EMPTY

I stand in the doorway of what was her room, and it looks so different now.

For one, it’s clean.  I can actually see the carpet, and the bed is neatly made. 

However, it’s devoid of personality.  Devoid of life. 

Empty.

I’ve vacuumed, dusted, remade the bed with fresh linen, de-cobwebbed and polished the mirrors. 

I’ve opened the windows and the blinds, and light fills this pretty, but empty room.

There are no books, cd’s, hair straightener, bits of make up or clothes all over the floor.

There is no music playing, no phone’s buzzing, notifying of a text.  No stuffed toys discarded; no mismatched shoes.

I close my eyes, and I can see her; hear her. 

I can see her sitting on the bed, Milo the stupid cat curled up at her feet, reading whatever novel is the latest in the hundred and something novels that she chews through a year.

I can smell her; the familiar smell of Hello Kitty Strawberries and Cream body spray, and milk and honey conditioner. 

I can hear Taylor, Britney, Christina, Rihanna, or whatever the fuck she’s into at the moment, quietly playing from her phone in its Dolly docking station.

But when I open my eyes, the room is just empty.

The mess is gone.  The clothes are gone.  The books are gone. 

Everything is gone.

There will be no more sleepovers in this room.  No more panicked mornings getting ready for school; looking for that missing shoe.  No more opening the door and flicking on the light to wake her up, so she can get ready for school.

There’ll be no getting ready to go out to parties or family functions any more.  No getting ready for formals or graduation…

No new hairstyles created, make up tested and fashion trends followed. 

No more secret phone calls with friends.  No more eating those chocolate that’ve been stashed away.

No more doors slammed because we want to be left alone.  No more having to knock before entering, because we respect her privacy. 

I sit on the edge of the bed, and as tears spill down my face, I wonder what she’s doing now.

Is her new room a mess?  Are there books, cd’s, clothes, magazines and makeup everywhere?

Has she gone shopping with her Christmas money yet and bought fifty billion more pieces of clothing that she doesn’t need?  Are they scattered around her everywhere?

I wanted to go shopping with her.  I liked going shopping with her, because I liked to see the joy on her face as she found something pretty and new to wear.

Is the pretty floral cushion I bought her from the Nagambie Market, the one she cuddled up to at night, on her bed?  Or is it discarded in a corner somewhere cos it contains memories she doesn’t want to acknowledge?

Is her blankie on the bed with her?  Little blue blankie with a teddy bear head, and satin trimming that she carried everywhere (even at fifteen). 

I look around the bare walls, and wonder if I can put some pictures or fairy lights up to make it pretty for when she comes to visit.

Maybe some nice bedside tables and lamps?  She didn’t want any of that when she was living here… maybe she would now?

Her polar fleece blanket with a picture of a horse on it is clean and hanging over the foot of the bed.  She forgot to take it with her.  I have to post it up.

I sit there for the longest time; listening to the quiet.  Listening to the memories that the silence provides.

Milo strolls into the room, and just sits in the centre of the floor.  He looks around the room, looks up at me and meows.  Where is she? He’s wondering.  Where has the mama gone?

‘Sorry mate.  She’s left us.’ I whisper, and he just meows back at me. 

I wonder how long before she fades from his memory?  Will she fade at all?

With a heavy sigh, I get up and follow Milo from the room, gently closing the door behind me.  I can’t bear to look in there and see the emptiness.  It’s so…so… strange.

So empty.

Then I push the door open again, because I like to see the room clean and fresh.  I like to see it filled with light, and sparkles reflecting and scattering from the little crystals hanging from her light shade.

Yes.  Some pictures.  Some tables and lamps.  This will give it a little life again.

A chance to start again.