MONA

So, Charlie, Jade and I are at Iris’s the other week for dinner.

I actually think it was the night that Charlie decided to get into the Movember thing.

Iris and I were discussing how revolted we were by mousties, and I said to Charlie that it would be the perfect contraception to keep you away from me (cos he’s only human and can’t keep his hands off me).

I don’t know what Charlie and I said, but Jade quietly says ‘Good, cos I’m sick of hearing you both.’

My heart literally stops beating.  ‘Fucken what?’ I say.

‘Sometimes I can hear you…’ she says causally.

‘Doing what?’ I ask.

*insert teenager sighing impatiently* ‘Together… in your room… special cuddles…’

‘What?’ I gasp.  ‘You can’t hear us! We’re quiet!’

‘Not always.’

‘Good one Mona,’ Charlie says with a smirk, shovelling roast potato into his fucken food hole.

‘Go fuck yourself!’ I say to him.  ‘You can’t hear us!  We’re quiet…’

‘He is.’ She points to her father.  ‘You’re not.’

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  ‘What! You cant’ possibly hear us!’ I cry in horror.  ‘You can’t!’

Jade just gives me a sideways look. 

‘What do you hear?’

‘What do you think?’ she asks sarcastically.

‘Lady noises?’ I ask shyly.  She laughs and nods, and Iris loses it.  Starts pissing herself laughing.  ‘Mum!  Don’t laugh!  This is serious!  I could have permanently damaged this child!  What a horrible thing to hear! OMG! She’ll need therapy!’

‘Do I ever…’ Jade mutters, eating her veggies, and turning back to the telly.

‘Do something!’ I smack Charlie on the arm.

‘What the fuck do you want me to do?  You’re the one making all the noise…’ he smirks.

‘I am fucken not!’ I cry in despair.  ‘You can’t really hear us… can you?’

‘Yeah.  It’s okay though.’ She smiles encouragingly.  ‘I just think here they go again! And plug in my headphones’

‘OMG!’ I smack Charlie on the arm again, and he rubs it complaining.  ‘She has to wear HEADPHONES!’

‘Calm down.’

‘I won’t calm down!  We’ve damaged her! OMG! I’m so embarrassed! She heard my lady noises!’ I wail.  ‘That’s your fault!’ I point at him.

‘How the fuck is it my fault?’

‘You make me make the lady noises! It’s your fault!’ I say.  ‘It his fault.’ I say to Jade, pointing at her father.

‘He not the one making the noises.’ She smiles, and Mum starts laughing again.

‘Mum! What the fuck?’ I ask in despair.

‘It’s okay Lee,’ Jade says, trying to stop me from totally losing my shit.  ‘Just shut your bedroom door.’

‘It is shut.’ Charlie and I say in unison.

‘Oh.’ she says quietly, and I drop my head in my hands.  OMG.  I’m so embarrassed.  Jade’s heard my lady noises.  That’s Charlie’s fault. It has to be.  Somehow, this is Charlie’s fault.

‘I can’t believe this…’ I mutter.  ‘I’m so embarrassed…’

‘So you should be.’ Charlie quips, and starts laughing when I look at him in horror.

‘Look at Grandma!’ Jade laughs, and I turn to see Iris crying with laughter.

‘Fine fucken support you are, Mum!’ I laugh.  ‘Jesus… I think I’m the one that needs therapy now… I’ve broken Jade… she’ll never function properly now… OMG…’

‘I think she’ll be fine.’ Charlie says.

‘What the fuck would you know?  She’ll possibly be so traumatised; she’ll become a lesbian in hoping that she doesn’t make those lady noises with a boy!’

‘Ooooh…. Lesbians….’ Charlie fantasizes.

‘No! Not appropriate! Daughter!!!’ I wail at him.

‘I wasn’t thinking of her, you idiot!’ he says to me.  ‘I was thinking of other lesbians…’

‘What the fuck have I married… seriously….’

For the next few days, all I could think about was Jade hearing me have special cuddles with her father.    OMG… how embarrassing…

A couple of nights later, Charlie gets a little amorous with me, and I’m like ‘we can’t do anything, Jade will hear us!’ and I slapped his hands away and crawled over to the far corner of the bed away from him.

‘No chance?’

‘NO!’ I cried in horror.

A few nights after that, Charlie and I were heading off to bed, and Jade was already in bed.  Charlie bangs on her bedroom wall as we walk past ‘time for some special cuddles, Mona!’

Both Jade and I scream in horror.  I had visions of Jade groping around (pardon the pun) for her headphones, nail gunning them to her head, and cranking the music up to about 20 decibels.  Poor kid.

I curled up in a foetal position in the far corner of the bed again.  ‘NO!’ I cried when Charlie touched me.

A few nights after that, when I think I’ve finally started to recover from my shock, Charlie cuddles up to me on the couch and starts kissing me.  Jade walks past the lounge and calls out ‘Get a room, Mona!’

AAAHHHHH!!!

Things will never be the same again.

Peace out.