THIS IS THE WORST OF IT

So, Mum, Jade and I are heading off to Bendigo for an afternoon’s shopping.  It’s a nice day and we’re yapping away as we head into the lovely town of Heathcote, but fifteen minutes from home.

I can see flashing lights ahead, and cars pulled over to the side, and assume that this must be another Booze Bus set up in town.

Jade has a laugh and says ‘If they ask you if you’ve been drinking Lee, are you going to show them your bottle of water?  The usual joke, as I don’t drink and the breathalysers are a waste of time for me.

I wonder if I’ll slip through…  I think as I approach the scene.  Not moments later, a police officer literally steps right out in front of my car, points directly to me, and indicates for me to pull into the service lane.

‘That was rather extreme…’ I muttered, pulling into the queue of trucks and cars.

The copper comes up to my window, a determined look on his face.  ‘Can you get your licence out please, M’aam.  The officer will come along and check it shortly.’ He quipped, and continued on to the next vehicle.

‘What the fuck?’ I said, reaching into my handbag, which was on the floor beside Mum. 

‘Why would he want your licence?’ Iris asked.

‘Maybe they’re doing random licence checks, Ma.  Seeing if they can ping anyone with outstanding fines and stuff…’ I shrugged.

‘You haven’t got any, have you?’

‘Of course not.’ I snapped, thinking that there had to be something more to it.  I had a really bad feeling about this…

Another copper came up to my window, greeted us and took my licence from me.  He leant it against the screen of the small laptop he was carrying, clicked at the keyboard and waited a moment.

‘Ok M’aam…’ he handed back the licence.  ‘If you could pull your car over to the side of the road with the others, I’ll come up and chat to you in a moment.’

‘Oh, okay…’ I said, but before I could ask what the problem was, he was gone.

‘What’s going on?’ asked Iris, and I just shrugged.  ‘I’ve no idea…’ I drove past about ten cars parked on the side of the road, and pulled to a stop at the head of them all, wondering what the fuck was going on.

There was a big mobile van set up in the old service station at the side of the road, with tables out the front, and people and coppers sitting at the tables like they were being interviewed.  What was this?  What had I done?

I did a mental check: I wasn’t speeding, I have no fines, my seatbelt was on; I spun around and looked at Jade.  Nope; her seatbelt was on.  What did I do?

‘What do you think they want, Lee?’ Jade asked nervously.

‘Maybe they just want to compliment me on my awesomeness, mate.’ I tried to reassure her.

‘More like compliment Grandma…’ she smiled.  Snap.

‘What could it be…?’ Iris wondered aloud.  Then she said the words that literally made my heart stop.  ‘Have you paid your registration?’

Oh.  My.  God. 

I haven’t paid my registration.   I clapped my hand over my mouth.  ‘That’s it…’ I said, turning to her.  ‘I haven’t paid my rego.  It was due two weeks ago…’ I flopped back in my chair, resting my head against the head rest.  ‘I forgot all about it… that’s what it will be…’

Twenty-four years of driving, and I’ve never forgotten my rego.  Until now.

I looked in the side mirror, and could see the copper striding toward us.  Great; I’m screwed.  What are they going to do to me?

‘Morning, M’aam.’ He said.  ‘Your drivers licence please?’ I pulled it out of my purse; again, and handed it to him.  Again, he put it on his lap top and clicked away. 

We watched silently as he walked around the front of my car, and to the rego sticker on the passenger side, and nodded.

‘That’s it.’ Mum and I said in unison.

‘What will they do Lee?’ Jade asked.

‘They’ll fine me, champ.’

‘How much?’

I remembered back to a time, not a few years ago, that Charlie borrowed a friend’s trailer, totally unaware that the trailer was not registered.  He got pulled over by the police and fined a couple of hundred dollars for driving with an unregistered trailer in tow.  ‘Possibly a couple of hundred bucks, champ.’

‘Will you have to pay that now?’

‘No baby.  They give you time to pay it.’ 

I couldn’t believe it!  How stupid! I have the money for it sitting in my bank account!  I remember even thinking; ‘I must pay my rego’ through the week… I can’t believe I’ve forgotten about it!

‘M’aam,’ the officer said, returning to my window.  ‘You do realise that your vehicle registration has expired?’

‘Yes.’ I smiled causally.  ‘Mum and I were just discussing that… I just realised it hadn’t been paid…’

‘Any reason for not paying it?’

‘I simply forgot all about, mate… it’s been a hectic couple of weeks…’ I could try to talk my way out of it; try to bullshit… come up with some line that may work… but at the end of the day, I was in the wrong.  I hadn’t paid my rego.  I couldn’t be bothered arguing, which would possibly make the situation worse anyway.  Plus, I had Jade in the back seat; what kind of example would that be to her?

‘Ok then.  Well, you haven’t got anything hanging over your licence, so that’s a good start.’ Said the officer.

‘What do you mean?’

‘You have no fines or outstanding warrants, unlike some of the people in the cars behind you…’ I flicked my eyes up to the mirror, and took in the stream of cars parked behind me.  ‘They’re in the same boat as you, M’aam.  They haven’t paid their rego either.’

‘You’re kidding…’ the overwhelming feeling that I was a criminal was only marginally diminished by that discovery.

‘So today M’aam, we’re going to fine you for driving an unregistered vehicle.’ He checked my licence details with me as he wrote out the fine. 

‘So what happens now?’ I asked.  ‘Can I drive home and pay my registration?  What do I do?’

‘If you drive off and have an accident, you’re not covered by TAC.  You can take that risk if you want to, but if you continue up the road and another enforcement vehicle pulls you over, they could fine you again, because you’re continuing to offend.’ He explained.

I thought to myself that, knowing my luck, he’ll radio ahead to another car and tell them I’m coming.  They’ll pull me over and slam me with another fine, just to teach me a lesson.  ‘Oh, okay.’

‘Realistically, I shouldn’t let you leave here without paying your registration.  Do you have a credit card on you?’

‘No…’ I didn’t have enough credit on my credit car to pay the rego. 

‘I do.’ Mum said, coming to the rescue.

‘Well, if you ring Vic Roads on this number-‘ he flipped over the back of my licence and showed me the number, ‘and pay your registration over the phone, they’ll give you a receipt number, and you’ll be free to go.’

‘Okay then.  I guess I’ll do that.’

‘When you’ve paid it, come and let me know.  I can’t let you leave until you do.’ He said, folding up my fine.  He handed it to me through the window.  ‘That’s the worst of it.’ he added, and was gone.

I sighed heavily as I unwrapped the little red and white present he’d just given me, and for the second time in about ten minutes, my heart literally stopped.

$611.

You’ve got to be fucken kidding me?  $611?  ‘Oh my God…’ I muttered, and instantly burst into tears, handing the fine to Mum.

‘Oh dear… they certainly know how to fine people, don’t they…’

As I sat back in my seat, the shock of the fine sinking in, I saw Charlie’s ute drive past  He was on his way to golf.  He was gonna kill me.

$611.  I instantly started thinking of all the things I could do with that much money.  Six pairs of jeans, another little trip to Canberra, 12 boxes of celebrity slim sachets, a full set of tyres for my car, the power bill, sleepers for the new garden beds, a shopping spree at City Chic; next years fucken registration.

$611.

Once the rego was paid, and I was ‘free to go’ (I felt like such a criminal), we were on our way, and I rang Charlie.  Don’t fret: I have a hands free thingy that goes through my car stereo.  At least they wouldn’t ping me for driving whilst on the phone.

‘How you goin’, sweetie?’ he asked, when he answered the phone.

‘Not so good.’

‘What’s happened?’

‘Well, apparently, I haven’t paid my registration.’

Silence on the other end of the phone; I could hear his mind ticking over.  ‘Did you get pulled over by the coppers in Heathcote?  Was that was the big road block was for?’

‘Yep.’

‘Hhahahhaaaa…’

‘Thanks for the sympathy.’ I muttered, a little surprised at his reaction.  Iris just laughed and snorted beside me, clamping her hand over her mouth.  Good one Mum.

‘How much did they sting you?’

‘Six hundred and eleven dollars.’

‘Fucken what?’

‘You heard.’

‘Six hundred and eleven dollars?  Know how to fine, don’t they?’

‘It would appear so.’

‘Well, I can pretend I’m really tough and cool now.’ He said, and I could hear him smiling.

‘How so?’

‘Well, I have a criminal for a wife now.  No one will mess with me.’

Iris and Jade burst out laughing, and I realised right then, that I was never gonna to hear the end of this.

Broke peace out.