CANBERRA: FALSE ALARM

On the last night of our stay in Canberra, Charlie-Albert and I decide that we’ll have an easy night.  So instead of creating an intimate space to rediscover one another and nurture out love, we went to the movies.  More entertaining, I think.

After an absolutely fabulous meal at a restaurant in Canberra City called Lemon Grass Thai (I thoroughly recommend this place to everyone: quick service and fantastic food; all at a reasonable price), we head out to the suburb of Phillip, and the Hoyts cinemas at Westfield Woden.

The Adventures of Tin Tin in 3D, was on the agenda for us that evening.  It was about the only thing out that we thought we could tolerate.  We had seen Tower Heist, and a few other ace looking movies weren’t out yet.  I wanted to see Iron Lady, but Charlie was a snore on that one.  So, fucken Tin Tin it was.

There was mistake number one.  What a fucken boring movie.  Sure, the combination of 3D and funky lifelike animation was awesome, but zzzzzzzzzzz….

So, I’m sitting there in the theatre, trying desperately to stay awake, when all of a sudden, the movie pauses, the house lights come up, and alarm starts blaring!

I turn to Charlie, and am like ‘What the fuck?’, and Captain Helpful just shrugs.

Someone a couple of rows down from us says ‘That definitely sounds like an alarm…’, when an announcement comes over the speaker system: ‘Please evacuate the building.  This is an emergency; please evacuate the building in a calm, orderly manner.’

Not what you want to hear when you’re sitting back row, centre.  Great.

So we make our way down the stairs and out of the cinema, in an amazingly orderly manner.  In the main corridor leading to the foyer, people are pouring out of the theatres, all with the same ‘wtf?’ attitude that we had. 

I was somewhat disappointed that people weren’t running around, screaming and waving their arms hysterically as they ran for the door, knocking people over and trampling small children as they went.  Would have made things a little more interesting.  However, I must remind myself that we’re in Australia, not fucken America, where everyone just panics for dramatic effect.

Charlie was holding me in a vice-like grip (bless his heart) as we were lead through the foyer, out the main doors, and into the street.  The staff inside locked the doors, and started scurrying around inside like trapped mice.

Now, sometimes I can demonstrate eternal patience.  This was not one of those times.  I was ready to punch someone in the nuts because I was bored, tired and hot (fucken heat), and standing on the footpath sweating when I should be in the fucken air conditioning.

About 5 minutes later, the manager came out, asked for everyone’s attention, and then announced ‘I apologise for the inconvenience.  There appears to have been a false alarm.  We will offer all of you complimentary passes (he choked on this one), and ask if you could all head back into the cinemas.  The movies will recommence from where they were.’

Fucken great.  I couldn’t believe this.  Not only was the movie as boring as all hell, we had an unexpected intermission. 

‘Fuck this.  I wanna get my money back and go home.’ I said to Charlie.

‘No, let’s go back in and see the rest of it.  We can get out complimentary passes, and we’re square.  It’s cost us nothing.’ 

‘It’s cost an hour of my life so far, champ’ I thought to myself.

Whatever.  We went back inside and up to the candy bar, where we handed over our tickets and received two complimentary ones in return.  So, realistically, the movie did cost us nothing.  I just had to sit through another hour of fucken boredom.

Peter Jackson and Stephen Spielberg; I expected better. You are legends.  What the fuck with Tin Tin?

Other’s who have seen this may disagree.

Anyway, about fifteen minutes later, whilst we’re sitting there struggling to stay awake, the movie pauses, and the house lights come on again!

‘You’ve got to be fucken kidding me…’ was the collective cry.  Not again…

Almost immediately, the house lights drop, and the movie starts rolling again; except now, we have no sound!  Sound kinda helps, Hoyts!

After five minutes, I turn to Charlie: ‘I’ve had enough.  I want my money back, and I want to go home.  This movie is totally fucked for me now.’

‘I agree,’ he said, standing.  ‘Let’s get the fuck out of here.’

As we’re walking down the ramp out of the theatre, the usher is standing there on the walkie-talkie to someone, and Charlie asked him what the hell is going on.  He just shrugs and says ‘we have no idea what’s going wrong with this showing…’

Great. 

‘We’re outta here.’ Charlie says, and drags me out the door, usher boy rambling into his walkie-talkie behind us.

We walk into the foyer, which was totally deserted, and I stride straight up to the unattended candy bar. 

‘What are you doing?’ Charlie asked.

‘I’m going to ask someone to either give me my money back, or another complimentary pass, because this is fucken crap.’  I had so much sand in my pants that it wasn’t funny.  Tired, pissed off, hot, thirsty, boring movie, all equates to a cranky Lee.

‘Oh, okay.’ He laughed.  ‘I thought you were going to take something?’

‘Say what?’

‘I thought you were going to take something from the candy bar?’ he pointed.  Sure enough, everything behind the candy bar was there for the taking.

‘What do you take me for?’

‘Well, I thought it was a little out of character…’

‘A fucken-little?’ I barked.  ‘What the hell are you on?’  He just laughed, and walked toward the doors.  Fucken great husband.  Thinks I’m gonna steal from the fucken candy bar.  Jebus!

So, after very impatiently waiting for five minutes, which included banging on the ‘staff only’ doors behind the candy bar, no one came to attend me.  No one.  I could have stolen the value of my tickets in product to compensate myself, and they wouldn’t have known.  Except, of course, for the God-knows-how-many hidden cameras, and God himself.  I’m shit scared of karma.

‘Let’s go.’ I sighed in defeat, and followed Charlie out the front automatic doors.  Just as they slid closed behind me, I heard a voice, and turned to see the usher from our theatre striding across the foyer.  As I walked back toward the doors, they wouldn’t open.  Of course not; after the last session is in, they switch the doors to one way; you can get out, but you can’t get back in again.

I stood there banging on the door as usher boy quickly disappeared through one of the ‘staff only’ doors.  You fucken coward.

‘He would have heard me.’

‘Fucken nice, hey?’ Charlie grumbled.  ‘C’mon.  Let’s just go home.’

I stood there for a moment, looking through the glass sliding doors at the black, ‘staff only’ door.  ‘This is not the last you will hear from me, my friend.’ I muttered and turned to follow Charlie. 

‘This is not over.’