When Jade first told us she wanted to move to Queensland,
the first thing that went through my head was ‘I’ve just wasted eight years of
my life waiting for my chance, and it was all for nothing.’
Eight years waiting for ‘my time’. I was devastated. Shattered.
You see, I’ve wanted to be a chef for many years now.
I actually really fell in love with cooking when Charlie,
Jade and I moved in together. Suddenly,
I was required to provide good quality, nutritious food for the family. I had to cook for a child, and I had no fucken
idea how really.
Like, it would be fair to say that my cooking skills at
that time were basic. Nothing flash
(still don’t do anything flash). Just
practical food, but I wanted to learn more.
So the Lifestyle Channel became my best friend. I would watch any cooking show of any kind;
anything to learn how to do this properly.
I devoured cook books and cooking magazines, and started a
massive collection of recipes. Anything
from savoury to baking, I did it.
And I loved it.
I decided, after a couple of years with Charlie, that I
wanted to take my life in a different direction; into the world of cooking.
I wanted to become a chef.
It’s funny how your life can de-rail though. When you set your eyes on a goal,
particularly a life changing goal, the universe can present many
obstacles. What defines us though, is
how we handle those obstacles.
Me: I don’t think I handled those obstacles so well. I think; I know that I shoved everything I wanted aside to accommodate
others. I failed myself, and right when
Jade announced her live-changing
decisions, I realised that I’d let
myself down.
Right when I was set to make the change, all those years
ago, I became sick. Everything just ran
off the rails for the next six months, and then I found myself in the middle of
a move from a residential block in the centre of Broadford, to one hundred and
ten acres in Tooborac (which I’m sure translates to bum-fuck-nowhere).
We were back in debt again, I was recovering from illness,
and my chance to re-educate myself and follow a cooking path was lost somehow.
In the following few years, life presented many challenges
to us (mainly through Jade), and suddenly, four years had passed, and I was no
closer to my dream.
And it started to eat me up inside.
Charlie and I discussed it, and he asked me to wait. Wait until the house was paid off, so I can
re-educate myself with no financial constraints.
Combined with the fact that Jade asked if she could go to
This was no ones fault by my own. I allowed it to happen. I cannot blame anyone else for this.
So, we made a massive financial commitment to Jade’s high
school education, and thus my dream was lost.
Again.
I seemed to spend years pushing my wishes aside to
accommodate everyone else, and all I received in return was stress and ill
health.
So when Jade said she wanted out, I realised two
things. One: that I’d wasted years
waiting for my turn, and two: that I
too must stand up for what I wanted in my life; to live my dream.
You see, it was a dream for Jade to go and live with her
mother. Something she’d wanted to do for
many years, and I fully understand that.
Thankfully, we were in a position where we trusted her, and although
unhappy about it, let her go. If this is
the dream she wanted to follow, who were we to stop her?
So why couldn’t I do the same thing? Why couldn’t I follow my dream?
For six months, it chewed me up inside. Why can’t I have my turn? Why can’t I follow
my dream? Why does everyone else in this
house get the chance, but me? Why am I
the one that misses out? Why I’m I feeling so sorry for myself?
As the first half of last year dragged on, I found myself
getting more and more depressed. I was
so unhappy. I was sliding back into a
dark place that I didn’t want to go, all because I was feeling left out and
sorry for myself.
So many things were piling on top of me. The stress of Jade leaving, the impact on
Charlie, work, dreams, friends, guilt for feeling selfish… and I was getting to
breaking point.
Then one day I realised what the problem was. Like a fucken epiphany! A bolt out of the
blue!
I was angry.
I was resentful that I was being made wait for my dream,
whilst everyone around me, including Charlie, was living theirs.
Charlie’s always wanted acreage and cattle, and he had it. He was living his dreams, and he said so on many occasions. It was like salt into the wound, not that he would’ve had a clue.
Now Jade was living hers, which was awesome, but I was
miserable.
So I made the decision.
I was going to do it. I was going
to take a punt and change my life. Fuck
waiting until the house was paid off! At
the rate I was going with my fucken health, I’d be dead before then!
The one thing that cancer taught me, was that life is too
short to live with regrets. You can’t
afford to wait. Grab life by the balls,
and give it a good squeeze J
So I sat down with Charlie-Albert, told him I wasn’t
waiting and I was going to look into it further. I’ve given up a lot for him; I’ve supported his
dreams, raised his child and supported her dreams too. It’s my turn now. Deal with it.
A month later, I was sitting in the office of a career
advisor at Go Tafe in Shepparton, asking her to help me map out what I had to
do to get into a chef’s uniform.
And it’s funny.
Here I was, expecting to be dealing with some inflexible, militant
organisation that simply hammered standards and rules down my throat.
Instead, I got a young woman who wanted nothing more than
to help me ‘live my dream’. I will never
forget her exact words: ‘I want to help you realise your dream. We can do this, Lee. We will
get you there.’
I nearly fucken cried when she said it; I couldn’t believe
it. As silly as it sounds, it felt like
the first time that someone actually gave a shit. No more pushing my wishes aside; it was time
to roll.
It’s funny what you give up to make others happy. How much of yourself you sacrifice, and I
tell you this; I wouldn’t change any of it, because if I did, I wouldn’t
appreciate what I have now.
What’s that saying: what doesn’t kill you, makes you
stronger?
I played my cards with this career move very close to my
chest, because I didn’t want to be flippant about it, and I didn’t want to get
anyone’s hopes up (including mine), only to have it fall apart for some stupid
reason.
Not that I was going to willingly let that happen this
time. No; this time, the universe was
going to roll my way.
Six months later, I find myself looking at a letter from
Go Tafe in Seymour
I’m in.
It’s happening.
And I’m shit scared!
Someone once said to me that it’s no good setting goals
for yourself if they don’t scare you just a little bit. They must be realistic, achievable and scary.
This new direction in my life fills the brief perfectly. J
The hardest thing for me though, apart from Jade leaving,
and the things that’s possibly bought me down the most this year, is work.
I’ve been with the company I’m working for, for thirteen
years. Thirteen years, and I’ve seen and
done just about everything at that place.
I can go no higher, and I can meet no more challenges there. It’s time.
Not that it’s a bad place to work; quite the
opposite. The boys are great to work
for, but I need something…more.
It’s like the fucken planets are aligning or something,
because things are starting to fall into place for me.
Jade not being here enables me the freedom to change hours
of work to suit school, because I don’t have to worry about getting her to a
bus stop every morning. I have the
freedom to come and go as I please, which will flow around school beautifully.
Financially, I’m ready.
I hope. I still need to work
whilst studying, and will need to find something else upon finishing my course,
but I’m ready.
Mentally; I’m ready for the change. It’s time to do something that I think will
make me happy.
Time for me to start living my dream.
Time for other people around me to start supporting what I want to do with my life, and start taking a back seat, as I have done for so many
years.
As selfish as it sounds, it’s time to find my happy.
Wish me luck.
Peace out.
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