TOO QUICK TO JUDGE

I was having a discussion with a friend the other day, about a simple enough topic: nursing homes.

Some shit came on the telly about the standards in nursing homes or something like that… I can’t be 100% sure, but my friend turned to me and declared: ‘I can’t understand why people put their family members into nursing homes.  It’s cruel.  Just because they can’t be bothered looking after them…’

‘That’s not always the case,’ I interjected calmly.  My friend was unwittingly pushing a very big button with me.

‘It is in most cases.’ She snapped.  ‘It’s too hard, or it interrupts their lives, so they shove their family members into dumpy homes and forget about them.  It’s terrible.’

‘Again, that’s not always the case.’

‘Rubbish.’ She said, shaking her head defiantly.

‘My friend,’ I said calmly.  ‘You are wrong.  You are generalising, and you’re not being fair.’

‘Pffft.  It’s true.’

‘No, it’s not.  For some families, the decision to put their loved ones into a home is a very difficult one.  It comes back to capabilities and the care needed, and some people just have to do it.’

‘Everyone can care for their family members at home.  It’s just that they don’t want to.’

It was at this point, that I had to check myself, because I seriously wanted to punch her in the head.  ‘Clearly, you have never been in a position where you’ve had to make that call… where you’ve had to rip someone out of their life, and send them away…’

‘No, and I never will.  I could never do that to someone I love.’

‘Well, I thought the same thing, and I tell you this; it ain’t as easy as you think.’ I said angrily.  ‘You have no fucken idea what you’re talking about.’ I said, waving my finger at her.  ‘You forget that my father passed on a few years ago.  Mercifully, because his future was not going to be a pleasant one, and God spared him, and us, the trauma of it all by taking him.’

‘What’s that got to do with anything?’ she asked, confused.

‘Everything.’ I replied, sitting back in my chair.  ‘You see; my mother was trying to care for Dad at home.  He was terminal, and we were simply trying to keep him at home as long as we possibly could; a place where he was most comfortable.

Many months before he passed, when he was still well, he, Mum and I had a good talk about the future, and what we would do if his health deteriorated to a point where Mum couldn’t care for him any more. 

I’m not afraid to say that I don’t believe I could have provided the care he needed.  Mum tried, and did a fabulous job, but in the end, it became too much for even her to handle.

We all decided that if professional care was needed for Dad, that I must be the one to make the decision.  You see, I had two people to think about here.  Not just Dad, but Mum as well. 

Caring for her beloved whilst watching him die was a terribly trying experience for her, and naturally, took its toll.  She was in her 70’s; it’s was such a physical and mental challenge, and she was struggling.

You see, there comes a point where you stand back and say: okay.  I have two parents here to think about.  Mum’s struggling, and Dad’s possibly not getting the best medical attention and care that he can, even though she’s doing a fabulous job.  He needs the best care possible at this stage of his life, and Mum needs a fucken break.   If she doesn’t get one, I’ll lose her too.’

My friend listened intently, and I could see by her face that she had regretted her harsh words. 

‘When I have a father on one side that needs 100% care, and a mother on the other side that’s not coping any more, the hardest decision a child has to make was made in a heart beat.’

‘I see.’

‘In our situation, it wasn’t like we didn’t try… it wasn’t like we wanted to dump him and forget him, like you’re suggesting.’

‘I didn’t mean you…’

‘No, it’s okay.  You were generalising, but you were also being unfair to everyone out there like me.  It becomes an issue of care quality.  His health deteriorated so much that he needed to be under constant medical supervision.  Mum watching him and nurses checking in a couple of times a day at home was not enough.  He needed much more, and palliative care was the only place he could get it.’

My friend just nodded and sipped her drink, lost for words.

‘I don’t doubt that there are people out there that just dump their relo’s because they don’t want to bother dealing with it.’ I continued.  ‘That’s their choice.  Maybe they know, deep down, that they can’t hack it; and that’s okay.  I don’t think I could have cared for Dad; I’m not made of tough enough stuff.  I’m not proud of that… but… it is what it is. 

However, I could sleep well at night knowing that Dad was under constant twenty-four hour care.  If something happened to him, he would be attended to immediately by people trained for whatever situation presented itself.  Surely that counts for something?’

‘It does.’ She smiled.  ‘I didn’t think of it like that…’

‘Well, like I said… you’ve not been in that position before.’

‘If it was your Mum that needed that care, would you make the same decision?’ She cunningly asked, knowing how close I am to Mum.

‘Yes… I think so.’ I smiled.  ‘Again, it’s a matter of providing the right kind of care for her.  I honestly hope that when her time comes, that she simply passes peacefully in her sleep, and she doesn’t have to deal with all of the bullshit that ill health brings along for the ride.’

‘Amen to that.’

‘But… that’s the only thing we don’t know for sure, is it?  When we’re actually going to die.  Or how.  What does the future holds for us, health wise?  Will we suffer?  Will it be tragic?  Will we pass peacefully and surrounded by those we love?’ I smiled.

‘Well… we won’t know until that time comes, will we?’

‘For sure.’ I agreed, topping up my glass with more chilled water.  ‘I just take comfort in knowing that the best decision I could have made for my parents, was made, and God saved me from having to live with that for too long.’

‘I’m sure you acted in the best interests of your father.  I have no doubt about it.’

‘Thank you.’ I smiled.  ‘It was hard, because you want your family member there, you know?  You don’t want to put them into a hospital or a home.  It’s not right…. It’s not fair… they should be at home and happy and healthy with us… but it just can’t be like that.  You have to push your own feelings aside, and think of their welfare.  That is absolutely paramount.  It’s about what’s best for them.’

‘True.’

‘Don’t be so quick to judge people that put their family members into homes.’ I said calmly.  ‘Behind every person is a story.  Behind every story is a family in pain.  It’s not as impersonal as you think.’

‘Well… I hope I never have to make that choice…’

‘I pray you don’t either, my friend… cos it’s a tough one to live with.  ‘