THIS IS WHY WE GO SO EARLY...

I’ve always run with the philosophy that I’d rather be an hour early, than a minute late.

One such theory was applied to my role of taking Jade to the airport for her return trip home.

Twice in two days I found myself making the trek down to fucken Melbourne, and I can be sure there wouldn’t be a fuck up that lead to a third time.

6am we left Tooborac.  Not even the fucken sparrows were up at that time.  6 fucken am.

Jade slept most of the way down there (great company for me), because clearly getting up at that hour was fucken ridiculous. At least she didn’t have to drive.

7am on the knocker I pulled the car into a space at the airport.  Right next to the lifts, too.  Booyaaa!!!

‘Lee, we’re like two hours early…’ Jade yawned.

‘So fucken what.’ I said, near busting a foofa-valve trying to get her fucken ginormous suitcase out the boot of my car.  I honestly don’t even know how it fit in there in the first place…  ‘We still have to get through the check in, then we can go and have some fucken breakfast in the main terminals.’

‘Yay!  Can I have hotcakes?’ she clapped her hands excitedly. 

‘You can have shit on toast for all I care.  I just want to get you checked in.’ I said, dragging her case behind me.  ‘I’ll tell you something: this case better not be overweight, or I’ll lose my fucken shit.’

‘It won’t be.’ She smiled confidently.

Last. Famous. Words.

I’m destined to be fucked over by my wonderful’ father and daughter’ tag-team.  *sigh

So, into the terminal we stroll, and in complete contrast to the day before, there are fucken people everywhere!  A Tiger Customer Service chick, who looks like she was set to punch someone, pointed at the check in kiosk things, and told us to check in there.  Why the fuck we had to do that is beyond me… whatever….

So, we queue up at the kiosks, only to be told by the impersonal computer screen that we’re too early to check in.  We have to wait until 7.10am.

For fucks sake.

So we stand aside for like a minute, let someone else go through, and finally check in.

‘This thing says you have a 15kg bag limit.’ I say sceptically to Jade.  ‘15kgs….’

‘Yesterday it said I had a 20kg limit…’

‘Bullshit.  The information was transferred to this new ticket.  You only had fucken 15kgs yesterday.’

‘No… I swear…’

I sigh loudly, somewhat over this shit already.  ‘Let’s go check the bag in, and go get some fucken breakfast.  But I’ll warn you; if this bag is over, I’m gonna lost my shit.’

20.8 kgs. 

You’ve got to be fucken kidding me.

‘How much fucken shit do you have in there?’

‘I swear Lee, it was 20kgs yesterday on the ticket.’

‘Lets go sort this shit out.’  We head back to the first Tiger chick, explain the situation, and after looking somewhat confused for a moment or two, she tells us to queue in the bag check in and they’ll sort it out.

Thanks Polly Farmer.  Nice handball.

‘No, your ticket only has a 15kg allowance.’ The very friendly check in chicks says.  ‘The option of $17.50 for 15kgs was selected when the flight was booked.’ She explained. 

Fucken Charlie! Fucking me and he’s not even here!!!

‘If you put your carry-on bag and hand bag on the scales, maybe we can move some of the stuff from your suitcase into your carry on.’

Oh now we’re fucked.  Jade’s carry- on is heavier than her suitcase.  Jade looks at me hopelessly as she puts the bags on the scales.

‘You have a 10kg carry on allowance, and you’ve got 14.2.’  she explained.  ‘So you’re about 9kgs over in total.  I would suggest that you empty out your baggage, because excess is quite expensive.’

‘How expensive?’ I ask, thinking if it’s only like fifty bucks, I’ll pay for it and move on.

The Tiger chick taps away at her computer, and her face falls.  ‘Two hundred and fifty dollars.’ She said flatly.  ‘My, that’s quite expensive…’

I turn to Jade. ‘I want to kill you.’ I said simply. 

Jade looked at me in horror.  ‘What do we do?’ she asked

‘I don’t have two hundred and fifty dollars to spare, and even if I did, I would not be spending it on your fucken luggage.’ I turned back to the check in babe.  ‘How long do we have before the check in closes?’

‘Well, as it happens, your flight has been delayed fifty minutes.’

‘Fucken wonderful!’ I say sarcastically.

‘If you’re back here and checked in by 9am, you’ll be fine.’

It was 7.30am. 

‘Excellent.’ I smiled, turning to Jade.  ‘We’re lugging this shit back to the car, unloading the half a tonne of crap you have packed in there, and coming back.  Do you understand?’

‘Ok.’

‘You will be ruthless with what you take out of your bags.  Fucken ruthless, do you understand?’

‘Yes.’

‘THIS is why we come so early.' I reiterated.  Fucken.  I turn back to the check in chick, who is trying not to laugh.  ‘What do we have to do now?’

‘I’ll reserve a seat for you… you’re a tall girl, so how about the first row, near the door, where you’ll have more leg room?’ now I know from booking flights in the past, that this was an upgrade.  You have to pay extra for more fucken leg room.  Sure, about $10 extra, but she was sympathetic to our situation, and being nice.

‘That would be wonderful, thank you.  We really appreciate that.’

Five minutes later, we were dragging 30 kilos of crap back up the hill (yes, a fucken hill) to the car park.

I decide, for my own amusement, to ring Charlie on the way.  ‘When you booked the flight love, you selected 15kg baggage limit.  Did you know that?’

‘Nup.’

‘Well, Jade has like fucken 30 kilos, and it’s going to cost an additional $250.’

‘Fucken what?’ I could hear his tight-arse snap shut.

‘But it’s okay.  We’re not on the way back to the car to unload half her fucken crap, cos I’m not paying $250.  You can get fucked on that one!’

‘Fair enough…’

‘You’re never booking flights again, and we’re never travelling fucken Tiger again.’

‘You said that yesterday.’

‘I’m just fucken reinforcing it.’

After I hung up from Charlie, Jade said ‘you should have said you paid the $250.  He would have given you the money, and you could have gone shopping!’

‘Damn! Good call! Fail on my part tho.’ I agreed.  Damn.

So, we finally get back to the car.  Now, the Gods must have been smiling on me, because I scored a space right next to the lift.  They must have known…

‘Open your case, and start dumping shit, champ.’ I say, flinging open the boot. 

Shoes, hair brushes, fucken bottles of water (bottles of fucken water!!), make up, toiletries, clothes, books (as thick as fucken bricks) came out of the case and carry on.

‘Why the fuck have you got school text books with you?’

‘I planned on doing some homework whilst I was here…’

‘Fucken bullshit.  Who the fuck are you kidding?  You’re set to do as much homework in your holidays as I am to take trips to the fucken moon.  Don’t bring that shit next time.’

Fucken knucklehead.

Five minutes later, we’re on the way back to the terminal, with physically lighter bags.  ‘You better fucken pray these bags are under, or shits gonna get real.’

‘It’s already fucken real.’

‘Damn straight, knucklehead.’

’14.2 kgs.’ Smiled a different check-in chick.  ‘Here’s your boarding pass.  Please don’t leave the terminal, just in case there are announcements regarding your flight.’

‘Is the plane coming from Brisbane?’

‘Yes.’

‘Is it in the air?’

‘Yes.’

‘Then it ain’t gonna get here any quicker, is it?’

‘No.’ she smiled.

Ten minutes later, we’re stuffing out pie holes with hot cakes, muffins and hash browns.

An hour and a half later, she was in the air, and I was on my way to Werribee.

At no stage during any of this shit, was Tiger Airlines at fault. 

WE were late (or more accurately, Charlie was fucken late).

WE had excess baggage (or more accurately, fucken Jade had excess CRAP!  Text books for fucks sake? WTF was she thinking?)

Tiger just tolerated us like all the other fucken disorganised, ignorant idiots that rock up late or with too much shit in their luggage.  Don’t envy their job AT ALL.

Fuck this shit.

Peace out.

NEVER LEAVE ANYTHING UP TO A MAN (PART 2)

So, Charlie, Jade and I enjoyed a wonderful ten days or so together during her visit to Victoria.  All sorts of fun, frivolities and good times ensued.

Jade came to the pub a couple of times with me when I worked. She likes coming to work with me.  Not because she enjoys my company, or is so proud of me and loves to watch me work.  No.  It’s because she gets fed and can chat to her friends that work there.  Fucker. 

We did girly things together (shopping and movies), dinner with Char and our families, and she spent quality time with her friends and other relatives as well, which she loves.

All in all, a good holiday. J

Spoilt somewhat by the pending deadline of her departure.

As the time drew nearer for her to return to Queensland, the sadder she became.  I think it’s fair to say that she regrets her decision to leave Melbourne and live with her mother, but that’s a story (and a long one) for another day.

So, on the morning of her departure, I had to go into work for an hour or so to sort some shit out.  It was coming up to Easter, we had shit loads to organise, and of course, Mother’s Day is just around the corner, and we had lots of planning to do there.

Jade’s flight was at like 12.20pm, so Charlie said he would pick me up from the pub at 10.30, and we would be on our way.

I’m like ‘Dude; 10.30 isn’t giving us a lot of time… are you sure you don’t want to pick me up sooner?’

‘Naaahhh… she’ll be right.’ He said confidently.

‘Mmmm… I don’t know… but it’s your call champ. 

Not my fucken funeral if she misses the flight.’  Last. Famous. Words.

Twenty minutes late, he was.  Twenty minutes.  How fucken hard is it to get seven kilometres down the road on time. 

Twenty minutes.

As I climbed into the car, and we headed on our way, I said ‘we’re not going to make the flight.’

‘She’ll be right.  You’re stressing over nothing.  It’s all under control.’ He said calmly.

Nope, I thought to myself.  We’re going to miss the mutha fucken flight.

‘Go the back way through Lancefield.  It’s quicker…’ I suggest.

‘No love.  I went down to the airport via the Hume and the Craigieburn Bypass the other day, and it was a great run.  We’ll be fine.  Stop stressing.’

‘It’s your fucken funeral, champ.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.’ I reply, looking at the time on his dashboard.  10.56 am.  We’re fucked.

‘I’ll just drop you and Jade off out the front of the terminal, and go and park the car.  You two can check in and wait for me.’

’45 minutes, Char.  We have to be there to check in 45 minutes before the flight.’

‘It’s under control.’ He said, condescendingly patting my leg.

I wanted to punch him in the nuts, but the thought of telling him ‘I fucken told you so’, was keeping my fist at bay.

At 11.30am, we enter the Tullamarine Airport complex, only to discover that the entrance to Tiger has been blocked off, as they’re building a new fucken terminal there (about time, because the Tiger terminal looks like a fucken refitted shipping container.  It’s fucken awful).

So we divert around to the front of the airport, near the main terminals, only to find that the secondary entrance to Tiger is also blocked off.

We can’t get to the terminal by car. 

Charlie can’t drop us off.

Fucken brilliant.

So he pulls up in the bus terminals, drops us off, and leaves us to walk half a fucken kilometre, with Jade’s ridiculously oversized and overloaded baggage, through construction works and other fucken people, to the terminal.

11.45am when we walk through the terminal doors.

There are signs everywhere saying check in is 45 minutes prior to departure.

Jade looks at me in panic.  ‘Lee, we’re too late…’

‘Get the attention of that Tiger chick, and tell her we’ve just arrived…’ I say is I jump in the queue. 

Jade hurries off to explain our situation to the customer service officer (if you would fucken call her that), who very rudely says ‘have you checked in yet?’

‘Ahhh… no…. we just got here and my flight-‘ Jade begins.

‘You need to check in.  Get back in the queue.’

Jade just turns to look at me.  ‘Do what she fucken says, darl.  Get back in the queue.’ I say, thinking there’s another arse I’ll rip when I get to the check in counter.

As we stand in the queue, Jade and I panic as we see the flight board change from ‘boarding’ to ‘flight closed’. 

I grab the nearest Tiger fucken customer fucken service chick and say ‘we’ve been standing in this queue for ten fucken minutes, haven’t moved, and now the flight’s closed.  You better not tell me that I’ve missed my fucken flight.’

‘You’ve missed your flight.’

‘Fucken great.  We could have been on there if that other chick hadn’t told us to get back in the queue!’

‘If you arrived within 45 minutes of check in, you would have missed the flight anyway.’

‘We arrived within 30 minutes of check in, and I know that you have a 15 minute buffer.  If that other chick had listened to my daughter when she tried to explain our situation, she could be on that flight now, instead of you having to listen to my angry shit.’

‘Well, you’ve missed your flight now, and you’ll just have to sort it when you go up to the counter, won’t you?’

‘Nice attitude you have love.’

‘I’m not the one that couldn’t get to my flight on time…’

‘And I’m not the one that wouldn’t help me get on it when I got here.’ I said through gritted teeth.  ‘But that’s okay.  You’ll get more money out of us now, won’t you?  That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?’

She just turned and walked away.  Fucker.

‘You better text your mother and tell her that we’ve missed the flight.’

‘This will go down real well…’ Jade said, pulling out her phone.

‘And she has every right to be angry.  I would be.  Your father had one fucken job today; one fucken job!  Fucken fail.’

Right at that moment, Charlie strolled into the terminal.  I waved him over to us, and simply said ‘we’ve missed the flight.’

‘Fucken what?’

‘You heard me.  We missed the mother fucken flight.  I told you we wouldn’t make it.  I fucken told you so.’  There!  That felt better.  Fucker! One job!!

‘Shit…’

‘One fucken job, Charlie.  One fucken job.’

We were called up to the counter by some poor bastard that was about to get some kind of grumpy crap from me.  ‘I understand that we’ve missed out flight.’ I said, slapping the itinerary down on the counter.

‘Were you on the Brisbane flight?’

‘Yep.’

‘You’re right.  You’ve missed the flight.’ He said smugly.  Just what I fucken need.

‘Wouldn’t have missed it if that chick’ I pointed to the first Tiger chick we encountered ‘had’ve listened to my daughter when we got here, and hadn’t told us to get back in the queue.’

‘What time was that?’

’11.45.’ I replied.

‘You were inside the 45 minute check in time.’

‘I know you have a fifteen minute buffer.’

‘Really? Who told you that?’

It’s at this point I pause.  I felt sorry for this fucker.  He would cop shit like this from arseholes like me (and my fucken husband) who can’t get their shit together enough to get to the airport on time, and then blame the airline for their own fucken stupidity.

‘Tiger Airlines.  We’ve been told before by customer service officers that there is a fifteen minute window if we’re running late.’  This was the truth.  We had been told this before.

‘Well, that’s just not accurate.  We close the flight 45 minutes before departure.’

‘But the board was flashing boarding when we came in…’

‘When it’s flashing boarding, it means the flight has closed.  We’ll have to get you on another flight, but all of our flights are booked out today.’

‘What!?” declared Charlie.

‘When’s the next available?’ I ask.

‘9.20am, tomorrow.’

I turned to him then.  ‘You sort this mess out.  I can’t be fucked dealing with it.’

‘I can’t get her to the airport tomorrow.  I’ve got to work on site.’

‘I can take her.  I’ve got to be in Werribee by lunchtime, so I can take her on the way.  Fucken lucky for you.’ I said, and turned and walked away before I punched some poor fucker in the nuts.

About ten minutes later, Charlie and Jade came out of the terminal to where I was sitting in the pathetic excuse for a café.

‘As long as my arse points to the ground, we’re never travelling Tiger again.’ Declared Charlie.

‘You said that last time.’ Both Jade and I chorused.

‘Home we go.’ Charlie sighed, heading back toward wherever the fuck he’d parked the car. 

‘What a waste of a fucken day.’ I muttered to Jade as we walked behind him.

‘It’s an omen! Maybe I’m not meant to go home?’ she said hopefully.

‘It is an omen, my love.  Your father’s not booking flights and getting his arse more organised next time.’

Jade laughed.  ‘Hope we don’t miss the flight tomorrow…’

‘We’re leaving at fucken 6am, babe.  No way we’re missing that flight.’ 

Not on my fucken watch.

Peace out.

NEVER LEAVE ANYTHING UP TO A MAN (PART 1)

The title says it all, really.

Do I have to explain it any further? Really?

*sigh

Ok.

So, Jade was coming to visit during the Easter school holidays.

Charlie decided that he’d book the airline tickets himself; something he’s never done before.  Not that it’s challenging or difficult, really.  Nor is Charlie stupid, by any means (even though he’s a boy).

Booking a ticket online can be daunting if it’s something you don’t do on a regular basis.  There are so many fucken options! Do you want insurance? Do you want a seat in this part of the plane (extra money)? That part of the plane (less money but no leg room)? Do you want baggage? Do you want extra baggage? Do you want food? Do you want to be able to use the fucken toilet?!  TOO MANY CHOICES!

As such, because there are so many choices, that you can actually miss some important shit if you’re not all over it.

Thus enters the wonderful Charlie-Albert.  All well-intentioned, but looking for the best bargain he can get as well.

So, I stroll into the house one day after a shift at work, and Char announces that he’s booked Jade’s flights. 

I nearly shit myself right then and there.

‘Got them off a cheap website!’ he says excitedly, and my heart just sinks.  Here we fucken go…. ‘You put the information in, and the website finds you the cheapest flights! So they’re all booked! Two different airlines, but we’ve done that before! YAY!’

‘Well done babe.  Well done.’ I say encouragingly, whilst thinking in the back of my mind, that I must remember to get some Vaseline at the supermarket, cos I’m sure I’m gonna to get fucked up the arse over this one.

Midnight, on the eve of travel.  I’d just finished packing my car for the market, and was doing my last double check, when I could hear Charlie swearing and carrying on over his fucken computer.

‘What the fuck is going on love?’ I ask.

‘I can’t find Jade’s flight details!’

‘Why not?’

‘I don’t fucken know! They won’t print and I can’t find some of them!’ poor darling, who is technology challenged, is somewhat stressed.

‘How come you haven’t printed them before now?’

‘I fucken did! But I can’t find them…’

‘That’s because your desk resembles a backyard abortion.’

‘I don’t need a fucken lecture from you!’

‘I’m not lecturing,’ I say calmly.  ‘I’m stating the fucken obvious.  Get out of the way, and let me have a look…’

Five minutes later, I’ve the itineraries printed out for him, and even dare to ask him why the fuck hadn’t stuck them on the fridge (cos that’s what I would have done – stupid me).

‘Not everyone is a control freak like you!’ he cries.

‘I’m not a control freak, love.  I just like to be organised so I’m not fucking around with flight details at midnight on the eve of fucken travel.  You arse hat.’

So, the day of travel comes, and Charlie gets a phone call from Jade.  She’s at the airport, and her mum is having a conniption fit, because the ticket he purchased doesn’t include baggage.

Gee; what a surprise. 

So after chatting with the chick from Virgin Airlines, who very politely pointed out that no baggage was selected, Charlie has to fork over an extra $70 to get Jade’s ridiculously heavy suit case, which is no doubt full of crap, on the plane.

Fucken winner.

‘It’s still cheaper than paying full fare!’ he declared when he called to tell me what happened.  ‘So it’s all good.’

‘You’re a fucktard.’ Was my only comment. 

Now, I’ve said before that Charlie is not a stupid man.  He’s a dumbarse, which most boys are, but not stupid.  There is a difference. I actually believe he is quite intelligent.  However, doing shit online is new to him, and even I, who would class myself as computer savvy, and experienced with online shit, finds myself double checking shit when booking flights.  Charlie would have been very easily confused.

No harm done.  Everything was fixed up, and Jade was on her way.

However, this little hiccup was nothing compared to the shit we were to face for her return flight home.

Peace out xo