CAR CRASH

You would imagine that with a name that alludes to an accident, that you’re in store for an interesting life.

Shame your ‘reality show’ highlights the exact opposite.

When I first saw the previews for Being Lara Bingle, I assumed two things.  Firstly, Channel 10 must be getting desperate for ratings (clearly Masterchef is not enough), and secondly, Channel 10 must think we’re all fucken idiots to be interested in this crap.

When I got over the initial shock of seeing a promotional ad for BLB, I seriously wondered who would watch this shit.  Who fucken cares?

The world’s fascination with this halfwit with terrible hair is lost on me.  However, as the debut of this desperate attempt at attention-seeking drew closer, I found myself intrigued.  If nothing else, I would get good fodder for my blog.

I was right.

What a self-centred, ignorant dumbarse Lara Bingle (The Human Car Crash) is.  I bet, when her bffl and manager Hermione, came up with the concept of a reality show, she realised two things.  One, it would launch her career (by dragging her into the spotlight as well), and two; people may fall in love with ‘the real Lara’.

Fail on both counts, love.

No wonder Pup gave her the flick; she’s a fucken oxygen thief.  You would seriously get sick of not only having to talk to her, not only having to continually explaining everything to her, but trying to keep up with her constant need for reflective surfaces.  I seriously doubt she is capable of an intelligent conversation on any level.  It would be enough to drive you mental.  Pup did well lasting as long as he did, I think.

As I’m sitting through this half hour of torture (the things I do for a blog), all I wanted to do was attack her hair with a straightener or curling iron, to give it some fucken style.  Being the ontrapanoooor that you are, Lara, I thought you would at least make an effort with your hair.

Every opportunity you get, your gawking at yourself in some kind of reflective surface, and faffing around with your hair.  Darling, here’s a news flash: your hair is horrendous! Do something else with it!

All this show had done so far is highlight not only how stupid she is, but how selfish, rude and immature.

Firstly, what kind of numbnut doesn’t know that her licence has been suspended; for the third time?  The third time!  I mean, I can understand letting the registration slip (I’ve done that myself, as you know), but your licence?

‘Do I have a licence? I’m pretty sure I have a licence?  I have one, don’t I? I think I do?’

You’re fucken kidding me, right?  If this is the standard of Australian entrepreneur, this country is in serious trouble.

Then you bring the mother into the mix.  Last night (yes, I was one of the 782,000 viewers that tuned in for a second round of horror), Lara and her mother were trying to ‘communicate’, and all Lara does is walk away, or call one of her peeps about her car being impounded whilst part way through the conversation!  Either she has ADD (no disrespect to anyone that suffers this horrendous condition), or she’s just plain rude!  I’m tipping it’s the latter of the two.

There she is, attacking her mother saying ‘you should support your child in these situations…’, when her mother is trying to explain to the halfwit that most famous people have half a brain, and don’t stand in their open windows fully naked!  It’s not about support!  It’s about not being a fucken dumbarse!

Clearly this concept was lost on The Human Car Crash, because she’s just too busy staring at her reflection and calling people hands free on her smashed up iphone to understand what’s happening in the real world.

Then mummy dearest attacks her about her friend being fined for driving Lara’s unregistered car.  ‘I’m sure if you were in the spotlight all the time, you’d slip up too…’ was Lara’s moaning defence.

Yeah.  But you seem to slip up a lot…. And when you’re naked… and when you’re about to launch or promote something…. yeah…

Then, her mother declares that her little Human Car Crash can be ‘frustrating’ at times.  No shit.  I’ve wasted a total of forty-five minutes of my life on her, and I still want to slap her.  Hard.  Repeatedly. 

However, one needs to keep in mind that children are a product of their parents, so no sympathy for mummy dearest from me.

I seriously wonder how The Human Car Crash functions on a daily basis.  I’m totally stupefied by her stupidity.  Is that even possible?

Plus, for someone that is supposed to be so attractive (I’m at a loss on that one too, cos I think she’s extraordinarily plain), what the hell was she wearing?  She looked horrendous!  A friggin pilots hat and a puffy jacket from the 1980’s? Gaaa…..

And that awful hair!!! With all that entrepreneurial fortune you have, surely you could do something with it!  Someone tell her it’s terrible!  You look cheap and common.

Oh…hang on….

Then there’s the hunky brother (or so he’s been labelled).  I see a brother (flying along on someone’s coattails, like the bffl Hermione), but no hunk.  Apparently, he’s now quit his ‘real’ job, because he’s so confident of Being Lara’s Bingle’s success.

Maybe he should have waited a few weeks, because the ratings plummeted from 1.036 million views for the first ep, to 782,000 for last nights. 

Back to crane driving for you, Josh.

So, after all of this car drama, falling out with family, being kicked out of her mother’s house, upsetting her Nana, laughing over nude photos and having drama with her make up for fashion week, she’s declared to the world that she has a boyfriend.

That’s good darl.  We’d hate to think that you were lonely now Pup’s gone and got himself married.

Who is he? Or more importantly, what sport does he play?  Are we going to be teased for the rest of the season about this mystery man? Will he make an appearance, or is it just another link in the chain of publicity stunts?

*sigh*.  I’m bored already.

However, I think I will keep watching, simply because I need to be reminded of how ‘normal’ my life is, how complete and balanced it is, and how unselfish and realistic I am. 

And because I do need a reminder not to stand in my open window fully naked.  And that pilot hats are fashionable.  Apparently.

I find it ironic that, for someone that constantly complains about the media following her and being so totally invasive in her life, she’s resolving that with a reality show.

Well done Lara!! *thumbs up*

You have succeeded in confirming what the majority of the population believed: you’re a self-indulgent, spoilt, unrealistic little brat that’s desperately clinging to the fame you think you have.

Talent?  Where the bloody hell are ya?

Cudo’s to Pup: you dodged a bullet with this one, love.

Peace out.