AND SO IT COMES TO AN END...

And so we come to the close of Masterchef 2011, with the fabulous Kate taking out the prize.

First off, let me say this: wtf were Channel 10 thinking about putting The Renovators on half way through the finale?  They are obviously as stupid as we think they are.

I mean, I know The Renovators is tanking, but part way through Masterchef? Really? I would love to see the statistics on that move.  I’m tipping two million people watched Masterchef, and at 7.30pm, one and a half million people went to have a cuppa or jumped on Facebook to kill an hour. 

How fucken ridiculous.  Channel 10; get your shit together.  Jebus.

I suppose I should mention the Friday night Masterclass.  If felt sorry for all of the contestants booted from the show, who had to sit there and endure the Kate and Michael/Michelle show.  What a performance!  George, Gary and Matt just looked like parents that were indulging their spoilt children as they had their moment in the sun, all the while reminding them that they were not good enough to get there in the end, including Alana, who stumbled in her Manolo’s just before the finish line, and Matt (goth boy), who was possibly sitting in the back row texting his woman.

There was a notable absence from this episode: budgie smuggler boy.  Apparently, Hayden was unwell.  I missed him.  Would have given me something pretty to look at.

So, back to the finale.  At least Channel 10 didn’t let me down when it came to the finale intro.  Reflections upon journeys… notes from families… longing looks at photo’s on the walls… chef’s jackets being buttoned up… * sigh * It was as comforting as a warm hug.

And so the finale format was as predicted (and as per previous seasons, I suppose): a skills/mystery box test; a cook anything you like test, and a pressure test involving some weird-arse thing made by an internationally awesome chef of whom I’ve never heard, but must instantly respect. 

Was I alone in being underwhelmed by the carrot snowman?  I’m mean; it looked gorgeous, but… that’s it?  mmm…

Now here’s a question for you; where was Adam Liaw?  I didn’t see him when they rolled out all of the chefs at the end.  Did you? I don’t recall him appearing on the series either (which I thought he would have, considering he was last years winner) Maybe I missed that episode… but I thought they would have rolled him out last night.  Maybe I’m mistaken.

Dani looked thrilled to be there (not), but I didn’t hear her annoying laugh or see her burst into spontaneous tears on cue, so that was a bonus.    Maybe she’s still sooking over all of the ‘Dani is an annoying twat’ pages on Facebook that have upset her so much.  Sometimes honey, reality bites.

And the lovely Ellie Paxton Hall, who sounds like she should be in a series of Ladette to Lady with a name like that.  Wear your hair down, child.  It looks more flattering.

Then there was Alana; the self declared bronze medallist.  I wonder if she’s worked out that she’s not in the competition any more, even though she was surprised to be there in the first place.  I wonder if her husband is still dressing like Matt Preston.

My eye-candy was there to support his bro-mance buddy, Michael.  I wonder if he’s worked out if he’s gay yet?  Lookout Hayden; you may get more sausage than you bargain for with this cook.

And who was the blonde chick that came in with Michael’s mother?  That wasn’t his sister?  She was possibly too embarrassed to come in again, after the last time.  She would possibly gag at the thought of having to eat a snowman.  No love; it’s not a man cooked in snow.  It’s a dessert.

Then there was the reflective, inspirational commentary of contestants throughout the show; gushing over how fantastic Kate and Michael/Michelle were, and declaring that they could cook anything AND solve world peace as well.  They’re that amazing.

Bet you weren’t thinking that when the cameras were switched off.

Weren’t the judges wonderful last night?  Didn’t they look handsome in their dinner jackets? Except Gary, who didn’t have a tie on for the last challenge? Maybe he was over it too.

They didn’t seem their annoying selves, which was fantastic.  No ‘Boom! Boom!’ and only a few corny time warnings.  ‘Don’t get caught up in this snow storm!’ ‘Now’s not the time to freeze!’  It was tolerable.

Then finally, after the show was dragged out over three hours, an hour of which we’ll never get back again; after the production of six different dishes, which most of us will possibly never eat, we had a winner. 

The lovely Kate, who I think most people wanted to win.  At least she might produce a cook book that we can understand, and start up that lovely little B&B in Orange.  That’s if her husband will let her out of the house again.  Last time he did, she was gone for nearly four months.

So now we have to adjust to a life post-Masterchef.  No more George, Gary and the two Matt’s.  No more cutting to the add break with an explosion of flames (which Jade and I had become quite gifted at predicting, and even had arm actions for).  No more tears, dramas, pressures, wooden mystery boxes, black cars and funky, multi-storey modern houses.  No more pigs heads and lambs brains.  No more Zumbo.  Zumbo would be disappointed Zumbo’s not there anymore. 

What do we have to look forward to now?

Well, it would appear that just about every contestant has either their own blog or website, as they seem to be under some kind of illusion that we actually give a shit about them, and that they alone could make a difference to our culinary world.

Here are just a couple of them for you:

http://danivenn.com/     

When you visit this site, be sure not to make her cry.  Again.  And Again.

http://cookingwithgoths.com/                

I was a fan of Matt before he got the arse for cheating.  I liked his style and his nature.  However, I still wish one thing for him: wash or cut your fucken filthy hair, you goth feral.

http://www.danielledixon.com.au/

Here, you can continue to admire her bright red lipstick.

http://www.elliepaxtonhall.com.au/

Really no comment here.

http://www.haydenquinn.com.au/

I would prefer it if he was just wearing his Cronulla budgie smugglers, just quietly…

http://thekitchengardener.com.au/

Hopefully, reading his blog won’t be as painful as hearing him speak and watch him gesticulate and carry on like a girl (no offence to all the girls out there).

Then of course, we could hope to see guest appearances on tv shows, cook books, and maybe even their own cooking shows.  Won’t it be wonderful?  I think I’ll just wait for the series three cookbook.

I’m happy for Kate.  I hope she takes advantage of this opportunity, and doesn’t get sucked back into a life of normality in Orange. I do hope her hubby allows her out again…

She’s had the golden whisk handed to her, and now all she has to do is whisk all of her dreams into a culinary reality (Curtis Stone would be proud of that one).

So, if you’re not going to apply for Season 4 yourself (remember, if you can cook toast…) then you can either get hooked on The Renovators and start remodelling your home (I’ve already scheduled a bathroom renovation for Christmas) or you can just hold out for the kiddie masterchefs.

I’m sure that there’ll be some reality out there to fill the void.

Peace out.