PUDDING-CAKE

When is a cake not a cake?

When it’s a pudding-cake.

Apparently.

So, Julia is turning into the type of character that I find myself wanting to throw things at.  However, again; the $1500 plasma thing stops me from doing so.

Either she’s arrogant, just plain rude, or is seriously missing her husband, and needs a good root, because fuck me; she’s uptight.

Take a chill pill, love.  Relax.

Now, when you show me a cake like the one Julia made last night, I can see it’s clearly sunk in the middle.  George was right to question it, because that looked like a failure.  A failure which Julia tried to convince us all, was meant to be.

She was more snappy than a fucken Chihuahua, and about as useless as one too.  ‘It’s part cake and the middle is like a pudding.  It’s meant to be like that.’

You do realise, Julia, that these judges know their fucken cakes, right?

I’m no longer thinking that Julia is an arrogant, uptight prissy; she’s a fucken genius! Genius!  Why?  Because she has reinvented the wheel!

You see, I would have thought Julia a fool if the exact same thing hadn’t happened to me on the weekend.

You see, I made a ginger and pomegranate cake from CWA.  Came out of the oven; looked absolutely smashing!  Perfect!  However, when I poured the pomegranate syrup over the hot cake, it collapsed in the centre; just like Julia’s did.

The weight of the syrup collapsed the cake.

So, instead of being too embarrassed to take it to CWA (it’s presently in the freezer.  Yes; shock horror! But I can’t cater for an army and work four days a week), I’m going to dust if off, decorate it with pomegranate seeds, and stick a sign on it that says ‘Ginger and Pomegranate Pudding-Cake – as seen on Masterchef’.

Thank you Julia; thank you.  You’ve not only saved me, but every fucken cook out there that’s ever had a cake flop!  We can now tart it up as ‘pudding-cake’, because ‘it’s meant to be like that’!  It’s a winner! Just ask George, Gary and Matt.  Winner!

She would’ve been popular in the house if she’d won that challenge off the back of a flopped cake.  Sorry; pudding-cake.  Forgive me.  It’s meant to be like that.

Julia’s pudding-cake may not have got her across the line, but it did score her the coveted (not) title of ‘team captain’ for the team challenges.

As soon as the teams were sorted and standing there in the middle of a road, somewhere in suburban Sydney, I turned to Jade and said ‘I can tell you right now, that the yellow team will fail.’

‘Why?  They’re great cooks?’ she replied, naturally astonished at my amazing ability to predict the future.

‘Great cooks, but with strong personalities.  They’ll all clash, and it’ll turn into a debacle.  Mainly because the Chihuahua has sand in her panties from losing the last challenge with her pudding-cake.’

Sure enough; yellow team = fail.  Julia had no idea what she was doing, because who in their right mind would not have butterflied a piece of lamb and smoked it in a smoker! Omg! Particularly when a chef (the owner of the house) was there to help you! Fuck your stupid brown sugar pudding! Smoke the fucken lamb, you clowns!  Jebus!

Fail.  And deservedly so.  Fucken numpties.

As for the other teams: who puts a fucken crumbled corn flake with a lemon delicious pudding?  I make lemon delicious all the time, and I ain’t puttin’ no fucken cornflakes on it! 

And the blue team: Jules, Jules, Jules.  How can you not cook a lamb chop?  Seriously?  I have failed with butterflied lamb, but I have a microwave to fix that.  However, for someone that’s cooked lamb chops so much, and for a team that produced the best two dishes of the day (I so wanted that baked cheese!!), the blue lamb chops cost you the challenge. 

Stupid, basic mistakes that I do not expect from my Masterchefs.  Sure, we all have fails in the kitchen, but this day was littered with blue lamb, no pudding, unsmoked lamb, pudding-cakes and inappropriately placed corn flakes.

I hope the Gods of Masterchef are kind in tonight’s elimination, and send Julia back home to her husband for a servicing. 

Lord knows she needs it.

Pudding-cake peace out.