THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH!

Roll up!  Roll up!  Come and see the greatest show on earth!

As the gates opened, the hordes flooded in and swarmed over everything with anticipation and hunger.

Yes: it was 8.30am Saturday morning, and the garage sale had begun.

There were such spectaculars to see!  Retro lounge suites and coffee tables, handmade display units, cane furniture, hanging baskets and pot plants, cookware, electrical appliances, outdoor settings, dining suites, musical sheets, an overlocker, wool, knitting needles, crafts, movie posters, videos, records, books, crockery and hand embroidered and crotched linen. 

A life once lived, and it was all on display for everyone to behold.

And in they came, from all walks and stations of life; picking through the remains like vultures on a corpse; searching for that hidden treasure; the ultimate bargain.

We had the early bird experts; the creatures that hit the sales first thing, seriously searching for something unique; something they can keep or sell.  That something special.  Money changes hands, and it’s on to the next property.

The token gay; who thought everything was fabulous, but could neither afford anything nor transport anything home in his dated sports car.  Who was also astonished that we didn’t offer a delivery service for a $10 bench seat, and was shocked when I pointed out that this was not Harvey Norman.

The eccentric lady; who rocked up in her gorgeous leopard print overcoat, and absolutely adored ‘all things old’.  Who spent nearly an hour going through music, books, records and linen, and took nearly all of them with her.  She was beautiful, and declared that out of all the sales she’d been to this morning, this was by far the best.  She’d had so much fun.

The ancient Asians; who haggled over everything.  ‘One dollar for you?’ was met by ‘No.  Five dollars.’  ‘Ok.  These two things, two dollar?’  ‘No.  Those two things eight dollars.’  ‘Ok.  This one thing; one dollar.’  ‘No. Five.  Stop wasting my time.’  These ancient Asians, who ended up spending over $100, and loaded it all into the back of their van with the other junk from other garage sales, I dare say ready for them to sell at the market the next day.

The families; that came looking for furniture, and excitedly took away mum’s retro lounge suite.  A bet was made that a certain demographic would come and purchase the burgundy velvet and gold tapestry suite (chuckarama), and I was right on the money.  I could see that this suite would be well loved and used in its new home.

The dude stuck in the 1980’s: who nearly passed out with excitement when he saw the collection on records from the ‘80’s; just before records became extinct.  (At this point I will say that Jade asked if she could look at a record, because she’d never actually seen one).  ‘I love this stuff! It’s fantastic! I’ll give you twenny bucks for the lot.’  ‘Sold my friend.  Enjoy.’

The sleeper item: the ten year old big screen telly and cabinet that sat, seemingly ignored, on the front verandah for most of the day.  Many people looked at it; but showed no real interest.  However once it was purchased, everyone in Dandenong suddenly wanted to take it home.  Quick or the dead, my friends.  Quick or the dead.

The ‘I can’t believe it’s gone’ people; that either turn up at 2pm in the afternoon, and expect the sewing machines to still be there, and are astonished when they’re not, or the people that come and look at items in the morning and go home to ‘have a think about them’, only to return and find them gone.  Suckers.  Early bird catches the worm.

The stragglers; who come in through the late afternoon, and declare ‘is this all you have?’ and are quite affronted when you simply say ‘No, this is all that’s left.  If you wanted the really good shit, you should have been here at 9am with the smart people.’

The quiet ones; who walk around looking at everything, not saying much, then when you tell them they can have a box of 40 year old cassette’s for a buck, they nearly cry with excitement.

The clowns: who think $20 for a dining table is too much, and inspect it and complain about the scratches on it.  Who are told ‘$20 bucks for a table this size is charity my friend, and you look like you need it.  Its forty years old, not brand new, and it was used.  So, there’s gonna be scratches on it.  Take it or leave it; I don’t give a shit.  Just make a decision for fucks sake.’

The shit stirrers: who see the clown faffing over a dinner table, comes up and says ‘how much for the table?’ which causes the clown to shit himself and throw $20 at you so you don’t sell it on him. 

The ring masters: who run around haggling, serving, taking money, passing over items, carrying things out to cars, helping out an Indian family by delivering their new lounge suite, because they don’t have a trailer (don’t tell the gay guy), starting up a lawn mower to show it works, plugging in fans to show they work, explaining how to use an overlocker and which plant is what.

The ones at the end of the day that are completely exhausted, but their work is not yet done, for they have to pack all of the unsold rejects away.

And as the greatest show on earth comes to a close; as the last stragglers wander away with their $1 egg rings, a calm that has been absent for the last eight hours descends upon the circus. 

There are huge gaps in the shelves where hundreds of plants once stood.  There are only a couple of items in the driveway now, which was previously full of dining, lounge and assorted furniture.  The tables that were covered in miscellaneous items are now sparse and bare. 

It has been a fun and profitable day.

It was The Greatest Show on Earth.