AUNTIE JUDE

Soft, amber light spilled across the room from the small lamp behind Auntie Jude’s bedhead.

I sat quietly in the chair next to Charlie’s cousin, Nigel; my arm around his massive shoulders.  Six foot something; a tall, strapping young man, sitting hunched over in his chair as he held his beloved Aunt’s fragile little hand. 

On the other side of the bed, Nathan; Auntie Jude’s ‘baby boy’ slid into a seat, took his mother’s hand, and started quietly speaking to her.

She couldn’t respond, of course.  She was past that now.  Though, I’ve no doubt she could hear everything that was going on around her.

Charlie-Albert stood beside me, holding my hand.  I looked up at him, and he winked at me. 

I leant back in the chair and took in the people around me.  Family members wandered casually between Auntie Jude’s hospital bedroom, and the adjoining family room, with chairs, a couch and a small kitchenette.  The bench and sink were littered with soft drink bottles, glasses, mugs, plates, biscuits and a kettle working overtime.  Simple comforts.

Nigel sat back with a sigh, sorrow heavy on his face, and looked at me.  ‘I love this family.’ He said simply.  ‘I really love them, you know?  I have friends and know people that have families that… aren’t close.  They don’t speak or whatever, and I can’t understand it.  I don’t know where I’d be without these people, Lee.  I love this family so much.’

I rubbed his back gently. ‘This family is pretty awesome, Nige.’ I smiled softly, leaning back in my chair.  ‘I’m from a large family, Nigel.  Dad was one of eleven, and Mum one of six.  I have hundreds; literally hundreds of cousins.  I wouldn’t know ninety per cent of them mate, but the ones I do, I love dearly.  One of them I would call my sister.’ I swallowed.  It was hard thinking about my family whilst sitting in this room.  ‘I have always said to Charlie that I love your family, Nigel, because they are all beautiful people.  They are fun, and loving and supportive, and have always made me feel welcome.’

Nigel smiled.  ‘That’s awesome.’

‘Always Nigel; always welcome.  They’re indeed beautiful people, and I feel a part of this family because of it.’

Nigel smiled and nodded, turning to look at his Aunt for a moment whilst I rubbed his back.  He turned and looked up at Charlie. ‘I’m a bit worried about you wearing a short sleeve business shirt, mate…’ he smirked, changing the subject.

Charlie looked at me.  ‘I told you…’ he laughed.  When I got home, I made him change his shirt into something a little nicer, and he said that the sleeves looked too short and felt funny when he wore it.

‘Be all right if you had rippling biceps to show off.’ Nigel added, and Nathan and I laughed.  Charlie just smiled.

And so it began.  The back and forth slanging match that was common between these cousins.  Grey hair, no hair, no talent, short arse, old man, kissing Barbie’s and so it went on.  Every now and then, one of them would turn to Auntie Jude and say ‘Auntie; save me here! They’re picking on me!’

Of course, if she was able, she would have just laughed at them all.  She loved her boys; her children; her nephews and nieces.  She loved them, and would have loved them being there with her at this time.  It was beautiful.

Charlie’s sister Michelle came into the room, and I stood up, gave Nigel a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, and moved to let her sit down next to her Aunt for a while.  She protested, but I ignored her and told her to sit.

I sighed as I leant against the doorframe of the opening between the two rooms, taking in at the scene before me.  The pain in this room was palpable, but the feeling of love was completely overwhelming. 

I could feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes as Auntie Rhonda, Jude’s sister, appeared beside me.  ‘It’s still raw, isn’t it?’ was all she said as she rubbed my arm.

Indeed it was.  A little over two years ago, I was in exactly the same position as Nathan, and his sister Simone, when my father passed on.  It was terrible, but at the same time, beautiful.  To be there until the very last moment is a blessed thing, but a curse also. 

The pain is incredible, and the helplessness even worse.  Now, sadly, every time I close my eyes and think of Dad, the last memory I have of him is his final moments.  My mind flitters momentarily to the pictures I have of him littered around the house; they distract me from the unpleasant memories…

For me, being in this room was very, very difficult.  I had already excused myself earlier in the evening, and hurried into the corridor as I broke down. 

It was still raw, and it made me angry.  Good people shouldn’t suffer like this!  It’s not fair! I looked town at tiny little Auntie Rhonda, and quietly said ‘It’s just not fair… I feel such sorrow for Uncle John, Nathan and Simone…’

Auntie Rhonda, who works extensively with her husband, a minister, in their local church didn’t miss a beat. ‘We can discuss fairness all night, my darling, but to no end.  It only upsets us.  It is what it is.’ She shrugged.  ‘That’s as simple as it gets.  It is what it is.’

She was right, of course.  It is what it is.  There is nothing any of us can do about it.  We can’t change anything, we can’t make a difference to what’s happening; it is what it is.  All we can do is love.

‘I’m sorry if it sounded blunt, my darling, but that’s the truth of the matter.’

‘You’re right, Auntie Rhonda.  It’s a life journey, and it affects us all.’

‘She’s made peace with God, Lee.  We’ve talked extensively about it over the past few days, and she’s welcomed God into her heart, and is ready to go.  She knows that God has a place for her beside him.’

I didn’t doubt that for a second, but my heart still bled for those she left behind.  I sighed, knowing exactly what her children are going through now, and exactly what they face in the days, weeks, months, years to come.

However, I found myself struggling to push down my own issues.  The memories of my father flooded my mind, and the pain of his death was as acute right now, in this room, as it was two years ago.

Nathan appeared at my side, smiled and hugged me.  ‘Don’t feel sad for me,’ he said simply.  ‘I’m thankful that I’ve had her in my life for so long. I’ve been blessed; we all have. I’ve made my peace with it, and I’m just thankful to be here at the end.’

My respect for Nathan just flew through the roof, as he smiled calmly at me, his eyes wet with unshed tears.  He displayed a strength that I didn’t have, and a resolve that has escaped me still.

I pushed my own issues down; hard, and hugged him.  What a beautiful soul, I though as we embraced.  Shame you follow the Western Bulldogs. :D

He didn’t deserve this grief; no one did.  However, as Auntie Rhonda said; it is what it is. 

A part of God’s greater plan.

Auntie Jude slipped away in the early hours the following morning, mercifully being carried away by angels wings, to that place in heaven Auntie Rhonda told me about.

Free; no pain; smiling, laughing, mischievous, and full of absolute love. 

That’s how I will remember Judith Giulieri. 

May you rest in peace, Auntie Jude.  You will leave a hole that only memories and love can fill.

Peace out.