SOMETIMES, THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR

So; let me set the scene for you.  I had to help Mum with some house stuff yesterday, so instead of driving from Tooborac to The Nong and back in one day, and then to Sunshine the next day (about a four hour round trip), I stayed at Mum’s last night and drove to work from there (no, my husband didn’t miss me.  At all).  As a direct result of this, I didn’t bring any lunch with me.

Now, I know this could have been potentially devastating. However, I actually had some money in my purse, I headed out about 12.30pm to go and grab me some viddles.

It’s only a short drive to the tuck shop (too far to walk in the time frame I have), and on the way, one of my girlfriends calls me.  I have a newish car, which has the hands free thingy in the car stereo, so I’m driving along, flapping my gums, having a great time.

I get to the tuck shop, park the car, and continue my conversation with my peep.

Whilst I’m yapping away, I notice two guys, who looked like tradesmen in their fluro yellow safety jumpers, sitting on a bench seat in front of the tuck shop, eating their lunch.  They’re looking at me, laughing and chatting, and to be honest, I really paid them no mind.

Anyway, I finish my conversation, climb out of the car, and head toward the shop.

As I walk past these two guys, one of them says to me ‘Did you have a good conversation?’

Now, I must let you know; I have an inner ear infection at the moment.  So apart from the constant popping and gurgling in my effing ear making life somewhat of a challenge, I cannot hear very well.  So I stopped at looked at them; ‘Sorry?  What did you say?’

‘I said, did you have a good conversation?’ the bigger one of the two said, trying not to laugh.  The other skinny dork was giggling like a teenage school girl.  I’m like wtf?

‘What are you talking about?’ I asked, my patience vanishing quicker than a hooker at quittin’ time.  WTF were they on about? I was a touch confused...

‘You were sitting in your car talking to yourself!’ tall dude said, and started pissing himself laughing.  The two of them were having a great ol’ time!

Talk about embarrassing.  They were loud and laughing at me, and people were staring.  I could not believe it! I felt like I'd stepped through a time portal and landed smack bang in the middle of friggin high school!  ‘Are you kidding me?’ I said incredulously.  ‘You thought I was talking to myself?’ I was quite taken aback that they not only thought that, but had the nerve to say something.  How fucken rude!

They were laughing their heads off; at my expense.  Oh my God they thought it was funny… Me on the other hand… well, I had sand in my pants, so I wasn’t particularly in the mood for douches today. ‘You are kidding me, right?’ I grunted a laugh.  ‘You’re seriously not that stupid, are you? You didn’t really think that?’

Well if that didn’t smack the smiles off their faces.  ‘Who are you calling stupid?’ the tall one asked, successfully managing to slur all five words into one.

‘Why you and your buddy here, champ.’ I smiled pleasantly.  I pointed at the beaten up, piece-of-shit ute a couple of spaces up from them.  ‘Let me guess; that’s your vehicle?’ I asked politely.  They looked from me, to the piece of crap that was barely being held together by rust, and back to me again.

‘What of it?’ the skinny dork barked.

‘Well, unlike your relic from the dark ages, modern vehicles today, just like mine, actually have what’s called ‘hands free’ built into them.  It’s an amazing thing really,’ I explained, exaggerating my happiness, ‘because you can actually drive AND have a telephone conversation at the same time, without having to hold your phone or wear headphones.’ I said sarcastically.  ‘And you know what’s totally unbelievable? It also works when the car’s stopped.  It’s incredible!’ I waved my hands in the air.  ‘So, to break it down even simpler for you, because I’m sure you’re struggling to keep up; I was talking on my hands free.’

The tall dude looked at me and blinked a couple of times.  Either he was taking a moment to process what I was saying, or he thought I was totally hot and was taking memory photographs of my gorgeous self. ‘Well,’ he started quietly. ‘there’s no need to be nasty… we didn’t realise…’

‘Are you kidding me?’ I snapped.  ‘You actually had the audacity to have a crack at me about talking to myself, and that was okay.  However, when someone calls you on your mistake, that’s not okay?’  I rubbed my chin.  ‘Gee… that sounds fair.’

I turned and started to head toward the shop door.  I paused and looked back at them. ‘A piece of advice? Best to keep your mouth shut next time and let people think you’re stupid, than open your mouth and prove them right.’ They just blinked at me.  ‘Sometimes, things are not always as they appear.’

Pffft.  Fuckwits.

Peace out.