I
don’t know whether I’ve said it before, but the toilets at Airport West Shopping
Centre are by far my favourites.
On
a positive note: clean, modern and paper towels. On a negative note: partial cubicles and rice
paper toilet paper. Usually, no hand sanitiser required.
Now,
the toilets that I’m rating in this blog are located directly opposite Best
& Less (there are a few different blocks in the centre, as you could
imagine).
As
I mentioned before, they’re clean and modern, and the sanitary disposal bin is
skinny, so when my big arse is on the toilet, it’s not being rudely jabbed by
the bin.
I
love these toilets, and feel comfortable using them. I would rate them quite high at ‘four flushes’,
but not today.
You
see, when I went into the toilets on this particular day (it was last Saturday
morning, at about 10.00am), I was expecting near perfection. I was in for a shock.
At
10.00am in the morning, I would expect the block to be spotless, because realistically,
not many people would have been using them before this time. It was a Saturday: who gets out of bed early
on a Saturday on school holidays? Certainly
not me, hence the 10.00am front-up.
What
greeted me was somewhat of a surprise.
The
floors were dirty: looked like they hadn’t been mopped properly. There was water all over the hand basins,
benches and mirrors (like someone had waved their hands around to shake off the
excess water, which astonishes me, because there are paper towels DIRECTLY IN
FRONT OF YOU), and there was a little surprise waiting for me in the cubicle.
As
I’m sitting in the toilet, minding my own business, a cockroach comes running
out across the floor from behind me somewhere.
What the fuck? A cockroach? How the fuck did you get in here?
A
cockroach! I’m not armed for
cockroaches! I can handle all sorts of
human invisible germs with my hand sanitiser, but not cockroaches! Don’t tell
me I have to start carrying around a friggin’ can of Mortein as well! What the hell?
Have
you ever tried to kill a cockroach? Have
you seen how fast they move when they see your foot coming? How fast they are when you’re desperately
trying to stomp on them before they climb into your handbag, which is
unfortunately on the floor, because there are no hooks in the back of the
fucken door? This is why there are hooks
on the back of the door: SO COCKROACHES CAN’T CLIMB INTO YOUR HANDBAG!
Those
little fuckers go like the clappers when they know you’re after them, and bang
around into everything like a blind man in a china shop. Jesus Christ it was on for young and old, and
all whilst I’ve got my pants around my ankles!
That,
of course, only added to my desperation, when I thought it was going to take a
flying leap into my lowered underwear! What the hell would I be able to wear
shopping if a cockroach had contaminated my underwear? Hand sanitiser won’t fix that! I would have to shove my contaminated
underwear into the skinny sanitary bin!
And to top it all off, I was now going to have to carry around a can of
fucken Glen 20!
So,
after stomping around in my cubicle, as best I could whilst in a seated
position with my pants down, I killed the little fucker. I killed it goooood.
So,
the entire cockroach experience, combined with the knowledge that I would have
to seriously consider loading my bag up with Mortien and Glen 20, did not bode
well for these toilets today.
Out
of a possible five flushes; zero.
I
know, in my heart, that therapy will fix this experience, and I’ll be able to
return to my fave toilets again one day.
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