing.

I was just jealous, miserable, unhappy and selfish.  I was lashing out at people, because I was hurting inside myself.  Someone once told me that everyone we see is just a mirror of ourselves.  If we see something we don’t like about someone else, it usually because they display a trait of something we don’t like about ourselves. 

For example; if someone is dressing in a flamboyant manner, as possibly don’t like it because we’re too scared to do it ourselves.  If we don’t like someone’s hair, it’s possibly because we’re not overly happy with our own, or that someone, somewhere in the past, has criticised our hair, and we’ve never forgotten it, and go to extreme lengths to ensure its perfection.

So being impeccable with your word, is ensuring that you’re spreading positivity and kindness, not harsh judgement and unnecessary criticism.  It’s hard, but possible.

Don’t Take Anything Personally

This one is a real struggle for me.  I take everything personally, and as I said in my previous SYL Challenge blog, I worked very hard on this last year, particularly around Jade. 

I took, and still do take, everything she says and does to me personally.  I’ve had shrinks tell me that she’s ‘lashing out at the mother that left her, because you’re the mother figure’, but fuck me, that doesn’t make it any easier to swallow. 

I’ve had to learn the hard way that these are her problems, not mine, and I cannot take them personally.  I mustn’t. 

So, when someone attacks you for something, or lashes out at you, or is rude or short with you, don’t take it personally.  There’s usually a reason why people are behaving the way they do, and a majority of the time, it’s not always about you.  They have their shit to deal with, and they’re trying to.  Just roll with it, and move on.

Don’t Make Assumptions

Oh man; I assume nothing. 

I’ve been the innocent victim of assumptions, and it’s not been pleasant.  The ‘small town’ mentality that you find in country towns can be quiet vicious, and some people spend a majority of their time not being impeccable with their word, and spreading gossip on assumptions.

It’s a fools errand.  Never make assumptions, because the majority of the time, you could be way off track.

Now, imagine this: I’m happily shopping, and see Charlie’s brother sitting at a café, having a coffee with some strange woman.  I don’t know who this woman is, but she’s sitting there having a coffee with my very married brother-in-law.

I could assume that they’re having an affair, and go running home to Charlie about it.  he confronts his brother, his wife overhears, and all hell breaks loose.  I would could problems between brothers, and problems between a husband and wife, not to mention problems between Charlie and I.  All based on an assumption.

What I would do, is go up to the table and speak to my brother-in-law, and find out first hand, who this woman is.  Possibly a cousin, client, or a work colleague that I haven’t met.  Something completely innocent, because knowing my brother-in-law, he would never do anything to hurt his family.

So, when the small-minded gossip that is not impeccable with their word, comes up to me and starts prattling that they think my brother-in-law is having an affair, and why, I can set them straight, because I have not been as stupid as they have.  I slam the door on assumptions immediately.

Get the picture?  Assume nothing.

Always Do Your Best

Speaks for itself, doesn’t it?  And, it’s applicable to every aspect of your life.

From work, to play, to housework, to your relationships, to a project you really don’t want to undertake, but have to: always do your best.  It may not be pleasant; it may not be easy; but at least you can stand proud and say you tried.  No one achieves anything when they do things by halves.

So, these are the ‘agreements’ I try to live by, and they are not easy.  However, I’ve had years of practice implementing them into my life, but still, everyday; I learn something new.

There are of course other things that would contribute to my foundation of values, and they are a lot simpler to explain.

I’m not an adulterer (cannot understand people that are – there’s no excuse for it); I respect myself and others, and conduct myself in a respectful manner (most of the time, anyway); I pay all of my bills and live within my means; I have a good work ethic; I’m not a bludger or someone that rorts systems designed to benefit others (we all know people that do though, don’t we?); I don’t have a problem paying my taxes, even though I legally try to pay as little as possible; and finally, the one thing that I think governs everything that I do: karma.  I’m shit scared of karma, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

I try to instil these values into Jade: don’t be a slappa, respect yourself, honour your relationships, don’t worry about what other people think of you – be yourself; try your best at school – you only have one shot at it; life will not hand you everything you want on a silver platter – you have to get off our lazy arse and work for it; save as much money as you can; don’t commit to something you cannot honour – financially or emotionally; be honest and reliable; don’t be gossipy and vicious; honour your family, and remember that karma is a big angry elephant.

You can run from him all you like, but eventually, that big, fat fucker’s gonna catch up with you, and squash yo’ ass.

Peace out.