Firstly, I would like to thank my friend Jane
for the title of this blog.
Though, her opinion of the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy is shared with another friend of mine,
Marika. She got 250 pages into the book, and gave up. Bored her shitless.
Not wanting to be left out of the ‘mummy porn’
rage of 2012, and being keen to fire myself up and sexually maul my husband, I
downloaded the trilogy onto my trusty kobo, with the intention of doing some
‘research’. *rolls eyes*
At this point, I am ever thankful for my Kobo. Plain, black little e-reader that gives you
complete portability, but also complete privacy. No one can see what I’m reading.
I could imagine myself sitting in a café, 50 Shades paperback in one hand, the
cover of which is on full display to the world, with a chai latte in my other
hand, frozen between the table top and my mouth, as I sit there, mouth agape,
engrossed in some raunchy, overly descriptive, kinky sex-act.
The people walking past would be like ‘check out
the fat old tart reading porn.’
Yep.
Thank heavens for my Kobo, and my preserved modesty.
Though, EL James, the author of the porn
trilogy, said that she designed the covers unlike any other ‘romance’ novel
(which is usually plastered with a half naked man, with a semi naked, desperate
looking woman draped all over him) to maintain the readers privacy.
Brilliant idea, because the cover gives no
indication of its contents . Shame the
entire fucking planet now knows what 50
Shades is about.
So; 50 Shades
of Grey, 50 Shades Darker, and 50 Shades Freed. Mmm… for those of you who haven’t read this
series, I’ll tell you a little about it, but I won’t spoil it for you.
Mind you, I’ve only half way through Darker at the moment, so I haven’t read
the whole series myself yet.
So, 50
Shades is the story of young Anastasia Steel, who is a 21 year old virgin
that lives in Seattle
Imagine that.
A collage graduate that’s 1. a virgin, and 2. so stunning she doesn’t
even know it.
Remember; this is a fantasy book… *rolls eyes*
So, Ana meets Mr Christian Grey, who is a billionaire
Adonis who likes to get up to all sorts of kinky fuckery.
So, we’ve a billionaire spunk that falls for a
virgin stunner. Yep. Reality at its
best.
So, the books are basically about their
relationship. That’s it. Their relationship, and how fucked up (pardon
the pun) it is.
My friend Jane read the book and wanted to
report Christian for domestic violence, and slap some sense into Ana, cos she’s
so fucken stupid.
My friend Marika just got bored with it all.
Me: I love
it.
Pushing all the smut aside, I’m fascinated by
their weird relationship, and am interested to see where the hell this is
going. The books do continue on from one
another, so you need to read the entire lot to get the full story. It’s not like Harry Potter (how’s that for a
contradiction), which has a happy ending (again, pardon the pun) in each book.
But I tell you this: after reading one and a
half books, I’ve learnt quite a few things.
Firstly, I’ve learnt that my relationship is relatively normal, if not fucken boring. Apparently, Charlie and I have ‘vanilla sex’. Yep. Vanilla sex.
What is this you ask? Let me tell you. Is plain boring old sex without toys and whips
and chains and blindfolds and kinky shit.
Yep. Vanilla. My favourite flavour.
I’ve also learnt that it’s apparently a turn on
to get spanked, tied up and fucked in all sorts of ways, and in all sorts of
places, by an obsessive control freak nymphomaniac.
Can men be nympho’s?
I also fear if I ever go to one of my friends
horse shows, that I’ll never be able to take them or a riding crop seriously
again. Ever. In fact, I don’t think I can even look at one
without blushing, let alone touch one.
Speaking of blush, if this fool Ana blushes
anymore, I think I’ll slap her. Yep, she’s a fictional character that I want
to slap. Go figure. She’d probably enjoy it though, and her
nympho boyfriend would possibly get off on that exchange as well, the sick fuck.
Says a lot about the quality of writing if I
want to hurt the characters…
I’ve learnt that billionaires can play the piano
like a concert pianist, fly a helicopter, a glider, drives a massive boat, can
stalk really well, and live in multi-level apartments with ‘play rooms’.
I’ve learnt that 21 year old stunning virgins
stumble through life saying ‘oh my’ a lot, and incessantly blushing. *rolls
eyes*
This series is nothing if not entertaining. And eye opening. And educational.
Fuck my life is boring.
Next time I find myself in Sexyland (?), I will
certainly be looking at that joint through very different eyes.
I can’t believe that there are actually people
out there that are into this S&M shit.
I don’t get it, but hey… whatever rocks your boat.
Or cracks your whip *rolls eyes*
I wonder how I can get Charlie to read the
books…. Mmm…
If you’ve nothing better to do with your time,
instead of sitting in judgement of losers like me with vanilla sex lives, get
into 50 Shades of Grey.
You just may learn something.
Peace *cracks whip* out.
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