MISSION: MATTRESS

So the time had come for Charlie and I to purchase our new mattress.

Now, I expected Charlie to carry on like a bitch, but in all fairness, he was up for the challenge, and happy to be making what would be a serious, long term investment for us.

However, I knew that my biggest challenge for the day would be to get him to actually lie on a bed and try it.  Not only that, but when he did lie on the bed, convince him that it was not appropriate to maul me in the middle of the shop. He is, after all, only human.

So, we venture of to Bendigo, because some fuckwit (me) hit Google and found that Benders had about five mattress retailers within a stones throw of one another.  Considering we’re about 50 minutes out of Bendigo, and an hour from Epping, we thought Benders the best option.

Bonus here: Noodle Box for lunch.  Yeah.

Anyway, we hit the first store (40 Winks, I think), and I start laying on all of the different beds.  It was fun. They were all really comfy, and I even got Charlie to lay on a couple with me.  Kinda helps.

I lay on the mattresses for ages, but Charlie was on and off in a few seconds.  I’m like ‘Why don’t you lay on it for a few minutes Charlie?  You can’t judge in like two seconds?  Plus, you’re a stomach sleeper.  Lay on your stomach, you knob.’

‘Naaa… I’m right.’

‘Well, when we get a mattress home, don’t you dare complain about it.  If you don’t lay on it now, you won’t get a good feel for it, and then you’ll be stuck with it later.’

‘I won’t need to complain, because you do enough of that anyway.’

‘Go fuck yourself.’

So the salesman approaches and gives us his schpeel.  He recommends a couple of beds for us.  At that point, I felt grateful, because I think Char and I were in the lucky position of actually liking the same type of bed.  Some people like hard and some like soft, but we were comfortable on the same type.

Anyway, the salesman tells us the price of the bed, and I swear my heart stopped for a second, and I clearly heard Charlie’s arse snap shut.  $2000.  Holy crap.  I said to the salesman ‘I only want one…’ That was the price for one.  ‘You better go see if you can sharpen your pencil, champ, because that’s way out of our price range.’

As the salesman waddled off to see what he could do, Charlie said to me ‘For two thousand dollars, I would want it to fuck me too.’

‘Buy a blow up doll.  It would be cheaper.’

‘Would be more fun than you, too…’

‘Go fuck yourself.’

‘Look, I can knock about $300 off for you.  That’s the best we can do.’

‘Well, we’ll have a think about it, because that’s still out of our range.’  Charlie said.

‘We’re also going to have a look at a few other stores, as well.  This is the first one we’ve walked into.’ I added.

The salesman, who was very nice and informative, was a little deflated as he watched the Buttlers leave his store.  If felt sorry for him, but got over that as soon as I hit the fresh, outdoor air.

So, off to Snooze we went.  The saleswoman here got us to lay on this ‘testing bed’, which moved around under us as it assessed what type of bed would be best for us.

‘This feels awesome…’ I whispered to Charlie.

‘It feels like I’m making love to you, sweetie…’ Charlie said with a smirk.

‘Say what?’

‘Well, it moves around about as much as you do…’

‘What the hell?’ what was this? Pick on Lee day, and I missed the memo?  ‘Go fuck yourself.’

So, apparently I needed a ‘red’ coded bed, which to me, translated to ‘fat arse’ bed.  Charlie was borderline blue/red, which again, translated to semi-fat arse bed.  Thankfully, it meant that the same type of mattress would suit us.  Yay!

So, again we tried a few different mattresses, and got a price of about $1200, which was less heart attack inducing.  However, nothing really rang my bell here, so we moved on.

Sleep City.  Tried a few beds, and ended up on one that was near identical to the very first one we tried in 40 Winks.  Comfy.  Even Charlie lay on his stomach for more than two seconds on this one.

‘Wanna fuck?’ he whispered to me.

‘Yep.  Let’s go for it.’ I smiled, and he just laughed. 

‘Well, you said we need to test it out with all the ways we sleep…’ he offered.

‘Good point.’ I agreed.  ‘You do what you normally do, and I’ll sleep through it.’ I smiled.

‘Like you normally do…’

‘Go fuck yourself.’

The saleswoman, who was about twelve, came over and offered us some information, but deduced pretty quickly that we had already done a little research.

$1150.00 for this awesome mattress.  We’ll have a think about that one.

Bed Shed.  Jebus.  The guy that served us must have been new in the job, because every question we asked him, he had to yell across the store to a chick behind a computer, who was clearly neither keen to assist him or get off her arse to assist us.

Really impressive.  Bed Shed would not be getting any of our money today.

When we walked out of Bed Shed, I turned to Charlie, and said ‘I’m done.  No more.  Let’s make a decision, because I’m hungry and I need to pee.’

‘And I want to go to Bunnings.’

‘Priorities.’ I sighed.

So, Sleep City it was.  Got an awesome, firm, independent spring mattress (whatever the fuck that means).  Who cares: it’s was uber comfy.  Paid our deposit, and will be picking our new baby up in about two weeks.

So we go home, and I’ve stripped the bed (because it’s sheet washing day), and Charlie decides that he’s going to take the advice of the very first salesman we met today, and drill some holes into the chipboard on top of our slats.  Apparently, this will help air the mattress.

So Charlie and I lift the mattress off the bed, and lean it against the wall, and OMG!  The underside of it smells like old man armpit! It was foul!

I’m like ‘OMG Charlie! We’re sleeping on old man armpit!’

‘It doesn’t smell that bad…’

‘Are you fucken high?  That reeks!’ I cried.  ‘It’s a sunny afternoon; we’re putting this bitch out on the verandah to air a little.’

‘Oh for Christ sake…’ he complains, because he’s done this many times before.  ‘I’ll be glad when we don’t have to do this anymore…’

‘We will be doing it, Char.  We’ll be doing it like every month, man because I’m not having my new mattress turn into old man armpit.’  I stomped back into the walk in robe, grabbed my can of Glen 20 (yes – I have Glen 20 in the wardrobe because I’m a germaphobe, and it’s good to spray in your shoes – kills the bugs that cause foot odour) and drown the underside of the old man armpit in it.  I figure at this stage, anything will help.

God knows what was living in that mattress!  Not that you’d have any idea when we put the mattress back.  The top of it, even with our farting arses sleeping on it, smelt like roses (or faintly of Glen 20…).

As I climbed into my old man armpit that night, I prayed that we had made the right choice that day.  However, I could feel the difference immediately.  Laying back on the old bed, after having tried the new mattresses so many hours beforehand, was astonishing.

I knew then we’d made the right choice.  The new mattress will be awesome.

I hope.

Peace out.