THE GOOD FOOD & WINE SHOW

So, I went to the Good Food & Wine Show this weekend in Melbourne.

I haven’t been before; possibly because I regard the exhibition as something that a ‘foodie’ would go to, if that makes sense. 

I don’t class myself as a foodie, because foodies are fucken snobs.  You’ve seen them on Masterchef; they taste something, and for the next twenty minutes, bang on about the flavour explosion in their mouth, and how they can taste this and that and blaa blaa blaa…   *rolls eyes*

Just say it tastes fucken awesome, and move on people.

Anyway, I had a few ticketing options, and ended up buying a ticket to see Manu Feildel in the Celebrity Chef Kitchen, which included my entry into the show.

I figured if I got there at about 10.30am, I could wander around for a little bit, have some lunch, stroll in to see Manu, and if I still felt energetic, I would buy a ticket to see George Columbaris at 2.30pm.

That was the plan.

I roll up to the Melbourne Convention & Exhibition Centre (Jeff’s Shed), and arse a car park right near the stairwell.  Awesome. 

I’m pretty chuffed with myself at this stage, because having been to various exhibitions before, I’d sussed out two things: what demonstrations were on and where, and if there was a ‘drop off’ facility in the exhibition.  Sometimes you buy heaps of shit, and can’t lug it all around.  Spoils the day for you.  This exhibition had a drop off area, so that was awesome.

I strolled along the concourse toward the entrance, carrying one of my handbags that straps across my body, not over one shoulder, so I have two free hands (to stuff my face and shove dumbarse people out of the way), and have a giggle to myself at the queues of people at the ATMs. 

Having encountered this problem before, I smashed a hole in the wall in Kilmore on my way down.  Fucked if I was waiting in a queue if I didn’t have to.  These people were clearly virgins to the expo thing.

So I walk through the entrance to the expo, and some dude in a Good Food & Wine Show t-shirt comes up to me and says ‘would you like a ticket to go and see George Columbaris?  He’s about to hit the stage at 11.00am.’

‘Sure.  How much is the ticket?’ I asked, groping around in my bag for my purse.

‘It’s free!’ he said, handing me the ticket.

‘How come it’s free?’ I asked, scanning the ticket for some ‘you’ve stolen this!’ booby trap.

‘It’s not a full session, so to promote the demonstrations, we’re giving away some of the seating.’ He explained.

‘Okay.  Sucks to be all of those people that paid for it.’ I smiled, and trotted off to the Celebrity Chef Kitchen area thinking BOOYAA!  Free shit!!!

So, I’m standing in the queue, waiting to be ushered into the theatre, facebooking my peeps, when the spanker behind me, whom I can only assume was a foodie, started up.

‘I don’t understand why we have to queue up.’ He complained.  Fucken whiney bitch, he was too.  ‘We’ve already purchased our tickets online.  We should be allowed to go straight in.’

The woman in front of me turned and glanced over her shoulder at him, and shot a quick look at me.  I smiled.  Yep love; he’s a spanker.

‘Well, it’s like the movies.’ His companion said.  ‘Even though we have tickets, we still have to queue up.’

‘Yeah, but the people that buy tickets online should get priority seating.  We bought our tickets first.’

‘We don’t know that…’ his companion said in a hushed tone, obviously hoping that would rub off on the spanker.

‘Well, it’s not good enough.’ He said huffily.  ‘I wonder if there is a helper here somewhere that I can speak to.’

‘I don’t think you should do that… we’ll be going in soon…’ his friend pleaded.

‘No; I want to go in now.  I shouldn’t have to wait with… all of these people.’ He spat.

That was it.  The lady in front of me turned around again.  ‘Have you looked at your ticket?’ she barked at him.

‘I… I’m sorry?’ he stammered, a little surprised at her tone.

‘Your ticket, dumbarse.  Have you looked at it?’

Spanker gasped.  ‘There’s no need to be rude!’

I turned around and looked at him.  ‘It’s reserved seating, champ.  Doesn’t matter if you bought the ticket online or ten minutes ago; it’s reserved seating.  Getting in first means nothing.’ I said, turning back to my phone.  Fucken idiot.

‘Oh.’ he said quietly, and the woman in front of me muttered ‘Dickhead…’ as she turned back around.  Hahhahaaa… foodie snob got snapped.

Half an hour later, I’m sitting in my seat (front row of the back section: great view of the stage) enduring what I can only call a ‘performance’ on stage by George and his mother, intersected by videos of memories and times in his life that inspired his ‘food journey’ (another wanky foodie term).

I’ve never been a big fan of Georgie.  I find him a little pretentious; though I think I’ve mistaken that for passion.  He is nothing but passionate about his food.

However, his mother Mary annoys the crap out of me.  It’s like she’s had her time in the spotlight, and is addicted to it.  She was loud, controlling, spoke over everyone and carried on a bit about how her recipes were in the Helenic Republic (one of George’s restaurants) cook book.

You would think she had performed a feat of metabolic gastronomy the way she was carrying on.  She made shortbread.  Shortbread.

So, she ventures out into the audience to hand some of it out for people to try.  As she comes over to me, she said that she had the last two pieces, and was just about to hand me the last one, when some fucken kid cut in front and literally snatched it out of her hand.

With the grace of a polished performer, Mary Columbaris looked at me and apologised, to which I shrugged and smiled, saying it was okay.  Wasn’t her fault the kid had no manners. 

I looked back over my shoulder to where the kid returned to her parents, who were looking a little embarrassed.  Hope you fucken choke on it you ill mannered cretin, I thought. 

A little while later, I was leaving the demonstration, and a Good Food & Wine Show chick handed me a voucher, explaining that it was a discount on the Maggie Beer show bag!

OMG! Maggie Beer has a show bag?  OMG OMG OMG!!!  I bet it had Verjuice and a paste in it! OMG!

So, calming myself down, I decided I would wander around the expo and take my time, trying food and drinks and enjoying the atmosphere of the place, and when I casually stumbled across the Maggie Beer stand, I would try very hard not to lose my tiny little mind.

I heart Maggie.

So, with my voucher in pocket, bag over shoulders, and memories of a shortbread that could have been, I head off into the throng to beat my way through the freebie vultures, and find me some Maggie.

Peace out.