GETTING MY COOK ON

So, I’m starting to get into my course a little now. 

It took a few days for me to find my comfort zone, and understand my place in the world, but I’m starting to get to know my peeps a little better, as you would expect as time rolls by.

As I’ve blogged before, they’re all quite a mixed collection of people.  The Gen Yers are all right.  Apparently, they failed last year (because they didn’t get all of their homework completed), so they’re back for a second round. 

Though, you would expect that they’d know their shit, but some of them seem a little unsure.  Maybe they’re just shy.

That won’t last long with me around. J

One of them I have clicked really well with.  I think that’s because she reminds me so very much of my cousin Kate.  Same build, same hair, same face and similar mannerisms. 

So I have a spot for Candy (that’s the name I’m giving her on here).  Candy’s a nice kid trying to make her way in the world.

For our first in class lesson, I roll up to school, and she’s sitting outside on the bench having a smoke.  So, I wander over and say g’day.  She shows me her flashy set of Global knives, which I know will be worth about a grand in total. 

Now, I don’t give a fuck really, but she was so exited when she showed me, that I could only be encouraging and happy for her.  Good on her!  She loves her knives.

‘Don’t let any mother fucker in the class use them, but you.’ I warned. ‘They won’t respect those knives like you will.’

‘I’d let you use them, Lee, cos I know you like cooking and you would look after them.’

‘That I would darling, but just don’t let any fucker, including me, use them baby.  They’re all yours.’

‘Okay’. She smiled proudly, wrapping them all up again.  Good on ya, love.

So we wander into the change rooms, and change into our fucken Michelin Man outfits.  I feel like a dick, but Candy’s wearing her Michy outfit, so I’m not feeling so bad.

We wander into the kitchen, dump our shit and find a place on a bench, ready to get our learnin’ on.

The rest of the class staggers in, half of them without their fucken uniforms.  Four months we’ve known about this course starting; where the fuck are your uniforms people?  Jebus? 

One of the ladies, we’ll call her M, is already driving me nuts.  She hasn’t a very good grasp of English (neither have I, but I think I can communicate ok), and she’s latched on to me like a fucken leech.

Smart lady has worked out who the switched-on students are, and she follows them around like a fucken puppy. 

I don’t know whether she’s cunning, and is riding on my coat-tails, or if she’s just genuinely desperate.

Either way, it took half a day in our first split class to learn that I need to keep away from this leech, or she’ll suck the fucken life out of me.

Unfortunately for me, she nabbed me straight away.

‘Are these shoes okay?’ she points to a gorgeous pair of Mary-Jane’s that she’s wearing.

‘No champ.  They are not.’

‘Why?’

‘You have to wear boots.’ I lift my trousers (fucken gay check clown pants), and show her my Blunstones.   ‘Those shoes are not safety boots.’ I point at hers.  ‘If you drop a knife or hot liquid on them, it will go straight through to your foot.  You must wear boots to protect your feet.’  Fuck me! Haven’t you done ANY of the homework?  Have you not listened to anything said during the fucken first day of school?  It was all OH&S shit; specifically what we have to wear!

Fuck me, it’s gonna be a long day. *face palm

So the trainer, Big Jase, is showing us how to julienne a carrot.  Simple enough.  Done it a few times; knife skills are okay.  Sweet.

Another chick and I, we’ll call her J, set up and share a chopping board, and start chatting whilst chopping.  Fucken M barges into the middle of us, asks what we are doing, and sticks her fucken face in the way.

I’m like ‘Dude.  Back the fuck up.  Go and get a bit of carrot, a knife and a fucken chopping board, and give it a red hot go somewhere else mate.  There’s plenty of room.’

She laughs it off.  ‘Oh, I don’t understand.’

‘Then go and ask Big Jase.  He’s the teacher. He will help you.’  Fuck this shit, ya rude moll.

‘Can I watch you.’  Fuck me.  So I chop away, and stand back for J to have a turn, and fucken M takes her bit of carrot, and just start making a fucken hash of things.

I give J and eye roll over the top of M’s head, and she’s like ‘dude, I know.’

What the fuck?  I’m going to end up ripping M a new one if she keeps this shit up.

By the end of the day, both J and I have moved places in the kitchen to simply get away from M, and still she’s haunting me like a fucken poltergeist!

‘Is this enough water, Lee?’

‘Go and ask Big Jase love, he’s the trainer.’  Fucked if I’m carrying her all year. 

‘What do I put now?  Do I put sugar?  What else do I put?’

‘Go ask Big Jase, M.  I’m not the teacher.  You must ask him, cos I don’t want to tell you the wrong thing.’  I’m not the fucken teacher; I’m here to learn too!  If I carry her along, Big Jase and Big Jode (the other trainer) aren’t going to see that she’s struggling. 

It’s like a parent doing the homework for their kids.  The kids are getting any smarter, and the teacher doesn’t realise that the kids actually a dumbarse.  They get through on a false representation of themselves, and when it comes to the crunch, they fail and the teacher never sees it coming.

I’m not M’s parent, and I’m not doing the work for her.  She needs to sort this shit out for herself, and if she’s not up to it, fucken move on.

Harsh, but fair.

No one’s cutting me any slack for anything; I have to pull my own weight, she can too.

I know that it’s all about teamwork, and it’s all about getting along in a close environment and working with a different mix of people when you get out into the workforce.  I’ve been working in it for 25 years, and putting up with all variety of dickhead.  I get it.

However, in a commercial kitchen, I would not be expected to assist someone that knows jack shit, whilst trying to learn myself.  Different situation.

I can’t handle all the shit I have to do, whilst learning and pumping Big Jase and Jode for everything they’ve got, with M clinging to me, too.

*big sigh again

So, although I am happy to assist anyone, I can’t do everything for her, and she needs CONSTANT supervision.  Fuck me!  She nearly lost her fucken fingers half a dozen times, and that’s whilst J and I were trying to teach her how to chop shit! 

I’ll have to nip this in the bud.  Soon.

Aside from that, I’m getting along really well with everyone else in the class.  I should say, I am getting along very well with M, she just shits me.

Now there’s J, who’s 26 and a mother of three; the oldest being 10.  You do the math.  She wants to punch the 10 year old him the head, cos he’s a smart arse little fucker.  I said ‘I hear ya.  He’ll be like that until late teens.  Fuckers.’  J and I get along like a house on fire.  She’s a nice chick.

Then there’s young D, who’s 16 and never really cooked much before, but has a shit load more of an idea that M.  She’s the 16 year old that latched on to me because I’m like her late mum; also called Lee (must have been an awesome chic). J

There’s another chick called L, who clearly can’t be fucked, and has some serious issues, because I don’t think she wants to be there.  However, in saying that, at least she’s there (for the second time), and trying.  She and I get along well.

She near broke a rib when we were talking about cocktail frankfurts, and Candy and I call them ‘little boys.’  I explained that when you over cook little boys, they split, and become ‘little girls’.  They lost their shit at that one.

I realised then that I have a whole new audience, and a new generation, to dump my stupid jokes on.  Yeah. 

So, after about two weeks now, we’re all getting along really well, even M and I.  I must say, she’s a nice chick, but I think she’s seriously gunna to struggle.

I can’t wait to get to know these peeps better, and work with them more.  Everyone has their stories, and I can’t wait to learn more about them.  They’ll be my school buddies, and a very important part of this adventure for me.

I just hope I don’t throttle them in the mean time! LOL!

Wish me luck!

Peace out.