RYAN REYNOLDS IS HOT...

Did I tell you that I think Ryan Reynolds is hot?  No? 

I think Ryan Reynolds is hot.

So, after a big day hocking all of Mum’s wares at her garage sale, Charlie, Iris, Jade and I head off to the movies.

We wanted to see Planet Of The Apes, but missed the session at The Nong by about 15 minutes.  Bummer.  Enjoyed the fine dining experience that is Red Rooster too much.  Clearly.

So, off to Fountain Gate we go.

I drop of the family near the door (cos Iris can’t walk very far), and head off to find a space for my baby.  After dodging half the nuffies in Nazza Wazza, I amazingly arse a car park near the entrance.

Anyway, I leave the car, fight my way through the other half of the Nazza Wazza nuffies congregated in the cinema foyer, and find the family, only to discover that the ape movie has sold out.  So, The Green Lantern it is.

Did I tell you that I think Ryan Reynolds is hot?

So Charlie and Iris purchase the tickets, and Jade and I hit the candy bar.  Now, I seriously don’t understand why it’s called a candy bar.  It should be called ‘the place where we’ll shaft you, because you were too disorganised to go to the supermarket first’. 

$19 for two boxes of popcorn, two drinks and a packet of maltesers is not, in any way, shape or form, reasonable.  However, dickheads like me pay it, because I was too disorganised to go to the supermarket first, where I could have bought everything we needed for $5. 

They could have at least thrown in a jar of Vaseline before they reamed me.

So we take our tickets and ridiculously overpriced food and beverages upstairs to the cinema waiting area. 

Naturally, like anyone with a pulse, we start eating the popcorn whilst we’re waiting.  Guess who drops one of the boxes.  Me.  Cos that was not at all embarrassing. 

I apologise profusely to the usher, who smiles painfully at me; clearly thinking ‘you fuckwit’, whips out a broom and dust pan on a stick, and sweeps up my mess quicker than a starving fat kid eats a donut.  Clearly, this was a regular occurrence.  I’m pleased that I can now be tied into the Nazza Wazza nuffies in such an honourable way.

*sigh*

So, after he stops laughing at me, Charlie said ‘I think we have reserved seats.’ 

‘What do you mean?’ I ask.  He hands me the tickets, and sure enough, we have reserved seating.  I shrug.  ‘Holy crap!  These tickets were $20 each?’ I looked at him.

‘Yeah,’ he nods.  ‘I thought it was a little pricey.’

‘You’re not kidding.’  Fucken reamed again.

Charlie said ‘for $20, I better get a blow job as well.’  Mum found that incredibly amusing.  She loves Charlie.  Gold knows why… she’s such a lady, and he’s such a… well; he’s Charlie.

So anyway, the four of us, our ridiculously overpriced drinks and half eaten/spilt popcorn are told ‘cinema one is ready!’ and in we go. 

Clearly, this is not a normal cinema, as they have big arsed chairs with plenty of room, and drink holders that actually hold your drinks without fear of them being spilt everywhere.  I turned to Charlie and said ‘obviously, we’re in one of the flash cinemas.’

‘I dunno,’ he grunts.  ‘I just bought the fucken tickets.’

‘True.’ I agree.  ‘You’re only good for your money.’

‘Clearly.’

Did I tell you that I think Ryan Reynolds is hot?

So after a while of sitting there, staring at a blank screen and watching the great unwashed shuffle in and find their seats, Charlie says to me ‘Do you notice that a lot of them seem to have 3D glasses…’  I pull my ticket out of my pocket, and said ‘holy crap… its 3D.  I didn’t notice that before… why didn’t they give us glasses?’

‘I dunno.’ He grunts.  ‘I just bought the fucken tickets.’

‘I’ll go see what I can find out.’ I said, and off I toddled, back to the usher with lightning-popcorn-reflexes and say ‘dude; we didn’t get any glasses.’

Now, I will point out here that it’s 8.30pm.  Quite frankly, I’m exhausted.  I’ve had a long day standing on cold concrete in the cool winter weather, dealing with haggling nuffers scavenging over the remains of the day.  My back hurts.  My neck hurts.  My legs and feet are screaming at me to go back to my seat and sit my arse down.  On top of that, I’ve had to share a space with a few hundred people that need to reacquaint themselves with either a shower, make up remover, a hair brush, or clothes that fit and don’t allow bits of flesh to hang out at all angles.  Plus, I spilt about $4000 worth of popcorn.

I’m a little cranky.

‘You need to purchase the glasses, maam.’ The usher says politely.

‘Purchase the glasses?  You are kidding me?’  He just blinked at me.  ‘For $20, I expect them to be given to me, and for some dude to come in, unfold them, and place them on my head for me.  I have to buy them?’

‘Yes maam,’ he said nervously.  The usher next to me says ‘I’ll see if I can find any spare ones…’ and literally runs off.  He clearly understood how pleased I was.  ‘Did they not tell you that when you purchased your tickets?’ Dustpan boy says.

‘Clearly not, champ.’

‘Oh.  I suppose they’re so use to people having their own glasses with them when they come here.’

‘Good on them, however, that doesn’t cater for people like me that only come here once in a friggin lifetime.  How much are these glasses?’

‘They’re only a dollar, maam.’

‘And clearly, that’s too expensive to include in the $2o ticket price…’ I sighed.  At the cinemas in Bendigo, for $17 they give you the glasses, which you return at the end of the show.  Wtf?

‘So where do I get the glasses from?’

‘You need to go back to the ticket box…’ he said nervously.

‘You are kidding me!’ I snapped.  ‘I have to traipse 300 miles back to the ticket box, queue up for another 20 friggin’ minutes, to get four pairs of glasses that should have come with the tickets anyway, all because someone hasn’t done their job?’  He just blinked at me.  ‘I’m sure you can sense my extreme displeasure.’

The other usher returns and declares that we don’t have any spares.  Dust pan boys says to me ‘if you go to the express queue, which is for people that purchase their tickets online, and explain the situation, they’ll give them to you straight away.’

‘In exchange for $4, of course…’ I sighed, and headed back to get my purse.  I explained what was happening to Charlie, who said ‘you’re kidding…clearly, I’m not going to get my blow job…’ as I stomp off to the other end of Narre Warren to get four pairs of fucken glasses. 

Did I tell you that I think Ryan Reynolds is hot?

So I stumble my way down a flight of stairs (because the escalator only ferries people up; not down), and my back, neck and legs screaming for mercy all the way as I stomp across the foyer to the ticket box.  So here is my mission; I’m going to see if I can score some free glasses.

There are about 50 people in the queue for tickets, and I feel guilty that I cut past all of them in the express queue, AND I really appreciated their ignorant, angry stares as I get called up before them all.

So the ticket chick says ‘How can I help you?’  Last famous words.

‘The usher upstairs sent me back down here, because apparently, I’m supposed to purchase 3D glasses from you.’

‘Um… that’s correct….’

‘Why weren’t we told that when we purchased the tickets?’

‘Um… I don’t know… who served you?’

‘You did.’ Which was true.  I could see Charlie being served by this chick from the queue at the ridiculously overpriced food and beverages counter.

‘Oh… um… I’m so terribly sorry…’

‘As well you should be.’ I sighed ‘Look; we’re pretty ignorant here. We didn’t realise that we were going to 3D, which is okay.  We didn’t realise we were going into the flash cinema, which is okay.  However, someone should have asked us if we needed glasses, and I cannot believe, after shelling out $80 for four people, that we have to pay for damn glasses as well.  I am so not happy, and this has spoilt the whole night for us…I feel like we’ve just walked in and been fleeced of our money…’ as well as losing $4000 worth of popcorn on your dirty floor.

The ticket chick looked around nervously, because, although I wasn’t raising my voice (I’m not a yeller in public places), she was becoming increasingly embarrassed.  ‘I apologise for the inconvenience… it was an oversight on our part…’

‘No, it was an oversight on your part.’ I corrected. ‘However, the one thing you should take from this, is to ensure that everyone has a pair of glasses before they wander upstairs and settle themselves in.’

‘I won’t charge you for the glasses… please; just take them and accept my apologies.’

‘Well, thank you very much.’ I smiled happily.  Mission accomplished.

Did I tell you that I think Ryan Reynolds is hot?

So the family enjoyed The Green Lantern, with their ridiculously overpriced tickets, beverages, maltesers and half eaten/split popcorn and free glasses.  Jade had to nudge Iris at one stage, because she was quietly snoring (poor love was knackered).  We all found this incredibly amusing, even Iris, as she always falls asleep in her comfy recliner in front of the telly.

 Must have felt like home; just more ridiculously overpriced.

During the previews, there were ads coming up asking us to recycle our classes in the special blue bin on the way out.  Screw you, Village Cinemas! I’m keeping my freebie glasses to compensate for the reaming you gave me everywhere else!  Maybe I can hock them on eBay...

Friggin’ thieves.

Screw you, and Ryan Reynolds too (cos he’s hot, and I would enjoy that).

Peace out.