PARENTS V TEENAGERS

As most of you know, I’m the step-mother to a 14 year old bag of hormones.

Clearly, I have chosen this path because I like to constantly torment myself for sins I have committed somewhere along the line (fuck knows what they are) and need to be forever punished for my failings as a human being.

One clear example of my failings is that we produce our own beef on our farm, yet my step-daughter is a vegetarian.  FAIL. *hangs head in shame*

I can think of no other reason why put myself through this, other than to accommodate my beloved husband, and because I’m a sucker for punishment.

Being a step-parent is akin to torture.  This is something that only other step-parents can understand, and something that a biological parent cannot, in any way, shape or form, appreciate (unless of course they somehow become a step-parent).

I was chatting with a friend the other day about the joys of step-parenting, and she said: ‘I don’t know how you do it.  Being a step-parent must be so hard…’

I’m like: ‘If you don’t mind people staring at the bruises on your forehead from constantly banging your head against a wall in complete and utter frustration, it’s a piece of cake.’

So, this got me thinking (which my husband tells me is the source of most of my problems; thinking).

You see, the main problem I have is communication.  The fact that I am always right, and my step-daughter hasn’t worked that out yet, doesn’t help, but it is clearly evident that we are not only on a different wavelength, we’re on a completely different planet.

If men are from Mars, and women are from Venus; children are from Uranus.

I remember being a teenager; just.  I remember the music, the makeup, the hair, the ‘80’s, the movies, the tennis, the sleepovers, the angst, stoopid boys, and high school.  I’ve been through everything that my step-daughter is going through now. Been there; done that.

However, having an additional 25 years of knowledge and experience in my head than her would appear to make my view on life vastly different to her teenage one.  This is understandable, and hence why she needs to acknowledge that I’m always right.  Maybe when she breeds herself, she’ll get it.

Anyway; back to me thinking too much.

After great consideration, I’ve created what I feel is a fairly accurate comparative between parents and teenagers.  Note I said ‘parents’, not adults.  You see, adults have two things that parents don’t: 1) no children and 2) freedom.

Yes: freedom.  Don’t sit there going ‘OMG! How could you say that!’ because it’s true. What you wouldn’t give for the chance to just have some peace from doing the washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning, transporting and Christ knows what else you do for your ungrateful children.  Freedom my friends.

Below is my quintessential guide for the comparison of parents and teenagers.  Anyone who is the parent or step-parent of a teenager will immediately appreciate it.  Anyone who is not (previously said ‘adult’) will be shocked at the horrific glimpse of what a teenager can actually be like.  Failing that, it will bring back memories of what an arse you were as a teenager and that you owe your parents some compensation.

Brace yourself.

SIMILARITIES

PARENTS	TEENAGERS
Eat	Eat
Sleep	Sleep
Shit	Shit

DIFFERENCES

PARENTS	TEENAGERS
Eat food they paid for	Eat food everyone else pays for, and then complains about it.
Sleep in a bed and under a roof they paid for	Sleep in a pig sty they created, in a bed they can barely find, under a roof that someone else paid for, and then complain about it.
Shit in a toilet they paid for, using toilet paper and air freshener they paid for.	Shit anywhere, maybe use toilet paper, and don’t care about air freshener.  Let’s not mention hand washing.  Then, they complain about it and try to blame the cat for the smell.
Brushes teeth twice a day.	What’s a toothbrush?
Assesses their priorities for the day, determines what is most important (usually not stuff they want to do) and busts their nuts in an attempt to get everything on their ridiculously long list done.	Assesses their priorities for the day, determines that doing makeup and hair requires a larger slice of the day than homework, thus causing the domination of the bathroom.  Then, when they run out of time to do their homework, they complain about it.
Sacrifices their weekend (only time off) to drive their child all over the country side for sport, sleepovers, shopping, movies and other irrelevant bullshit, because they want their kid to be happy.	Gets driven all over the country side for sport, sleepovers, shopping, movies and other irrelevant bullshit, which their simple lives cannot exist without, ignorant to the fact that their ‘rents’ have sacrificed their weekend to do so, and not giving a fuck anyway.  Then, they complain about it.
Try to do as much as possible around the house, so they can relax in front of the telly each night.	Does as little as possible around the house, so they can relax in front of the telly 24/7.
Get up early each morning, just so they can make their kids lunch each day.	Throw their lunch into the bin on the way through the school gate, leaving them with nothing to eat all day; then complain about it.
Hurriedly throw together a three course meal each night, that’s fit for the Queen herself, to please their loving family.	Hates the dinner that is cooked for them, because they either don’t eat coloured foods, are vego’s, don’t feel like porterhouse steak tonight, the mashed potatoes have lumps in it, or don’t like carrots, leaving them with nothing to eat.  Then, they complain about it.
Rush around in the morning like an idiot, jumping between getting ready for work and reminding the kids to hurry up so you can get them to the bus on time, so you’re not late for work.	Yell at you to stop nagging them, run around in a panic because they can’t find their school tie in their pig-sty bedroom, don’t give a toss if you’re late for work, but are devastated that they miss the bus and have to be dropped ‘mega early’ at school because of it, and then complain about it.
Try to lovingly help their child resolve their issues/problems.	Scream at their ‘rents’ because they can’t find their school tie, or the world is coming to an end because they’ve run out of mascara (this could apply to either sex, really), are ‘dying’ because it’s foggy, and their straightened hair will frizz (again, either sex) and continue to carry on like twats because somehow, this is your problem now and it’s your fault it can’t be fixed.  Then, they complain about it.
Think your child is the most wonderful, blessed gift that the universe could bestow upon you, irrespective of their faults.	Thinks their ‘rents’ are aliens from another planet that are so out of touch with the youth of today, that they should be put in a nursing home, even though they’re only 40 (which is like really old). They’re such a total embarrassment to their image, which they constantly complain about.
When asks for assistance from the teenager in any way, is greeted with a screaming lecture which identifies the parent as an obsessive neat freak that controls every aspect of their lives, dominates them to a point that they will be an emotional cripple for the rest of their lives, and declares that they have rights too, you know.	When seeks assistance, receives it without complaint and with love and encouragement.
Enjoys going out to dinner and spending quality time with the family.	Thinks going out to dinner with the family is a complete waste of time, because who wants to spend time with the ‘rents’ anyway, and it cuts into their cyber-social life.
Socialising entails spending quality time with friends/family over coffee or lunch, catching up on the gossip	Socialising is spending hours in front of a computer screen ‘talking’ to people they cannot see and have possibly never met, whilst having several text conversations on their mobile phone; again, with people they cannot see and have possibly never met.
All of their friends are real.	Majority of their friends are cyber, and include Facebook friends called ‘Beyonce Knows’.  These same friends are their ‘bestest friends ever!’ whom they ‘love’ very much.
Spends hours of their valuable time wandering around a supermarket, panicking over the cost of everything, just so they can put food in the cupboard/fridge so everyone has something to eat.	Even though the cupboard/fridge is full, complains that there is nothing to eat.
Busts a nut to get the washing and ironing done every week.	Doesn’t give a toss about the washing and ironing that’s be placed in their room and 1) dumps it on the floor and ignores it, or 2) complains that their favourite top has not been washed, even though they forgot to put it in the wash basket, and complains that their social life will come to an end because they cannot wear it.
When teenager barges into bedroom without any consideration for what the adult may be doing, is greeted with love and apologies for any potential embarrassment that they have unintentionally caused, for fear of emotionally crippling them for the rest of their lives.	When parent barges into teenagers room (which is in the house that they paid for), the teenager goes into hysterics about the hideous, almost criminal invasion of privacy, and declares that they will be an emotional cripple for the rest of their lives because of it.  Then complains about it.
Works hard to earn the money to pay for EVERYTHING.	Does not understand the concept of money, and doesn’t care, because the ‘rents’ will pay for it anyway.
Thinks a job is a necessity, and cannot survive without it.	Thinks a hair straightener is a necessity, and cannot survive without it (again, applicable to either sex)
Believes that the latest fashion involves hiding everything unsightly.	Believes that the latest fashion is flashing everything unsightly.
Believes ‘skinny-leg-jeans’ on men is horrendous, and a serious crime against humanity.	Believes that skinny leg jeans on men are just the coolest thing ever (again, applies to either sex), and it is a crime against humanity not having a pair.
Believes everything should be earnt.	Believes everything should be handed to them on a silver platter.

I hope these simple points have clarified the differences between parents and teenagers, and that they can assist you in not only communicating with any teenager, but stop you from spontaneously punching the crap out of any random one that crosses your path (which at times, is totally justified), particularly the ones that still insist on wearing the jeans around their crotch, showing of their Calvin Clien's, even though this shit went out of fashion about five years ago.

I will at this point say, that not all teenagers fit into the stereotypes above.  Some are freaks of nature that are either psychopaths or just absolutely wonderful.

God knows what one you could end up with.

Peace out.