WEEK 9 SYL CHALLENGE: GO EASY ON YOURSELF

The Challenge: take time for some self-reflection and see if there is anything in your life where changing your expectations/standards/approach could change your life.  Is there something you can let go of (or approach differently) that does not currently serve you?

Mmmm…. How long have we got?

Hahhahaa… when I read this challenge, I thought ‘this one’s going to be interesting’.

I feel that the way we operate in life, is determined by the influences of others.  These influences create expectations, set standards and control how we approach various situations in life.

Of course, I’m a firm believer that no one makes us do anything.  That’s a cop out, and a cop out we all cling to (this is of course excluding acts of violence and abuse that are inescapable – no one has a choice there).  No, we do things through choice, whether good or bad.  At the end of the day, we are the ones in control of how we behave.

In saying that, I’m not necessarily talking about the way we behave toward other people.  I’m talking about the way we behave toward ourselves.  That’s what I think this challenge is about.

We are our harshest critics, and treat ourselves with such disrespect.  We punish ourselves vehemently, judge ourselves viciously, and often treat our bodies unkindly. 

All through the expectations created, standards set and the unfluence of others.

Would you say, point blank, to someone that they’re fat?  They need to lose a few kilos? Their hair looks terrible today? Their makeup is the wrong shade for their skin? The top their wearing is horrendous? Of course not.  Well… if you know them well enough, possibly, but generally, you’d shut your trap, and get the mental dialogue going.

However, you would be that brutal to yourself.  You would stand in front of the mirror, and pick the shit out of your hair, face, makeup, clothes and figure.  You would run yourself down into the ground, because you’re not meeting the standards and expectations that somewhere along the line, you have set for yourself.

Mmmm… somewhere along the line, I have taught myself that I’m not good enough.

Not good enough.  The most common psychological problem that society has today.  Not being good enough.

Compared to what?

Sure, you could blame the media for torturing us with ads featuring ‘perfect’ women, and telling us to go on this diet, and use that product, and we’ll be better if we wear these clothes and eat at this restaurant, and use this shampoo and wear these shoes.  Anything else is socially unacceptable.

We could blame fashion magazines, fashion designers, models that look like sticks, advertising that labels anyone normal a freak, fashion trends, degeneration of social behaviour, social media, school, work, parents, siblings and just about anyone else you can think of.

However, these are only influences.  Ideas.  Suggestions.  We choose whether to take them on board or not.

A perfect example is my relationship with the gym.

I love going to the gym.  No I don’t; I need to stop kidding myself. I hate it, but I acknowledge that I need to go, because that’s the only continual, structured and supported form of exercise I can get.  I need help, and they are the experts that can provide it.

Now, I’ll digress for just a moment.

I can relate to this challenge in the way that I need to change the way I look at things, and the way I behave.  I have blogged before about changing my behaviour towards Jade; that’s a perfect example of ‘letting go’ for me.  The choice to do this has had a profoundly positive impact on my life.  Yay for me!

However, this has a twofold effect.  You see, I have also watched the way Jade behaves, and I don’t like it.  She’s a teenager, and teenage girls are bitches; I get that.  They are harsh, judgemental, unkind and ungracious, and they don’t care.  Unless of course it’s happening to them; then it’s the end of the fucken world.

Anyway, this is my point: if she is that harsh toward other people, what is she thinking about herself?

I believe that we are all mirrors of each other.  When we look at one another, we see elements and aspects of ourselves.  Next time you look at someone and you immediately judge, ask yourself why? What’s the real reason for judgement?

Jade will start banging on about some girl at school that was ‘like a total bitch today… she said this and she said that…’ and I’m like ‘Stop.  I don’t want to hear this negativity.’  Jade is like ‘you don’t listen to me…’ and of course I feel terrible, because in a way, she’s right. 

However, I explain ‘I don’t want to hear your negativity.  You’re being harsh and unkind, and I’m sure you could have handled the situation differently.  I know you, and your attitude is as bad as this other chicks.  Don’t whinge to me about being treated poorly, when you do exactly the same thing to other people.  Treat others as you would treat yourself.’

Mmmm… Maybe she is?

We all take offence at being treated poorly, which we should.  However, how often are we treating other people, and particularly ourselves, in such a poor manner?

We speak negatively about ourselves, then all of a sudden, we’re thinking negatively about ourselves, then the patterns of disrespect start to flow, and everything goes pear shaped, becomes habitual, and years later we’re sitting there typing a blog, and wondering what the fuck went wrong?

Where did life derail?

Where did I let it derail?

So, I think that learning to go easier on myself, means that I have to try and get myself back on track.

So, when I sit at the gym (the place I lovingly call the torture chamber) and watch the other chicks work out, it’s hard to stay positive.  So, I try and turn it into a ‘self-assessment-of-my-own-behaviour’ session.

I will be flogging myself on some piece of equipment, looking at a young, skinny thing across the way, going hard and doing shit that I can only dream of, and I feel myself getting angry.  Why? She’s done nothing to me?  She’s young, fit and beautiful; what the fuck has she done to me?

Nothing.  She’s just young, fit and beautiful, and I’m not.  What I see in her, is but a reflection of an aspect of myself.  I’m angry at her, because I don’t see myself as young, fit and beautiful anymore.  I’m jealous that I’m not like her anymore. For whatever reasons, I’ve derailed myself, and have become this physical person that I don’t like.  It’s an aspect of myself that I hate.  She’s done nothing to me, and it’s not her fault.  It’s what I’ve done to myself that’s the problem.

Whatever influences have crossed my path in the past, they have lead me to the belief that my present ‘form’, for want of a better word, is not acceptable.  It’s not good enough.

Same applies when I see a large lady working out.  Instead of thinking ‘Jesus love; wtf?  If anyone needs a work out, you fucken do!’  I need to remember that I am exactly where that woman is, and she’s in here for the same reasons I am: to get her shit back on track. 

Instead of being harsh and judgemental, I need to inwardly applaud not only her efforts to force change, but mine too.

Again, with the mirror.  We are all but a reflection of aspects and elements of each other.

There have been many influences on my life in the past, which have helped shape me into the person I am now.  There are influences in my life now, which don’t necessarily impact me in a positive way.  Charlie and Jade are perfect examples of that.

They’re not bad people, please don’t get me wrong.  They are different to me, and their behaviour (like Jade with the nasty girl at school) influences me.

The common thread with the two of them is that they are very harsh and judgemental.  So much so, that I find it quite astonishing at times, and difficult to handle the constant negativity.

Of recent times, we’ve all had blow-ups about that very thing.  I’m on one side of the argument, declaring that they need to stop being so fucken negative all the time, and they’re on the other side asking ‘what’s the fucken problem?’

I can’t really change their behaviour; just the way it affects me. 

I can influence them, and encourage positive change, by helping them think about their behaviour, for sure.  However, do I then run the risk of influencing them into thinking that they’re not good enough?  Or, by the way they are behaving now, are they already there?

It’s a vicious circle, and one I cannot fully control.  Nor do I wish to try to, either.

No, I need to focus on myself, as the full challenge suggests.  Focus on making my own happiness, and learning to let go of other people’s negative influences that have encouraged me to treat myself so disrespectfully.

The challenge also suggests that we come up with our own little mantra that supports us and builds us up.  Mmmm… I AM GOOD ENOUGH sounds good to me.

I AM GOOD ENOUGH.

Peace out.