WHAT'S IN A NAME?

So, I was watching Can Of Worms tonight (I’ve got to watch something other than Channel 10 and the cooking channel on Foxtel), and one of their questions really got me thinking.

I think it was something along the lines of:  It is wrong for a woman to take on a mans name when they get married?

I’m not sure I have the statement 100% right, but you get the drift. 

So here I am, sipping on my mineral water with a twist of lemon, thinking: what an interesting question…

I nearly barfed when one of the guests on the show, Elka Graham (Olympic swimmer for Australia), who was clearly on happy pills (or something much harder), doled out the sugar by the truck load, banging on about how wonderful it was for her to take on her hubby’s name, and she practiced his signature when he proposed, and life was so fucken full of roses.

Pffft.  Hope the weather’s nice in fairy land.

Not everyone experiences sunshine and rainbows at that stage in their life.

I’m 40 years of age; married when I was 37.  It’s fair to say, that my outlook on life at the time (and now) is possibly a little different to Elka’s, who is like…. 12.  So forgive my cynicism.

One of my girlfriends couldn’t wait to get married, because one of the benefits, apart from gaining an awesome hubby and a permanent bed warmer, was to change her surname, which she hated.

Me on the other hand; I had reservations about it.

Why?  I don’t really know… lots of reasons, I guess.

I suppose, after 37 years, I was kind of attached to my name, and I felt that by changing it, I was losing part of myself.  People said to me ‘you’re not losing yourself; you’re starting a new chapter in your life.’  I’m not starting a new chapter; I’m renaming the fucken book. 

It really didn’t sit well with me, and made me uncomfortable for a long, long time. 

I didn’t like the thought of ‘losing’ my history… my heritage… I felt like it was being swept away.  I was the last in my direct line of Stone’s.  Sure, I had cousins that were Stone’s, but in my direct family; I was it.  Now, it’s gone.

I think I was proud to carry that name, and I feel like I’ve let my family down in a way… which is crap, because I know I haven’t.

In complete contrast, I’m not always a traditionalist.  I thought of a hyphenated name: Stone-Buttler.  I would be one of those people with two surnames.  Surely that would appease the masses.  I liked the sound of it: Stone-Buttler.  However, my husband-to-be did not.

When I raised the issue with him, he was quite shocked.  Never had it occurred to him that I wouldn’t be happy about taking on his name.  He never even considered it, and was quite saddened when I said that I wasn’t keen on it.  He actually said that ‘you’re becoming a part of me; a part of my family now.  If feel that by not taking on my name, that you think I’m not good enough.’ 

Not for a second did I want him to feel that he wasn’t good enough. That was definitely not the case.  Sure, he was punching above his weight with me anyway, but that’s another story.  J

No, this was about my own loss of identity, and I don’t think he could understand that.  He was not changing anything; I was.  So how could he possibly relate? 

Like my girlfriend that was keen to take on another name (one that people would actually say correctly!), I wondered if there were others that weren’t so happy.

I found out that one of my girlfriends didn’t want to take on her hubby’s name, and was told ‘if you don’t take my name, you don’t take me.’  She took his name. 

I’d known one of my girlfriends for many years, and although she was married, I never realised that her surname was still her maiden name.  She never took her husbands name, because she had built quite a professional career for herself, and her name was like a product brand.  To change it would have been detrimental to her career.  Her husband understood and didn’t mind.  I wonder if it bothered him deep down though…

This issue plagued me for a long time, and I remember bringing it up with my Dad one day when we were having a chat and a cuppa.  He said to me ‘get over yourself.  It’s a part of marriage; it is the start of a new chapter, and you are gaining a new family.  Just because you change your name, doesn’t mean you lose this one.’

Wise words that pulled my head out of my arse pretty quickly.

So the change was made, and I welcomed the new chapter in my life.  However, I feel I’m still growing into it.  I don’t feel like I’m a Buttler yet, but I’m on the way to being so.  I think.  Whatever that may be.

Or is it just a name?  Are we defined by it?  Or are we defined by our actions, irrespective of the moniker we carry?

Wikipedia describes it as:  A word used for identification.  A personal name that identifies a specific, unique and identifiable, individual person.

Maybe that’s just it; a word used for identification purposes.  Though, it is more than that to me.  I think it’s more than that to all of us.

What’s in a name?  You are.  You define it by your actions.  It’s something that you carry with pride.  Something that I carry with pride.

I’m proud to be a Buttler.

Peace out.