TO TORTE OR NOT TO TORTE!

So, last night, Masterchef rolls out a challenge that’s right up my alley.

What cake is that?

I said to Iris (I was at her place watching – usual Thursday night routine) ‘This will be interesting.  Half of these Masterchef-knuckleheads can’t bake.’

‘How do they end up on there if they can’t bake?’ she muttered, completely unaware that I’d blogged that very questions a few weeks ago. 

Iris is a MASSIVE baker.  I grew up with homemade biscuits, cookies and cakes in the pantry.  None of this bought plastic rubbish you get in the supermarkets today.  Real, home-style baking.  Yeah.   

A well rounded cook should be able to bake.  The end.

So, for this elimination challenge, the contestants have to ‘name that cake’, and out roll a plethora of gateaux’s like I’ve never seen.  As the camera rolls over them, Mum and I start rattling off what we thing they are… and considering we couldn’t taste, smell or get a really close look at them, I’m pleased to say we got a few.

However, I’m not too proud to say I didn’t know some of them, and certainly didn’t know what a Sacher Torte was.  Gary described the cake that Ben and Emma (Princess Beanie) both stumbled on as a ‘classic cake’.  Shit, I’ve never heard of it.  Have you?

According to Wikipedia (yeah… I know), it’s a specific type of chocolate cake (or torte) invented by chance by a sixteen year old apprentice chef, Jewish-Austrian Franz Sacher in 1832 for Princes Klemens Wenzel von Matternich in Vienna, Austria.  It is one of the most famous Viennese culinary specialties.  Check the blurb out for yourself.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sachertorte

Sounds like a classic cake to me.  However, I’m not in their mastercheffy league, so what the fuck would I know?

So, they all take their turns at picking the various cakes, slicing a piece and hoeing in.  Carrot cake, Victoria sponge, red velvet cake, orange and poppy seed, flourless orange (wtf?)… just to name a few (I’m friggin hungry now).

My favourite moment of the entire show, as Wade’s declaration that ‘This challenge is right up my alley.  I was a fat kid.  I know my cakes.’  I hear ya, my friend.  Well said.

So, Ben and Princess Beanie stumble on this Viennese culinary classic, and find themselves in the final round of elimination. No surprise considering Ben ‘doesn’t bake’, though Princess Beret does bang on about the thousands of cakes she pumps out at home.  However, big difference between pumping out cakes, and knowing what a ‘classic’ cake looks like, my friend.

Now, for a moment, I thought that Mum had accidentally bumped the remote control, and flicked over to a fucken Days of our Lives re-run, because there were tears and cries of ‘don’t do it!’ and all sorts of shit going on.

When I realised that the remote was actually sitting on the couch beside me, and I was still watching Masterchef, I couldn’t believe what was unfolding.

The two bbfl’s are going to have to fight it out! Oh no!  Someone’s Masterchef dream is going to end!  This is terrible!  Oh the drama! *rolls eyes*

In one corner, we have a girl who cry’s hysterically at everything, but has thankfully stopped wearing those stupid beanies.

In the other corner, we have a big dufus who is stumbling along with his arsenal of Mexican dishes, and by his own confessions, is simply there to ‘learn’ and not ‘win’.

What the fuck are you doing there man if you don’t want to win? 

I bet Filippo would have something to say about that.

As I watched Princess Beanie bawl her eyes out (just for something different), Ben romantically threw himself on his sword (or attempted to anyway), by declaring that he wasn’t going to cook against his bffl, and if it meant Emma went through, he would pull out.

FAIL.

Then, when Bo threw his hat in the ring by saying that he’ll take Princess Beanie’s place, I couldn’t help but wonder what the fuck is going on in that Masterchef house?

What magical hold has Princess Beanie got over the boys in this competition? What potions is she whipping up in the kitchen that makes them all want to take a bullet for her?

Or is the kitchen not the place where magic happens? Hey? Hey?

Both Bo and Ben (the flowerpot men) declared that they would be able to ‘survive’ in the real world, where Emma wouldn’t, just because they were older.

Ageists.

Forget the fact that she was young enough to go and get a fucken apprenticeship.  Forget that you entered this competition to win, not take a hit for another contestant (which everyone watching cannot stand).

Their declarations of undying love set the rest of the contestants off like fucken fire crackers!  ‘Don’t do it Ben!’ ‘Bo… what are you thinking?’ ‘Boys, come on… you have a dream too..’

FFS.  Actually, come to think of it, it was only the women that carried on.  Though, they were possibly jealous that the boys hadn’t stood up for them in earlier eliminations like they were standing up for Princess Beanie now.

Why is she so special?

Wade was suitably quiet.  He was possibly thinking, like anyone in a competition would be, that if one of these two went, that’s one less good cook I have to worry about.  The fat kid may get his cake and eat it too.

Though, he did have tears in his eyes.  Possibly tears of ‘whatever happens here, it’s going to be awesomer for me!’

Thankfully, the voice of reason (and God) intervened.  Gary calmly pointed out that Bo couldn’t take Princess Beanie’s place.  The rules of the competition said that if she guessed wrong, she went through to elimination.  No one could take her place.

He also said that even if Ben pulled out, Princess Beanie would still have to cook, so realistically, she still had to pass the elimination test.

So Ben said ‘Well, I may as well cook then.’ 

Indeed.  Why throw in the towel when there’s no benefit to it.  But don’t stress Ben; you tried, and your shining armour is still firmly in place.

His later declaration of ‘I’ll just cook the best cake I can’ was an ironic one, considering he didn’t want to knock his bffl out of the competition.

You know Ben, you could have accidentally burnt your cake, curdled the cream, not finished in time, produce something that tasted like shit… whatever.

But no.  He produced the best cake he could, and for someone that ‘doesn’t do cakes’, he did exceptionally well; succeeding in knocking Princess Beanie out of the competition, and completely shattering her Masterchef dream.

Damn.  So much for bffl’s.

Oh well.  Princess Beanie will now have to endure her ‘dream job’ as an apprentice chef at a patisserie, until her dreams of world domination (a dessert bar in Adelaide) come true.

As for Ben, he will now switch gears and endeavour to win this competition, instead of stumbling along like a Mexican that’s had too much tequila.  After all, he owes it to Princess Beanie.  Or… that’s his excuse anyway.

Yeah.  Right. The armour’s starting to look a little tarnished now, my friend.

Maybe he’ll get to have his cake and eat it too now?  All in the name of Princess Beanie.  Well… at her expense, anyway.

The upside of all of this?  I won’t have to tolerate Princess Beanie’s high volume declarations of anything, her constant tears and her stupid fucken beanies.

Peace out *rushes off to buy some Sacher Torte online*