THIS IS WHY WE GO SO EARLY...

I’ve always run with the philosophy that I’d rather be an hour early, than a minute late.

One such theory was applied to my role of taking Jade to the airport for her return trip home.

Twice in two days I found myself making the trek down to fucken Melbourne, and I can be sure there wouldn’t be a fuck up that lead to a third time.

6am we left Tooborac.  Not even the fucken sparrows were up at that time.  6 fucken am.

Jade slept most of the way down there (great company for me), because clearly getting up at that hour was fucken ridiculous. At least she didn’t have to drive.

7am on the knocker I pulled the car into a space at the airport.  Right next to the lifts, too.  Booyaaa!!!

‘Lee, we’re like two hours early…’ Jade yawned.

‘So fucken what.’ I said, near busting a foofa-valve trying to get her fucken ginormous suitcase out the boot of my car.  I honestly don’t even know how it fit in there in the first place…  ‘We still have to get through the check in, then we can go and have some fucken breakfast in the main terminals.’

‘Yay!  Can I have hotcakes?’ she clapped her hands excitedly. 

‘You can have shit on toast for all I care.  I just want to get you checked in.’ I said, dragging her case behind me.  ‘I’ll tell you something: this case better not be overweight, or I’ll lose my fucken shit.’

‘It won’t be.’ She smiled confidently.

Last. Famous. Words.

I’m destined to be fucked over by my wonderful’ father and daughter’ tag-team.  *sigh

So, into the terminal we stroll, and in complete contrast to the day before, there are fucken people everywhere!  A Tiger Customer Service chick, who looks like she was set to punch someone, pointed at the check in kiosk things, and told us to check in there.  Why the fuck we had to do that is beyond me… whatever….

So, we queue up at the kiosks, only to be told by the impersonal computer screen that we’re too early to check in.  We have to wait until 7.10am.

For fucks sake.

So we stand aside for like a minute, let someone else go through, and finally check in.

‘This thing says you have a 15kg bag limit.’ I say sceptically to Jade.  ‘15kgs….’

‘Yesterday it said I had a 20kg limit…’

‘Bullshit.  The information was transferred to this new ticket.  You only had fucken 15kgs yesterday.’

‘No… I swear…’

I sigh loudly, somewhat over this shit already.  ‘Let’s go check the bag in, and go get some fucken breakfast.  But I’ll warn you; if this bag is over, I’m gonna lost my shit.’

20.8 kgs. 

You’ve got to be fucken kidding me.

‘How much fucken shit do you have in there?’

‘I swear Lee, it was 20kgs yesterday on the ticket.’

‘Lets go sort this shit out.’  We head back to the first Tiger chick, explain the situation, and after looking somewhat confused for a moment or two, she tells us to queue in the bag check in and they’ll sort it out.

Thanks Polly Farmer.  Nice handball.

‘No, your ticket only has a 15kg allowance.’ The very friendly check in chicks says.  ‘The option of $17.50 for 15kgs was selected when the flight was booked.’ She explained. 

Fucken Charlie! Fucking me and he’s not even here!!!

‘If you put your carry-on bag and hand bag on the scales, maybe we can move some of the stuff from your suitcase into your carry on.’

Oh now we’re fucked.  Jade’s carry- on is heavier than her suitcase.  Jade looks at me hopelessly as she puts the bags on the scales.

‘You have a 10kg carry on allowance, and you’ve got 14.2.’  she explained.  ‘So you’re about 9kgs over in total.  I would suggest that you empty out your baggage, because excess is quite expensive.’

‘How expensive?’ I ask, thinking if it’s only like fifty bucks, I’ll pay for it and move on.

The Tiger chick taps away at her computer, and her face falls.  ‘Two hundred and fifty dollars.’ She said flatly.  ‘My, that’s quite expensive…’

I turn to Jade. ‘I want to kill you.’ I said simply. 

Jade looked at me in horror.  ‘What do we do?’ she asked

‘I don’t have two hundred and fifty dollars to spare, and even if I did, I would not be spending it on your fucken luggage.’ I turned back to the check in babe.  ‘How long do we have before the check in closes?’

‘Well, as it happens, your flight has been delayed fifty minutes.’

‘Fucken wonderful!’ I say sarcastically.

‘If you’re back here and checked in by 9am, you’ll be fine.’

It was 7.30am. 

‘Excellent.’ I smiled, turning to Jade.  ‘We’re lugging this shit back to the car, unloading the half a tonne of crap you have packed in there, and coming back.  Do you understand?’

‘Ok.’

‘You will be ruthless with what you take out of your bags.  Fucken ruthless, do you understand?’

‘Yes.’

‘THIS is why we come so early.' I reiterated.  Fucken.  I turn back to the check in chick, who is trying not to laugh.  ‘What do we have to do now?’

‘I’ll reserve a seat for you… you’re a tall girl, so how about the first row, near the door, where you’ll have more leg room?’ now I know from booking flights in the past, that this was an upgrade.  You have to pay extra for more fucken leg room.  Sure, about $10 extra, but she was sympathetic to our situation, and being nice.

‘That would be wonderful, thank you.  We really appreciate that.’

Five minutes later, we were dragging 30 kilos of crap back up the hill (yes, a fucken hill) to the car park.

I decide, for my own amusement, to ring Charlie on the way.  ‘When you booked the flight love, you selected 15kg baggage limit.  Did you know that?’

‘Nup.’

‘Well, Jade has like fucken 30 kilos, and it’s going to cost an additional $250.’

‘Fucken what?’ I could hear his tight-arse snap shut.

‘But it’s okay.  We’re not on the way back to the car to unload half her fucken crap, cos I’m not paying $250.  You can get fucked on that one!’

‘Fair enough…’

‘You’re never booking flights again, and we’re never travelling fucken Tiger again.’

‘You said that yesterday.’

‘I’m just fucken reinforcing it.’

After I hung up from Charlie, Jade said ‘you should have said you paid the $250.  He would have given you the money, and you could have gone shopping!’

‘Damn! Good call! Fail on my part tho.’ I agreed.  Damn.

So, we finally get back to the car.  Now, the Gods must have been smiling on me, because I scored a space right next to the lift.  They must have known…

‘Open your case, and start dumping shit, champ.’ I say, flinging open the boot. 

Shoes, hair brushes, fucken bottles of water (bottles of fucken water!!), make up, toiletries, clothes, books (as thick as fucken bricks) came out of the case and carry on.

‘Why the fuck have you got school text books with you?’

‘I planned on doing some homework whilst I was here…’

‘Fucken bullshit.  Who the fuck are you kidding?  You’re set to do as much homework in your holidays as I am to take trips to the fucken moon.  Don’t bring that shit next time.’

Fucken knucklehead.

Five minutes later, we’re on the way back to the terminal, with physically lighter bags.  ‘You better fucken pray these bags are under, or shits gonna get real.’

‘It’s already fucken real.’

‘Damn straight, knucklehead.’

’14.2 kgs.’ Smiled a different check-in chick.  ‘Here’s your boarding pass.  Please don’t leave the terminal, just in case there are announcements regarding your flight.’

‘Is the plane coming from Brisbane?’

‘Yes.’

‘Is it in the air?’

‘Yes.’

‘Then it ain’t gonna get here any quicker, is it?’

‘No.’ she smiled.

Ten minutes later, we’re stuffing out pie holes with hot cakes, muffins and hash browns.

An hour and a half later, she was in the air, and I was on my way to Werribee.

At no stage during any of this shit, was Tiger Airlines at fault. 

WE were late (or more accurately, Charlie was fucken late).

WE had excess baggage (or more accurately, fucken Jade had excess CRAP!  Text books for fucks sake? WTF was she thinking?)

Tiger just tolerated us like all the other fucken disorganised, ignorant idiots that rock up late or with too much shit in their luggage.  Don’t envy their job AT ALL.

Fuck this shit.

Peace out.