GOODBYE

A friend of mine recently said ‘You’d be excited about Jade going, wouldn’t you?  Bit of freedom for you and Charlie?’

I instantly burst into tears.

I don’t know where it came from; they just instantly overflowed, surprising both of us.

Sure; a while ago, I would have said that it was an opportunity for Charlie and I to have a break and re-connect.  That’s true.  We’ve had an incredibly difficult and challenging eleven years, as I’ve blogged before.

However, as D-day (Departure Day) came closer, my heart grew heavier and heavier.

And so did Jade’s.

As we load up the car, and she says her final goodbyes to the house, the garden and the fucken cats, I notice a badge on her t-shirt.

‘I love my Dad.’ 

My heart stopped.  I got it for her a few father’s days ago.  I love my Dad.

As we headed down to the airport, Iris rang to say goodbye, and I lost my shit in the front seat. 

The pressure had been building and building, and as I handed the phone to Jade, and listened to her chatting to Grandma, and telling her she’d miss going there after school and dinner on Thursday nights, I just started crying. 

Charlie handed me his half used hankie (bless) and rubbed my leg as he drove on.

Queuing at the Virgin Australia Bag Drop, I look at Jade’s two massive suitcases, and pray to god they’re under 23kg’s each, cos it’s just gonna be salt in the wound for Charlie to have to pay excess luggage fees.  Fuck that.

Miraculously, Jade’s cases weigh 42.8kgs, and we’re set to roll.

As we had to leave at a sparrow’s fart, we decided we would have breakfast at the airport.  Maccas.  Nothing like breaky in style.

Whilst Char and I waited for the food, Jade slipped away to the toilets.  After fighting our way through the dining area for a seat, I texted Jade to tell her where she’d find us.  I got a telling me that she’d been sick.

No surprise.

Poor poppit was possibly more stressed than she was willing to admit.

I go off in search of her, and somehow, managed to miss her, because yelling ‘Jade!’ in the toilets yielded no results.

I returned to the dining room, and found here there, looking pale and bleary eyed, sitting opposite her father.

‘You okay, poppit?’

‘I was just really hungry, and was sick.’

‘More like you were nervous darlin, and were sick.’ I smiled softly, rubbing her back.  ‘It’s not from hunger darl.’

She nodded.  She knew, and proceeded to smash three hash browns and a coffee frappe. *rolls eyes*

As we sat at in the gate lounge, Jade cuddled up to her Dad, and I quietly read; giving them some final time together.

A fucken annoying dude a few seats up, with a loud nasal voice, started singing the jingle for Victory Blinds (why the fuck, I don’t know), and Jade and I burst out laughing.  Fucken dork.

Then they finally called her row. 

This is it.  This is goodbye.

We all stood up, and Jade hugged her Daddy goodbye.  I lost my shit again, and so did she.  Charlie, as ever, was a rock.

Jade turned to me and fell into my arms, and cried and hugged me for the longest time.  She didn’t want to let go, and neither did I.

She joined the long queue, and I moved Charlie to a place when, if she stopped at the entrance to the tarmac, we would be the last thing she saw before she went around the corner.

As she approached the final check in, I noticed her crying, and I cried even harder. 

Charlie just held me to his side.

As she walked through the check in and toward the door, she paused and turned to us, tears streaming down her face.

I could barely see her through mine.  I blinked a few times, enough so I could see her blow me a kiss, and step through the doorway.

And she was gone.

Charlie dragged me along the terminal a little bit, and pointed out to the tarmac.  We could see her walking along, and then up the steps and into the plane.  She glanced quickly over her shoulder at the doorway before disappearing into the plane.

She was gone.

Twenty minutes later, she would have been in the air, and on her way to start a new life, a life without us.

I couldn’t stop the tears.

As we were leaving the terminal, I actually had to stop and sit down, as it was just becoming all too much.

I calmed myself down, and as we hit the escalators that took us to the concourse, Charlie’s brother, sister-in-law and nephew were coming down. 

They were on their way to the Gold Coast for a holiday.

‘Check those clowns out!’ Charlie smiled, pointing up the escalators, and I saw their faces. 

I tried.  I tried so hard, but I just looked at my sister-in-law and burst into tears again.  I couldn’t even think.

I hope she understood.

She’s gone.  I know she’ll be back to visit, but it’s not the same.  She’s gone.

And I feel empty.

I feel like I’ve failed somehow… but I don’t know how…

Goodbye Jadie. 

Good luck.

I love you.