THE SHIRE

The Shire.  Channel 10’s new ‘reality’ offering.

I have never seen a bigger pack of try-hard bogans in my entire life.

If this is the calibre of people that our country is producing, our future is fucked.

Set in a beachy suburb of Sydney, The Shire focuses on the lives of a collective group of twenty-something’s that seem to have more money that I would know what to do with, and what they do with their time.

Which is fuck all.

And I loved it.

The only difference between this and Jersey Shore (from what I understand) is that some of the characters in The Shire don’t know each other (yet), and they don’t live under the same roof.  Thank fuck.  They could actually breed.

Firstly, we’re introduced to a hottie called Mitch, who bears a striking resemblance to Andy from Masterchef.  In fact, I really think it is Andy.  I figure he must have bombed out in the Masterchef finals, so he’s trying his hand at a different ‘reality’.

How interesting is your life when you invite your ex to a party thrown by a rapper that you don’t even know, only to bump into another of your ex’s at the party, who clearly still has the hots for you.  And, when you’re just about to score with the old ex, your more recent ex (who you invited) turns up and spoils the moment.  Awkward! 

I’m starting to wonder if there’s something seriously wrong with young Mitch, because these two chicks are friggin look-a-likes.  They could be sisters.  Creepy much?

For a reality show that’s supposed to be unscripted, when I watch a scene where Mitch and his bffl’s slam down a couple of drinks before heading to this party, I can’t help but wonder how perfectly rehearsed it all seems.  This dude is too comfortable in front of the camera. 

However, I’m tipping that anyone that wants to be in a show like this has no talent for anything, and is desperately seeking some kind of fame and attention, so I shouldn’t be surprised by a ‘performance’.

Then, we meet the Paris Hilton wannabe of The Shire: Beckka.  I must admit that when I watched young Beckka strutting her junk through the Sydney International Lounge in her ridiculous silver stiletto’s, I thought: ‘she looks all right’. 

Until she removed her glasses.

She went from Paris Hilton to Tori Spelling in a heartbeat. 

Then she tells us she’s just returned from Dubai.  She had a lovely time shopping and hammering Daddy’s credit card to the tune of $15,000.00, buying everything from handbags to a nose job.

She clearly thinks she looks like a supermodel, but she seriously needs to go back to Dubai and ask for her fucken money back, cos that shit is fucked up.

And how were her poofy friends?  Groping her on the bed, criticising her lifestyle (possibly because they were jealous) and then telling the camera behind her back that she looked like a ‘pig’. Fucken nice.  With friends like that… though fake attracts fake, doesn’t it?

At least Mitch’s desperate ex Gabbi was a little more real and a lot more attractive.  Though, Beckka is blonde and has a pulse, so she could be a threat….

Then we meet my two favourites, by far.  The two ‘fans of fake’: Sophie and Vernessa.  Sophie the beautician and Vernessa the…. I dunno what the fuck she is. But I will tell you this: I’ve never seen anyone on the planet (except for Jocelyn Weindelstein) as fake as these two.

They make Lara Bingle look like an intellectual genius. 

I never knew this subculture existed.  Fans of fake.  People that love to look ‘fake’.  Unnatural.  Enhanced.  Not real.  Plastic.

All these two girls did was rant about their personal mantra on self-maintenance. By their own declaration, they have fake boobs, fake tan and fake lips, but they are real.  Yes people: they’re real.  They have the emotional depth of a flea, but they’re real.

Vernessa was horrified to find a grey hair, and resigned herself to the fact that she needed to start Botox treatment.  At 27.  There’s not a fucken wrinkle on her fake-tanned face, but she needs fucken Botox. 

Then, she starts complaining about her lips not being big enough, and the doctor won’t inject them with anymore whatever the fuck he injects them with, because her top lip is touching her nose.

When your lip is that puffed up it touches your nose, you need medical treatment, not enhancement, you fucken moronic fool.  You look like you’ve been punched in the mouth!  Repeatedly! 

If I was a guy, I’d be too frightened to kiss you, just in case your face exploded.  Not to mention that kissing you would be like kissing a bucket of slime with the amount of fucken lip gloss you’re wearing.  Fucken gross.

Charlie walks into the room at this stage, and stands there watching for a couple of minutes while these two oxygen thieves are prattling on about the deep complexities of an issue that has plagues society since the dawn of time: ‘brains versus beauty’. 

Great bodies…’ he says, before realising what he’s looking at.  ‘What the fuck happened to their faces?’

‘Botox.’  I explain.

‘Fuck me, they look like they’ve been sucking too many cocks.’

‘Charlie!’

‘Just callin’ it as I see it.’ he shrugged, and headed off to bed.

Called it pretty well, I think.

Sophie the beautician declares that it’s her mission to make everyone in The Shire beautiful and skinny.  A noble mission, I’m sure you’d agree.

Honey, if you’re anything to judge by, I’ll stay in Tooborac, thanks.  If you get your hands on me, I could end up looking like Beckka. 

What makes me laugh about The Shire is that these people are for real.  They actually believe in themselves and the lives they lead.  They are completely genuine in the way they present themselves, like it’s completely natural.

I seriously believe that someone at Channel 10 has been studying the evolution of society in The Shire for years, and were so alarmed at what they discovered, that they needed to present something to the masses to warn us what happens to people  that live in a bubble for too long, and end up in-breeding.

Either that or someone at Channel 10 is taking the piss.  Surely?

This show was such an eye opening shock to the system that only therapy, a fake tan or Botox will fix it.

And I loved it.

I’m totally hooked, and will be watching next week as more characters are introduced into this cesspool of wannabe’s.

Hopefully, we get some ‘commoner’ in there with a bit of spunk that ruffles their immaculately preened, plastic and expensive feathers, because so far, all I want to do is slap them all (though I fear I could burst Vernessa’s lips).

Peace out.