THE BIRTHDAY 'PRESENT'

So, my beloved husband turned 46 yesterday.

About a month ago, I asked him what he would like for his birthday.  He’s one of these people that are hard to buy for, and not because he has everything, but because his material demands are minimal.

The dude just doesn’t want a lot of stuff.

So, after thinking about it for a couple of days, he tells me he would like a new pair of golf shoes.  I wouldn’t know one pair of friggin’ golf shoes from another, so I said I will just give him some folding stuff toward it, and he can go and buy what he likes. 

He was happy, and that’s all that matters.

Now, it’s my birthday in late September, and naturally Charlie asks me what I want for my special day.  I’ll be turning 40 for the third time, by the way…

‘Well, I would like a new stick food processor thingy like they have on Masterchef.  That would save me pulling out the big processor all the time… I need some new bras… there are a couple of cooking courses I would really like to do… I would like a couple of new cooking pots… Oh! And there’s a new baking cookbook I saw in Superfood Ideas that I’m keen on too…’

‘Hey… didn’t I by you that ipad thing for Christmas?’

‘Um… no, Charlie-Albert.  Iris and I went halves in it, for my birthday.’ Here we go.

‘No… I mean that thing you read…’

‘The e-reader Charlie?’

‘Yeah.  That’s it.  Didn’t I buy that for like Christmas, and it was your birthday present as well?’

‘Are you fucken kidding me?’ I gape at him.  ‘You bought that for my fortieth TWO YEARS AGO, Charlie-Albert! Two fucken years ago!  What the fuck?’

‘Oh, I thought I bought it last Christmas…’

‘You fucken tight arse!’ I cross my arms over my chest, and get the foot-tap-thing happening. ‘You fucken tight arse.  I can’t believe you just said that.’

He just shrugs and laughs.  ‘Was worth a try.’

‘Go fuck yourself.’

I’ve no idea what I’m getting for my birthday, but I’m hoping its cash so I can buy some cooking shit.  Fucken cheeky bastard.

So, I sort of planned out his birthday a little for him.

Firstly, I leave a dirty card (naturally) with some cash in it on the ensuite vanity unit so when he goes in for a shower when he gets up, he’ll see it and get a little surprise!

Naturally, Charlie doesn’t see it until after he’s showered, had breakfast, which was made by Jade cos fucked if I’m getting up at 5am to make him fucken breakfast, and comes back into the ensuite to brush his teeth. *rolls eyes*

He was happy with his cash, and goes off to work with a spring in his step, and a lunchbox packed by Jade (who again, gives a fuck).

After a delicious roast dinner at Iris’s that night, Charlie and Jade head off early, and I stay with mum for the evening and watch a couple of cooking shows and chat. Normal Thursday night routine.

However, time slips away from me, and my plans to unleash 50 shades of kinkiness on Charlie’s arse that night stay to go awry.

I jump in the car, race through the supermarket, waving a quick g’day to my mate Daniel who’s packing shelves, and fly home.  I sneak into the walk in robe, slip into the sexy new lingerie I purchased, and sneak back into the dark bedroom.

It’s 10pm.

‘Wake up Char…’ I flick on his side lamp and gently rub his arm.  ‘Wake up…’

‘Waaa….’ He groans, as he slowly wakes up. ‘What the fuck…’ he mumbles.

‘Wake up.’ I smile at him.  ‘It’s time for your birthday present.’ I say in the sexiest voice I can muster.

‘No…. not now…. It’s too late…. Sleeping…’

‘Fuck that!  Wake up so I can be naughty on your arse…’ I smile, and he slowly opens his eyes to look at me.

‘Nice bra…’ he mumbles, reaching out to groped me (typical), still quite groggy.  ‘But fuck off… I’m too tired…’

‘What? Fucken bullshit! Wake up!’

‘NOOO!!!’ he groans. ‘It’s 10pm, and unlike you, I have to work tomorrow…’

‘I have to work tomorrow!’

‘Yeah…. Right,’ he says, turning over.

‘But Charlie…. It’s your birthday present…’ I mumble.  ‘I bought spunky lingerie…’

‘Come to bed and cuddle me….’

‘Fuck you and your cuddles.’ I say, my bottom lip dropping as I strip off my sexy new scaffolding, dump it on the floor, and climb into bed.

‘Give me cuddles…’ Charlie murmurs.

‘Fuck you.’ I sniffle. 

OMG.  Could it be possible that I’ve lost my mojo?   Have I’ve lost my sexiness?  Is it possible that Charlie is becoming desensitized to my awesomeness?

What the fuck is going on?

Is he having an affair?  Is there someone else?  That’s got to be it! Surely? I mean, how else could he resist me?

‘Are you knocking off someone else?’ I ask him, as he cuddles closer to me.

‘It’s not a matter of knocking off someone else, it’s how many…’ I can actually hear him smirking.  Fucker.

‘Go fuck yourself.’ I snap.  ‘Happy birthday.’

‘Thanks babe.’

The next morning, I get up, and the cat is sleeping on my new sexy lingerie. 

Great.  At last one pussy got to enjoy it.

Peace out.