WEEK 1 (52 WEEK SYL): FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE

So, this is the first of my 52 challenges for the year.  This challenge is designed to encourage me to focus on the positive things that happened in the last twelve months, as what we humans tend to do, is focus on the negative.

When I read this challenge, the first thing that went through my head was ‘well, I’m fucked already.’  You see, I like to think of myself as optimistic, but I also think that I’m delusional.  So does that make me a delusional optimist, or a realistic pessimist?  Or just confused?

Anyway I’m a clinger to negativity.  I remember the negative, and so easily forget the positive, which a lot of people do, I think. 

So, upon reflection, what positive things, or what positives, did I experience in 2011?

Well, straight up, a positive for me was starting this blog.  I opened a door to expressing myself without criticism or judgement.  That was the plan, anyway.  I still get criticism and judgement, but now, I seem to be able to embrace it and handle it a lot better.  I don’t tend to take it as personally anymore.

This blog has taught me so many things.  Self-control (on many levels), consideration for others, the importance of not only freedom of speech, but freedom in general.  There are a lot of places out there that wouldn’t permit me the freedom this blog gives me, that’s for sure.

It’s helped me understand that everyone has an opinion, and although that opinion may be different to mine, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong.  That’s what makes us all unique, I think.

It’s also given me a lot of joy.  I enjoy sharing my stupid adventures with my friends.  Life, in its simplicity, can be ordinarily funny.

So I suppose, a positive here, is that the views I express are normal, as people share them with me, and that  I can spin a good yarn, and have a good laugh, albeit at my own expense at times.

Iris’ relocation was hard.  Emotionally, mentally and physically.  It was hard.  However, it taught me that change is good, and that sometimes, letting go of the past is what’s best, because its ghosts of the past that can hold you back.

Iris is really happy in her new home, and I absolutely love having her so close.  To call in on her, or for her to call in on me, is so easy now, and not a friggin’ ‘let’s pack a picnic lunch’ trip.  It’s wonderful.  She also has the security of us being so close to her now, which is awesome.

The whole experience has also taught me that I’m not useless, or stupid, or incapable of organising or doing things, and that the self-doubt and lack of confidence that led me to believe this, was wrong.  I’m not hopeless, after all.

What Iris’ relocation has also taught me, is how much some of my family members care. 

You see, now that I’m not travelling down to The Nong all the time, it’s not expected of my to call in and chase around after everyone, because I’m ‘down that way.’  I realised pretty quickly, that I was making all of the effort, and other’s were not.

So, when Iris moved up to Tooby for a short period of time, I stepped back to see who would make the effort to keep our relationships going.  Only one of my family members did: Mezza.  The others I barely hear from, unless they want something.  They always complain that I’m too far away, so now I’m starting to use that excuse too.  I’m tired of running around after people that aren’t willing to put the effort in themselves.

So from this, I’m not being dragged down by the weight of expectations and demands.  I’ve freed myself from the deadwood. 

The hardest thing I’ve found, over the past couple of years, is my anxiety.  I have, in the past, suffered from panic and anxiety attacks, however, this year I seem to have gotten a handle on it all.

In fact, in a lot of areas of my life, I’ve been able to control my stress levels quite well.  I’m not so panicky, so anxious, so fearful.  In high-stress situations, I’ve become more controlled more measured, and much calmer.  Sure, stress still affects me, but nowhere near as strongly as it did before.

I don’t really know what the trigger was here, and to be honest; I don’t really care.  All I know, is that I’m a lot calmer.

Jade has been a major cause of stress for Charlie and myself this year, which over the course of the next twelve months, I’ll be able to reveal to you.  However, I’ve been able to define things quite clearly around her now, and because of this, I’ve been able to control the negative impact she can have on my life.

No one person can make you do or feel anything; only you have the power to permit things to happen.

Jade is a particularly selfish young girl, and when she’s unhappy, everyone else around her needs to be miserable.  She goes out of her way to start trouble; to pick fights and to cause conflict.  The majority of it is unwarranted, but that’s how her mind works. She’s stuck in ‘victim’, and I can see that now.  So can Charlie.  In fact, he’s the one that pointed it out to me.

For my part, I think I simply decided that I’m not going to play her games anymore.  I’ve tired of it.  So, I disconnected myself from her drama.  I’m not longer permitting myself to allow her problems to become my problems, because they’re simply not.  I’ve pushed her issues back onto her, for they are hers for the sorting.  Doing this has helped me cope with ‘life with Jade’, which at the best of times, is challenging.

I suppose a materialistic positive, is that I bought a new car.  I upgraded to a different class of vehicle; slightly bigger than what I had, and I was quite pleased with that.  Also quite appreciative of the fact that I can afford to do so. 

That leads me to think about appreciation, and that I have become more so this year.  People complain about power bills going up, petrol costs on the rise, grocery prices going through the roof… yes; they are all legitimate complains.  My power bill gives me heart failure every time I receive it. 

However, I switched my way of thinking about things like this last year.  I’m thankful for the bills, because that means that not only does some bastard out there trust me enough to give me credit, but that I have a job that allows me the funds to pay for them. 

I think in the last twelve months, I’ve become more grateful for what I have.  Sure, I’m not a millionaire, living in a big mansion or driving a flashy car, but I don’t need to be. 

I have everything I need, and am grateful for a roof over my head, a car to transport me around, a job that gives me money to purchase the things I need, relatively good health, and a loving partner.  And three cats.  What else does one need?

I’ve become more involved in my CWA branch, and have learnt through them, that what I have to offer a charity is good enough.  There is no politics here; no judgement or dictatorial behaviour.  Just acceptance, appreciation and love.  It’s a real sisterhood, and I dearly treasure every one of our members.  I have gained great friendships through these ladies, and that I’m truly thankful for.

One of the simplest things through the last twelve months granted me the greatest joy.

The day when I harvested my own strawberries and made jam with them, was one of the happiest days I’d had in a long time.  All the while I was picking, cooking and bottling my produce, I just couldn’t wipe the smile from my face.  Even Jade’s temper tantrums that day (yes, I do remember them), couldn’t shatter my resolve.  In that simple space, cooking in my kitchen, I was truly happy, and truly at peace.

After many years of hard, physical work, the joy and pride I received when our garden came to life in spring, was a great gift. 

People have come to my home, criticised my gardens, my plans, Charlie’s and my visions, because they could not see what we could.  Sitting on the verandah, overlooking the beauty around me, I was happy.  When these same people came to visit, they could see it too, but never said so.  It’s not easy to praise someone and admit your wrong, all at the same time. I understand that, because I’m guilty it myself.  But, that’s okay; I was happy.

There are many more things to be appreciative of, but if I wrote about them all, you’ll be readying for the next month!

Sitting here writing this blog, and focussing on the positive, is blurring away the negative.  Sure, the negative memories are there, but the lesson here is to cling to the positive, and the rest will disappear.

I think I’ve succeeded in my first challenge.

Peace out.