THE SPRAIN (PART 2)

Ever seen a 15 year smacked out on the Green Whistle?

Hilarious.

Greenie met the ambos in front of the stadium, and re-directed them around the back to the side entrance; right near where Jade was.

The world around us still turned.  The Under 16’s match continued as the paramedics casually strolled into the stadium behind Greenie.

I would, at this point, like to extend my sincere thanks to Kate and Greenie, who handled the situation so calmly and so well.  They really looked after Jade, and I appreciate Greenie waiting in the arse-freezing cold for the ambulance whilst we stayed with Jade.  They were just fantastic.

I really admire paramedics.  I’ve had a few rides in ambulances in my time, as you know; more than I would have liked.  Shit happens, hey?  But I just love these guys.  They’re fantastic in a situation that requires not only skill, but delicate diplomacy.  They’re simply awesome.

The paramedic and driver (who I later learnt, was a volunteer) were so calm and collected as they tended to Jade.  They quickly determined that it was either a sprain or ligament damage (I shoot a quick ‘I-fucken-told-you-so’ look at Charlie, who is nothing but relieved), but want to take her to Bendigo A&E for an x-ray anyway.

Now this is where the fun really starts.

The paramedic says to me ‘I think we should give her The Green Whistle.  It won’t stop the pain, but it will take the edge off and relax her.  Have you heard of it?’

‘Yep.’ I nod.  I watch Bondi Rescue.  I’m on it!

As he starts rummaging around in his goodie bag, I notice the sheer panic on Jade’s face.  Of course! She’s petrified of needles, and has no idea what The Green Whistle is.  ‘It’s just an inhaler, love.  Looks like a big whistle, and you just suck on it.  You inhale the painkiller. No needles.’  Jade sighs with relief.

So, the paramedic hands her the whistle, and Jade makes the most tentative attempt at sucking the stupid thing that I’ve ever seen.

I say: ‘For Christ sake Jade: suck on it.  It’s not going to bite you.’ Whilst thinking ‘for Christ sake, it’s not going to ejaculate on you… Thankfully I suppressed that one, but not my smirk.

‘It’s not funny Lee.’

‘Of course not.’ I smirked at Charlie, who I’m pretty sure was thinking the same thing.  ‘It’s not funny now, but I’m tipping in about five minutes, everything will be hilarious.’

Over the course of the next five minutes, Jade went from a pain riddled cripple, to a blabbering, giggling fool. 

Somehow, the paramedic managed to get her on a wheel chair, out of the stadium, and then onto a stretcher.  All the while, Jade was just laughing and giggling like an even bigger idiot that she already is.

The match had finished, and her team mates all piled out the door and stood on the steps watching as Jade clambered on to the stretcher.  By the time she was loaded into the back of the ambulance, everyone was laughing at her.  Not with her; at her.  It was hilarious.

At some point, one of the parents (Bruce) approached Charlie and asked if he could feed our cows tonight for him. 

How fucken awesome is that?  Seriously?  How awesome.  Who knows what time we would get back from Bendigo?  We may not get back in time to feed the cows (not that I do it; it’s a smelly boy job).  What a lovely gesture on Bruce’s part, and it was truly appreciated.

Sometimes, in time of need, people’s true colours really shine.

So I climb into the back of the ambulance with Jade, and I giggle to myself.  Right about now, me insisting on Charlie buying an automatic ute a few years back hits home.  I can’t drive a manual, so instead of Daddy being in the back of the ambo with his baby, he has to drive the ute to Bendigo, and I get a fun ride with the doped up teenager.  Sucker.

As we head off, and in between Jade’s delirious declarations of loving everyone from me to Twilight, I tuck the blanket around Jade and stroke her head, telling her to relax and try to snooze if she can.  I know from experience, that the ride in the back of an ambulance is a really bumpy one, so if she can snooze through it, all the better.

After having a good yap to the Paramedic (he’s being doing this for 26 years, and actually stumbled into it as a career.  Apparently, 26 years ago, it was more like a pick up and drop off service.  Never had medical equipment or medication in the back of the ambulance back then.  Now, it’s virtually a rolling hospital), we arrive at Bendigo A&E.

It’s 2.50pm.

Within half an hour, we’re in the ‘fast track’ section of the hospital, waiting for an x-ray.  Much to her disgust, I tell Jade she’s had enough of the Green Whistle, and pry it out of her desperate hands.

‘You’ve had enough now…’ I say.

‘But, it’s making me happy…’ she slurs.

‘You need to get your shit together, honey.’ I explain.  ‘It won’t be long before we’re out of here, and you have to tackle a pair of crutches.  Doing that with this shit in you,’ I wave the whistle at her, ‘will not help.’

‘But I like the whistle…’

‘I can get you a mug of concrete instead if you like?’  She just pouts.  Whilst she was having her x-ray, I gave the whistle to the nurse, who thankfully disposed of it. 

Half an hour later, we’re back in the car, crutches loaded, severely sprained ankle, strapped, and on the way to McDonalds because we could eat the crutch out of a low flying duck, we all so hungry.

‘Where’s the Green Whistle?’ Jade asked.

‘Dunno.’ I reply simply, smirking to myself.  I can actually hear Jade pout.

5.30pm we roll in the back door (or Jade stumbles in with her stupid crutches), and as I settle her on the back couch with her foot up and ice pack in place, I stop and think about all the plans I had for the day.

On a few hours, hey?

Pffft.  Last time I go to netball, I think.  Though, I can’t complain it wasn’t action packed.

Peace out.