WEEK 10 SYL CHALLENGE: LET GO AND BE VULNERABLE

The Challenge: be honest with yourself and identify at least one thing you are afraid to do, to try, to say, etc and do it.  If it is a huge or long held fear, find a way to at least identify and take the first step forward.  How are you going to face that fear?

I think I’ve blogged this before, but I find it interesting how these weekly challenges seem to be heading in the direction that my life is taking at the moment.

Now, I don’t know whether it’s because the challenge is steering me that way, or if I have decided that’s how life’s going to roll.  Either way; it doesn’t matter.   These challenges are either just presenting themselves at a time when I’m ready to deal with them, or they’re simply signs that I’m heading in the right direction.

So, I’ve taken it upon myself this year to change my outlook toward a lot of things (this I have blogged about before), and try to create a more positive space around myself.  This challenge has been an amazing assistant throughout this process.

I’m tired of being stressed out and anxious over shit that’s nothing to do with me, or shit that really doesn’t matter.  I think I’ve been able to do this, because my head has been in the right ‘space’, or perhaps this challenge has given me the guidance and strength I’ve needed.

Again, either way; it doesn’t matter, because it seems to be working okay.

So… let go and be vulnerable.  Mmmm…

This is possibly, so far, one of the hardest things for me to address.  I think, in part, I have done it, but no where near as seriously as I need to.

You see, I am ready for a change in my life; a major one.  For a long time, I’ve had a dream to pursue a career in cooking.  No, I don’t want to be a friggin’ Masterchef.  I’m totes not interested in that at all.  No; I want something more… real.

I have a few ideas of what I’d like to achieve, and how I will be able to do it.  It will be a long process for me, but that’s okay.  Time is on my side.

However, like most other major changes in anyone’s life, there are obstacles in the way.  Some of those obstacles I have put there myself, and some of those obstacles are a necessity.

You see, what’s stopping me from pursuing my cooking career is simple; I’m stuck in another career. 

‘Stuck’ is the wrong word, I think.  ‘Stuck’ would imply two things: 1. that I’m trapped, and 2. that I hate what I’m doing.  I don’t hate what I’m doing, but I’ve tired of it.  I’m craving a change; a challenge.  Something completely different.

However, I do feel trapped.  Not by work itself, but the life that revolves around it.

Like most families out there, we’re financially dependant upon me working. We, like everyone else, has a mortgage, a child to put through school, food to put on the table and bills to pay.  It’s a basic understanding that we’ll have to work to obtain these things, and I’m cool with that.

The obstacle for me, though, is that I cannot afford to give up work to re-educate myself, and pursue my career.  I need the financial freedom that ‘no mortgage’ provides, to be able to pursue this.

Sure; I can change careers and take on a traineeship in the cooking industry.  That’s something that I’m considering as well, but what holds me back on this level, is fear.  Plain and simple.

What if I do this, and I hate it?  What if I throw away a perfectly good job to pursue something that turns out to be a disaster?  Can I afford to expose my family to that change?

Is this the kind of ‘vulnerable’ I want to be?

Taking a couple of steps back; I want to re-educate myself before I jump headlong into this career change.  Anyone can open a café or restaurant or food related business without the ‘formal’ education.  However, I don’t want to do that.  I want as much knowledge behind me as possible before I do, and that knowledge is something I’ve been gathering for a long, long time.

I will need to go back to TAFE or something like that, and undertake a course whilst I’m working part time.  That’s a reality, and one I can do when the mortgage and Jade’s education is no longer hanging over my head.

But… is this just an excuse?  Is it an intentional obstacle that’s just delaying my future, because I’m scared?  Or is it a reality that must be responsibly addressed?

My greatest fear with this dream is failure.  Natural fear, really.  No body wants to fail at anything.  No one sets out to; sometimes the best laid plans go awry. 

However, I don’t want to look back in ten years time and realise that I could have done something differently.  That I could have waited, researched more, educated myself better, planned better and set myself up more financially before I made this transition, so it has very little impact upon the family unit.

Though again, I wonder if this is just an obstacle I’ve placed before me, because I’m simply scared.

Maybe.

Or maybe it’s the ‘other’ thing that holds people back from pursuing things they want; guilt.

I would feel guilty if I subjected my family to this major upheaval, but I don’t understand why?  Why would I feel guilty? I would feel terrible if it failed and we lost a lot of money, sure, but why am I not permitted to pursue my dreams?

Is it because I’m not permitting myself to do it?  That I don’t think I’m good enough to succeed? (that old chestnut)  Mmmm…

It’s interesting when I think about that, because I look at Charlie as a perfect example of achieving your dreams.

He’s always wanted to own a lot of land and run cattle.  With my help, he’s been able to achieve this dream.  It’s now a reality that he’s living.  As I type this blog, he’s standing on the verandah, leaning against the railing, looking out at the back paddock at the cows.  He’ll be thinking ‘they’re my girls’.  I just know it.

Yet I sit in here, regretting some of the choices that have lead me to a point where I’ve chosen to sacrifice my dreams.  Where I’ve given up what I want, to enable someone else to achieve what they want.

Not that I think that’s a bad thing; to help someone else achieve their goals.  I am, in all reality, quite proud of that.  However, it doesn’t make my soul necessarily happy, and that’s what I need to focus on this year.

Making my soul happy.

This is why I find this particular challenge intriguing in its timeliness.  Let go and be vulnerable, and if you can’t, acknowledge the fear and take the first steps toward it.

So, to me, this means ‘make a plan’.  Set some goals.  Work toward something a little more concrete.

In four to five years time, I’m hoping that our mortgage will be paid off.  When this time comes, I will be in a position to re-assesses work, and perhaps cut back hours with a view to undertaking a part-time course in some kind of hospitality certification. 

Between now and then, I intend to educate myself as much as possible on the different areas of the food industry, including the varieties of cuisine, with a view to working out if I’m definitely heading in the right direction with my plans.

What I have in mind for myself in the future may change twenty times between now and when I actually finish my qualifications.  For all I know, I may pick something else up along the way that takes me in a completely different direction, and I need to be completely open to that.

I also need to think about how to deal with the members of my family, particularly Charlie, for his fear is also holding me back.

He knows that I’m not 100% happy, and that I have every intention of shifting gears when the mortgage is done and dusted, but he’s the kind of man that carries the attitude that ‘if it ain’t broken, don’t fix it.’  Life is bowling along quite nicely at the moment (thank the universe for that), so why change anything?

Happiness doesn’t even enter into the equation, and this is something that I’m also going to have to address.

Suddenly, the thought of ‘letting go and being vulnerable’ has become a hell of a lot more complex.

So, let’s go back to ‘career’.  When I look back over my working life, I can see the building blocks I’ve put in place for a future change.  Customer service, retail, administration and management in all aspects of the workplace, vast knowledge that sets me in good stead for one aspect of a new venture; one thing I can tick off the list.

Now, only time and well laid plans can see me toward the rest of it.

And patience. 

Let go and be vulnerable.  Just typing this blog is making me nervous, and believe me; I don’t get very worried with the blogs I usually write! 

Interesting… I suddenly feel very vulnerable.

Peace out.