SEE YA LATER, MUTHA F**KA!!

What a contradictory species humans are.

A little while ago, I was shopping at Airport West, and whilst pushing my trolley around Coles, I can hear the rain and thunder outside.  Great. 

Yes: rain and thunder.  What a surprise…

Anyway, I push the heavy trolley up the ramp to the carpark, and yep: bucketing down. 

Haven’t seen decent rain at Tooborac for like three fucken months and here it is, pouring down in the burbs.  WTF?  Send some our way! I have an acre of garden and fucken paddocks that need watering! C’mon!!

Anyway, I’m standing under the shelter, waiting for the rain to ease a bit, and split my time between checking the Bureau of Meteorology’s website for rain patterns to see how long this shit will last, and stuffing my pie-hole with salt and pepper squid sushi (fucken divine!).

The rain eases somewhat, so I dash across the car park – well, as much as I can cos I’m limping (cos my knee is still fucked), whilst trying desperately to control my footsteps so I don’t fucken slip over;  I fling the hatch open, and unload in about two seconds.

I close the hatch, turn to take the trolley back, and hear ‘I’ll take it for you love.’

I look up, and a gentleman in his sixties perhaps, is coming toward me with his trolley.  ‘Are you sure?’ I ask.

‘Absolutely.’ He smiled as we pushed the trolleys together to make it easier.  ‘No point us both getting any wetter.  Jump in your car and go home, love.’ He smiled kindly, and headed toward the trolley bay.

‘Thank you so much, sir!’ I called after him, and smiled as I climbed into the car.

How sweet was that?

I send out positive blessing to the universe, to shower down happiness on this nice man, whilst I’m heading out of the car park, and toward the Ring Road.

So, my plan was to head in the opposite direction of the traffic, go around one round-a-bout, along a bridge over the Ring Road, around another round-a-bout, and then down onto the Ring Road.  Basically, I’m doing a big ‘u’, and that misses a lot of the traffic congestion on Mickleham Road (which is a head fuck at that time of night).

So I stop at the first round-a-bout, and some cockhead in a hotted up skyline that’s so old it’s an embarrassment, pulls up behind me.  Well, sort of.  He comes up behind me, tooting his horn and waving his fucken arms around, whilst fishtailing and spinning the wheels of his car.

How the fuck he manages to do this without hitting me or anyone else, is beyond me.

I’m looking at him in the rear-view, and wondering what the fuck he’s doing, and why the fuck he doesn’t go around me, because it’s two fucken lanes around the round-a-bout.

Dumbarse.

So I move off, because the traffic to the right of me has cleared, and make my way slowly around the round-a-bout, and head toward the bridge.

Fucken numbnut behind me comes around the round-a-bout like he’s in XXX: Tokyo Drift!  I can see him in my side mirror now, his piece-of-shit-car fishtailing all over the fucken road, and all I can think, is ‘I need to get out of this dickheads way, before he cleans me up.’

So I touch on the breaks, which forces Fangio to go flying past me, all the while screaming abuse out the window at me.

I will point out right now, that I have absolutely no fucken idea what he was going on about.  There was no one behind me or near me at the first round-a-bout.  I wasn’t holding any one up and I didn’t cut anyone off.  I’ve no fucken idea what he was screaming at.

All I can guess is I stopped him from impersonating Paul Walker (XXX).  Fuckwit.

Anyway, Fangio in his piece-of-shit-car goes flying past me, and heading toward the round-a-bout ahead of us at break-neck speed, skidding and fishtailing all over the road like a dick, and I can’t help but think ‘you’re gonna lose it mate.  You’re gonna fucken lose it.’

Sure enough, Fangio loses control of his piece-of-shit-car.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you actually gasp and slap your hand over your mouth in fright?

Well, I had one of those moments.

Keep in mind that it’s raining, although lightly; the roads are really wet from the downpour we had not fifteen minutes ago.  It’s been as dry as a nuns clacka for months, so the roads are a little muddy and slick.

Fucken Fangio did a complete 360 in the middle of the road.  If I’d been beside him, he would have completely cleaned me up. 

How there wasn’t someone in the round-a-bout, was a sheer miracle, because he did a complete arc across my lane and through the two lanes of the round about, flinging his car backward up the embankment, and coming to a halt facing the direction he was heading AND, only about a foot away from a sign post.

Fucken arsehat.

Naturally, being the compassionate human being I am, as I drove past, I caught his eye (he was okay), and gave him a resounding round of applause.

‘Well done champ! You’re a fucken winner!’ I cried as I slowed down to pass him.

If looks could kill... he’s giving me the death stare as I drive past pointing going ‘Ha! Ha! HA!’

I drive carefully around the round-a-bout, and head for the onramp to the Ring Road.  As I’m going around, I catch him in my mirrors as he climbs out of the car and attempts to push it off the embankment. 

It takes me seconds to realise that, because of all the rain, the embankment may be soft, and his car has sunk into the turf.

Ha! Ha! HA!

Now, I’ve already demonstrated my compassion to you, so you should know, that as I headed toward the on ramp, I wound my window down (I didn’t mind a little rain at that point), tooted my horn to get his attention.

As he looked up, I gave him a friendly wave, and yelled ‘See ya later, mutha fucka!!!’

And, as I drove along the onramp and merged with the Ring Road peak hour traffic, I laughed.

I laughed and laughed.

In fact, I laughed so hard, I had pee leakage.

And I laughed all. The. Way. Home.

You see, it’s not often you get to witness instant karma, but to have the opportunity to rub in, is a gift from above.

Peace out mutha fuckas!!!